Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Can't Let Go

Ever been surrounded by a ton of people, yet still be completely alone?
That’s how it was for me during my hospital stay with William. Every day we were in the hospital our room was crowded with R’s family members (and his b*tch). I was surrounded by this big group of people that I didn’t want to have anything to do with. I had no privacy, I wasn’t able to get any rest, and I was constantly stressed. Ever try breast feeding/working with a lactation consultant with a big a$$ group of people in the room? Yeah, not fun.
M was able to come visit once, my mom was only able to come visit in the evenings due to her work schedule, her boyfriend (who will be my stepfather eventually) was sick with the flu and therefore couldn’t come visit at all, my brother was busy with his work and family, and my sister didn’t yet know. I had no support system.
I suppose that might be part of the reason I had H and K visit so much. They were the only people who could come on a regular basis who actually supported ME. They didn’t talk shit to me or about me, they didn’t bring unwanted guests, they didn’t over stay their welcome (actually, they didn’t stay as long as I would have liked. They wanted Will and I to have time alone, which I love, but I wasn’t really getting much alone time with him), and they left me with a smile on my face instead of a need for more Tylenol.
I wish I could look back on our time in the hospital with nothing but fond memories, but I can’t. Every time I think about it I get a huge stress headache and I become so incensed with the treatment I received from R and his family that I just want to PUNCH A FREAKING WALL! (Or R, his mother, and his b*tch. Any or all three would suffice, plus I wouldn’t have to fix the dry wall. Hmm…). They completely ruined that time for me; that special time when a mother and child bond and get to know each other. They ruined it, and I don’t think that is something I will ever be able to get over. I don’t think I will ever be able to let it go and forgive them for it. Not anytime soon. 


MamaFoster said...

that sucks. all part of learning boundaries, growing up, and standing up for yourself.

it took me quite a while to learn all the things and I still get walked all over :)

mamamargie said...

Wow! Tough time! But, on the bright side, you have many more happy memories to be made with William in the years ahead. In light of all that, these dark memories will, over time, begin to fade.


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