Sunday, June 20, 2010


Abortion is a pretty controversial topic. I don't want to get anyone riled up, and I don't need anyone throwing bible verses at me. Trust me, I know the bible. I believe the bible. I just want to express how placing my son for adoption has changed my views on abortion. After all, this is MY blog. The whole point of this thing is to write down my story, and this is part of it.

Before placing Robbie, I was pro-life. I wasn't totally pro-life though, meaning that I felt termination was acceptable in certain situations. Such as;
-Saving the mothers life

Now that I have placed Robbie for adoption, things have changed. I'm not going to say I'm completely pro-choice, but I'm not completely pro-life. I'm not going to march in pro-choice rallies or convince people it's better to kill their unborn babies. Nor am I going to march in pro-life rallies and condemn the women who choose abortion ("Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the same measure you use, it will be measured back to you" Matthew chapter 7, verse 1-2. Now THERE'S a bible verse for ya).

All I'm saying is that if some one were to choose abortion over adoption, I would completely understand. I would not judge them. I would not try to sway them one way or the other. I would share my experience with them, and share with them facts about adoption and abortion (this is assuming parenting is not an option). If they were to end up choosing abortion, then that is their decision. I would support them no matter what they decided.

Having talked with several birth moms who have both placed and terminated, I can say that I honestly believe abortion is the easier decision. In no way am I saying it is the "right" decision (though it may be for them), but is by far the less painful option. Now, I know that having an abortion has it's risks, one of them being life long depression and guilt. I used to volunteer at a pregnancy resource center, and we had countless women who were struggling with depression and guilt for abortions they'd had in the past. Some of them were struggling with it still thirty years later. However, this is not the case for every person who has an abortion.

After speaking with several birth moms who have chosen both adoption and abortion, every single one has agreed wholeheartedly that abortion was/is easier than placing a child for adoption. This isn't to say they wish they had aborted their placed children instead of carrying to term and relinquishing them, of course not. They all love their birth children very much, and are happy they chose life for them. They just know they wouldn't have as much pain if they had chosen abortion.

Abortion is something you can gain closure from. It's something you can move on from, and leave in your past. Adoption is completely different. While you can gain a certain amount of closure with adoption, it is never something you can completely heal from. There are so many things that rip open that wound; birthdays, holidays, hearing your child call some one else "mommy", etc. You can't move on from adoption. You can move forward, but you cant move past it. Adoption will always affect your life in multiple ways. It's not something you can "forget" about, contrary to popular belief.

Pro-lifers get so caught up in fighting against abortion, that they don't really help to provide a better alternative. Sure, they say, "You can parent, or choose adoption!" but that's all. They don't try to make it easier for single parents. In fact, a lot of times they make it harder. A lot of pro-lifers are against people being on welfare. Well, how the heck do you expect a young, single mother with little education, to parent a child successfully with no money or government assistance? Sure, they say "Get a job!" but most mothers DO get a job. In fact, they get MULTIPLE jobs. Sometimes though, it's still not enough.

As for adoption, they think it's a wonderful decision. They praise the mother to be for choosing adoption. "Oh, what a selfless decision! This really is what's best for the baby!" but as soon as the papers are signed and the baby is taken from her, they forget all about her and focus completely on the adoptive parents. "How selfless of you to adopt this child! Think of what a horrible life this child would have had if you hadn't of swooped in and saved them!" Cause you know, adoptive parents are just the saviors of the freaking world, and birth mothers are drug addicted whores who don't care about their children and should have never opened their legs in the first place.

And then they wonder why women don't want to choose adoption. Perhaps if they fought as hard for adoption reform as they do against abortion, more women would choose adoption over abortion. Perhaps if they fought for better support for single parents like they have in Australia, more women would choose single parenting over abortion.

Maybe people should stop throwing stones and casting judgment, and start working on making the alternatives better.


Anonymous said...

About a year after giving my son up for adoption, I found myself pregnant again. I was SO traumatized, I could barely breathe. I had an abortion, and to this day I do not regret it, several decades later. I was TERRIFIED to be pregnant, terrified to lose another child. I now see the twisted thinking in that, but did not know at the time the trauma my mind & body had been thru losing my firstborn son.

Not Just A Birth Mom said...

Anon- Thank you so much for sharing. It's not twisted when you really think about it. You can terminate before a true bond is formed with the child, therefore making it much easier than adoption could ever be. Adoption is traumatic, for birth parents and adoptees. It really f***s you up, for a long time. You made the decision that was best for you, and don't let anyone tell you differently.

Meg and Ken said...

I totally get what you are saying. Being and adoptive mom who cannot get pregnant and is pro-choice, sometimes people don't get it. But I believe every woman should be able to make her own decision on this matter. I can see why woman would make either decision. I am very thankful that their are woman like our son's birthmom and yourself that choose adoption and made me a mommy, but I agree that sometimes that may not be right for some woman. I also HATE when people say that we saved our son or that we are giving him such a better life. That is sooooo not true!! He saved us, and so did his birthmom for her choice. He is loved so much by his birthfamily. His life is better because he still has them in it, not because he was adopted.
Keep on writing girl, I love reading!

LeMira said...

Wow! I love this. . .thank you for writing about writing such a controversial topic. I think you were very non-judgmental, by the way, and your post is very encouraging for the rest of us to be non-judgmental. I admit that I'm pro-life, but I hope that I can never judge another woman for her choice - ever. It's not mine.

My favorite part of your entire post was the end about making the alternatives better - really got me thinking.

Anonymous said...

I love your blog too. You deal with topics and attitudes few are brave enough to. Most adoptions blogs I read are about international adoption stories with American families saving children and taking them "home", because they assume the USA is of course, everyone´s ideal home.
I aborted five years ago and will always regret it, will always wonder who my child would have been, what she/he would have looked like. I still can´t believe I aborted and didn´t find a way to parent my child. It´s a pain that I live with in silence in every single moment of my life now.
Not long after the abortion, I got married and tried to get pregnant. We´ve gone through years of IUIs and IVF - nothing worked.
Life can be very twisted indeed.

Poor_Statue said...

I've always been pro-choice, but placing my daughter for adoption made me even more so. I am also someone who has both placed (when I was 25) and terminated (when I was 17), and agree that terminating was much easier, but that I also don't wish I would have aborted my birthdaughter.

Anonymous said...

I had an abortion at 14, I lost a child to a false open adoption at 19. The abortion seldom crosses my mind, but the adoption has made my life a living hell full of inescapable grief. My child is being raised to resent me and see me as a threat. I have wished many times that I would have aborted. These people are living their lives completely indifferent to the agony they have caused. Abortion would have paled in comparison to this.


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