“"I stand firm on the belief that if your child is crying at night for her birth family, you are doing something wrong."”
“I cringe a little bit when I read about preschoolers crying at night for a birth mother they only met briefly and couldn't possibly remember ……... It's just not talked about much because, well, there's nothing to talk about (because our kids aren't mourning).”
Because our kids aren’t mourning.
That line really struck a cord with me. I haven’t mentioned this yet, but M and S have not yet told the boys they are adopted. While they know their birth parents and know what adoption is and they talk about it, they do not yet know they are adopted (this is something I COMPLETELY disagree with, but I’ll save that for another post).
Robbie’s older brother, J, will be 4 very soon. The other year, his birth parents gave him a little ride on motorcycle for his birthday. He LOVES it. Well, M was talking to me a few months ago about how they saw a guy on a motorcycle while they were out running errands. So of course when they got home he wanted to ride his. As he was doing so, he began to cry. M asked him what was wrong and somehow ended up asking if he missed P and K (his birthparents).
"Yessssssss!" He wailed.
He was crying because he missed them. He misses them and feels a loss for them, even though he DOESN’T know he is adopted, and DOESN’T know he came from K’s tummy and DOESN’T know that P and K are his biological parents. All he knows is that they are two people who come around every now and then to visit and they love him very much.
This kid hasn’t had any “propaganda” about birth parents and loss “planted” into his head. And he STILL feels that LOSS. He is STILL MOURNING this loss.
Think about that folks.
Disclaimer: Yes, I know the original post was about international adoption more so than domestic. But I believe this just goes to show that there is a real loss that adoptees suffer. The loss isn’t a “created” loss that has to be planted into their heads. The loss is already there, and it’s real.