Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Alone, with a lot of hate.

I hate how I always feel like I'm asking for too much from my sons adoptive parents.

I hate how I can't support R through his breakdown like he supported me through mine.

I hate how emotionally numb I am.

I hate how much I've pulled away from friends in the last year. So much so, that when I finally do want to hang out, no one is around because they've all moved on in their lives with new friends and the people who are still around do not live in a close proximity to my home.

I hate the lack of post placement support from my agency. I feel like I've been hung out to dry. Oh, we sold your baby! We don't need you anymore!

I hate how my mom doesn't understand, won't ever understand, and doesn't have any desire to understand. "why are you so upset?" why do you freaking think, mom? Cause it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm grieving my son, my baby boy.

I hate ignorant, self centered teenagers who get to raise their babies. You are yelling at your toddler that he is an idiot, in front of strangers. What the hell kind of parent are you? Oh right, a lousy one. I also hate the little girls who have babies only to have the girls mother or aunt or cousin raise them. They carry the kid around like lap dogs in a purse until the kid starts crying, and they promptly hand it over to their mother/aunt/cousin.

I hate how people assume I wouldn't make a good mother because I placed my son for adoption. I know for a fact I would have made a great mother.

I hate that I worry I won't ever have another child. I've already had one miscarriage, what if I only got lucky with Robbie? And I gave him away?

I hate dreaming that I'm holding my son close to my chest and telling him I love him, and having him hold me back, only to wake up in the middle of the night to realize it was only a dream. That my son isn't here, my arms only ache to hold him, and I am alone.


Leah W said...

i can't even pretend to imagine what you are going through but hang in there. that is all you can do. i am sure you didn't make a mistake. some day you will be holding the baby that you were meant to raise. time will help, i know you will always love your first born with all your heart. someday he will know that too and he will want to meet you, get to know you and he will be lucky to have an awesome birth mother to meet/get to know as apposed to what most kids have.
living a good life and being a good person will be a great gift to him!

Susie said...

Oh Ashleigh,

This post breaks my heart, and so much of it I could write about myself. I have been living life as a first mom for 31 years now, except of course mine was a closed adoption. So much of what you write are words straight from my soul.

I'm so sorry that your mom doesn't try to understand what you are going through. Not defending her or anything, but it is impossible for anyone to truly understand, unless they are living without their child like we are. As a mom, I wish I could come through this blog & give you a big old hug & some understanding.

I hope & pray that you can find a way to overcome the emotional numbness. I went into such denial after the loss of my son, only came out of the fog about 17 months ago when we found each other. I didn't realize I had become numb until then ~ I'm still trying to overcome that one.

Have faith that you will one day have another child. I have learned the hard way that most of the energy I wasted worring about something was almost always a waste of time.

The thing that touched me the deepest ~ I HATE it still to this day, when people act like just because I chose adoption that I would not have been a good mother to my son. I also know for a fact I would have been a great one!

I'm glad I stumbled onto your blog, I look forward to reading some more. If you would like, you can send me an email ~ I have a strong shoulder & great listening skills!


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