Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The loss is real

So I’m almost a month late to the discussion, but lately everyone has been talking about what and when to tell adoptees. There have been several good posts, like this, this and this. It was all apparently started by this post. I read this post, and then I read some of the comments. A few of the commenter’s said things like this

“"I stand firm on the belief that if your child is crying at night for her birth family, you are doing something wrong."”

“I cringe a little bit when I read about preschoolers crying at night for a birth mother they only met briefly and couldn't possibly remember ……... It's just not talked about much because, well, there's nothing to talk about (because our kids aren't mourning).”

Because our kids aren’t mourning.

That line really struck a cord with me. I haven’t mentioned this yet, but M and S have not yet told the boys they are adopted. While they know their birth parents and know what adoption is and they talk about it, they do not yet know they are adopted (this is something I COMPLETELY disagree with, but I’ll save that for another post).

Robbie’s older brother, J, will be 4 very soon. The other year, his birth parents gave him a little ride on motorcycle for his birthday. He LOVES it. Well, M was talking to me a few months ago about how they saw a guy on a motorcycle while they were out running errands. So of course when they got home he wanted to ride his. As he was doing so, he began to cry. M asked him what was wrong and somehow ended up asking if he missed P and K (his birthparents).

"Yessssssss!" He wailed.

He was crying because he missed them. He misses them and feels a loss for them, even though he DOESN’T know he is adopted, and DOESN’T know he came from K’s tummy and DOESN’T know that P and K are his biological parents. All he knows is that they are two people who come around every now and then to visit and they love him very much.

This kid hasn’t had any “propaganda” about birth parents and loss “planted” into his head. And he STILL feels that LOSS. He is STILL MOURNING this loss.

Think about that folks.

Disclaimer: Yes, I know the original post was about international adoption more so than domestic. But I believe this just goes to show that there is a real loss that adoptees suffer. The loss isn’t a “created” loss that has to be planted into their heads. The loss is already there, and it’s real.


Rebekah said...

I agree. The loss IS real. The best thing I can do as an adoptive mom is to recognize it, love Ty through it, and support whatever desires he has for staying connected to his birth family. Because he doesn't understand the fullness of his story yet, I do what I think he would want me to. And, right now, that means loving Rebekah and her family the same way I love my own.

Not telling your kids they are adopted is completely unhealthy. Adoption should always be a live topic and an ongoing conversation.

Ashleighastn said...

I completely agree! It is unhealthy. Kids should grow up always knowing about their adoption story. Even if they can't understand all of it, you can explain it in age appropriate ways.

I saw a quote the other day that I plan to use when I post more in depth about this. It says, "A child should never feel like they are hearing about their life for the first time."

I could make this comment really long and go into the lying and the deceit and betrayal that withholding their story can cause, but I will save that for the post I hope to have up by the end of the week.

Thank you for being honest with your son, loving his birth family, and being a wonderful example of God's love :) BTW, thanks to you, I'll be signing up with Be The Match soon


Related Posts with Thumbnails