Thursday, August 19, 2010

Rainbows and Bubbles

Yesterday, I saw a comment on Lindseys fb status, asking for birthmother stories that weren’t necessarily positive. Some one asked if she wanted to read birthmother blogs who were very anti-adoption, to which she said, “I don't need or want to read anti-adoption stuff. I guess I just mean those women who relinquished and now realize they didn't *need* to. Not just a bad experience with an agency or something. Does that make sense? Just something that doesn't end in bubbles and rainbows I guess. LOL

I totally know what she means. Every time I read one of the featured birthmother stories on different blogs like The R House, Birthmothers for Adoption, etc, no matter what the person’s story is, the ending always seems to be so bubbly and happy and perfect. Now, I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but it does get annoying in a way because you already know how the story is going to end lol.

Anyway, it got me thinking about the past 14 (almost 15!) months. There was a time where I HATED adoption and anything related to it. I hated everyone around me, most of all though, I hated myself. I hated that I had chosen adoption, that I hadn’t “tried harder” to parent my son, that I could never go back and undo it. I prayed for something to happen, anything, that would cause the adoption to be invalid and allow me to get him back. I kept thinking, “I didn’t have to choose adoption. I could have chosen parenting; I could have found a way to raise him. I didn’t have to choose a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”

But the reality is that there really wasn’t a way for me to parent, if there was, I would have done it. I really did try everything. There was no choice but adoption. It took me a long time to accept that. It was hard to accept that there was nothing I could have done differently, that I made the only choice I could, and there was no one to blame for it but myself. Once I realized and accepted this, it was a lot easier to start working through my grief over the adoption.

Because of that (and strengthening my relationship with God), I feel at peace with the situation. I can say now that I am happy with the way the situation is turning out. I know I made the best decision I could. I don’t regret placing him for adoption, as I know it was the only possible choice, I just regret the decisions I made that led to me having to place him. I regret that the adoption even had to happen.

I will never portray my situation as “bubbles and rainbows”, because it’s not, but I will say that I am at peace with things. I believe the women who have had their stories featured on The R House and BMFA feel the same way. They don’t have perfect lives and perfect situations; they have just made peace with themselves and God, and have chosen to look at things in a positive way. This doesn’t mean things aren’t hard for them at times, or that they don’t ever struggle with anything. This just means they have chosen to be happy. Happiness, like love, isn’t just a feeling. It’s a choice.

I’ve chosen to be happy, how about you?


Karine said...

would you like to share your story on my blog?

Karine said...

EMAIL ME IF ITS A YES! I LOVE YOUR VIEWPOINT! IT NEEDS TO BE HEARD! I Want to share reality with others :) Plz consider it :)
email is

LeMira said...

Seriously, I love this post, but you know I love all your posts! ;) I love that you share your real feelings about this; that birth mothers have feelings and regrets, too. Adoption isn't the fix or solution. It's a choice, an option, and with it comes emotions and feelings.

Not Just A Birth Mom said...

Thanks for the offer Karine, I am looking forward to it!

LeMira, thank you so much! You are always so supportive :)

Leah W said...

i know what you and her both mean, you want REAL people to tell how they REALLY feel.

kym said...

Okay, so here is the grown up adoptee perspective. I choose to be happy, too. It wasn't until I met my birth mom, at age 34,that I had to deal with grief and sorrow for the decisions made for my life. It took me MONTHS and MONTHS to work through....and then I realized what you say here. She had to make a very difficult choice. She made the right one for both of us. It just hurts sometimes. Once I accepted that Life itself is full of choices and that I had to choose to be okay. I was. I love my mom. I love my birth mom. I thank God for both of them. I choose to be happy.
Thanks for letting me "get inside your head" helps a lot!:)


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