Wednesday, March 2, 2011


There have been quite a few blog posts lately that involve first moms saying something along the lines of “I know my birth child was meant for them (the AParents)” or “I know I was placed on this earth to bring them their child.” Every time I read something like this I roll my eyes, shake my head, and say “Seriously? What the $@#&.”  
Here’s how I feel about that.
Do I think my children were “meant” to be raised by their perspective adoptive parents? No, I do not. Not one little bit. Why would I? If God meant for my children to belong to their adoptive parents, then their adoptive mothers would have become pregnant with them, carried them for 9 months (it’s really closer to 10), and then given birth to them (Duh!). Obviously, it didn’t happen that way. God meant for ME to have those children, that’s why I became pregnant with them. God did not place me on this earth to bring some one else a child- I’m not a freaking incubator. It was not God’s plan for me to have premarital sex, get knocked up, and then give some one else my child and suffer life long grief from doing so. Just like it is not God’s plan for couples to experience infertility/sterility. Unfortunately, we live in an imperfect, sin-filled world, so these things happen. Sin is never a good thing; however, God can make something good out of it.
For instance, even though it was not God’s doing that Robbie’s adoptive parents were infertile or I engaged in premarital sex, He still made something good out of it. He brought us together, and we have helped each other out. I have given them a child, and they have given my child a life I could not give him on my own.

 Disagree with me? Read the bible. God does NOT instigate sin.
 Here are just a few examples....

Jeremiah 29:11 
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Romans 8:28
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

So there you have it. God does not plan for bad things to happen to us. Instead, when these things happen, He provides a way to make it better. Adoption is not a part of His plan, no matter what your church might tell you to think. It can be used by Him for good, but adoption is NOT how He intends families to be made. To those of you adoptive parents that disagree with this, meaning you believe “your” child was “meant” for you…. All I have to say to you is this; what in the world gives you such a feeling of entitlement? How in the world can you feel so entitled to some one else’s own flesh and blood? How dare you feel entitled to some one else’s child? Nothing gives you a right to another’s child, nothing.

"I love adoption! Giving my baby away was my ENTIRE purpose in life!"
I mean really guys, REALLY? Get real.  


Amanda said...

I agree. God does not cause suffering. He can make good out of bad (Romans 8:28). But he does not cause bad to one person so that good can happen to another.

Many adoptees also struggle with being told their loss was "meant to be." It just makes no sense.

A Life Being Lived said...

I completely agree with your post. Although my adoption experience has been positive, and I really love my daughter's parents, this is not how things were "meant" to be. Mothers are not meant to be separated from their children, no matter how young, financially unstable, etc. they are. I really think the only reason why a mother and child should be separated is if the mother is a danger to herself or her child and is in need of some sort of medical or psychiatric treatment. That said, faced with a challenging world and uncertain circumstances, I tried to make the best out of a hard situation. I don't believe God intended for me to be the "channel" for my daughter's parents to build their family or any of that nonsense. I believe that we all have free will and my free will made the adoption decision. My daughter's loss of knowing me as her mother, and my family as her family, will affect her as she grows up and into the rest of her life and I do not believe that God intended that loss for her either. That said, God wasn't providing me with unlimited resources, neverending support and any emotional, financial and physical assistance from the birthfather, so I found adoption as a way to try to make an uncertain situation better. Did God mean for this all to happen? I don't think so, but in a way he did keep a promise that if I went through the pregnancy that she would be ok. I am not sure if he knew that the way to ensure her well being was adoption though.

MamaFoster said...

i have to agree with you, even though I know that people really only say the things they say to make them selves feel better and when they are more at peace with their decisions than they were in the past.
i do think part of them means it but there are other parts to the situation.

i personally remembering writing "I was meant to do this..." after I picked up my first foster child and had cared for her for a few weeks. i know that i am meant to take care of other people's kids when they can't because God put it in me to be able to and willing to...but HE never meant for them to be abused and have to be placed with me in the first place. i am the contingency plan and i have to be ok with that.

mamamargie said...

Thank you for saying this. I am an adoptive mom to five kids and I have always been bothered by those phrases you commented on. I have met at least one of each of my kids' birthparents, seen the pain in their eyes, and the tears in their voice. Adoption has truly humbled me. I love my children and am so grateful that I get to raise them, but there is always a sense of sadness lurking around my thoughts that their own birth parents are missing out on all these wonderful moments. Adoption was NOT God's plan. It's His rescue and recovery option.

Anonymous said...

Maybe I have no right to comment on this but I came upon your blog while reading someone elses. I am a single mother to a 10 month old baby boy. I am also pregnant again. This time I plan on placing for adoption. I love the way you right, this post is so true. I wish everyone understood it that way.

Not Just A Birth Mom said...

@Anon- You have every right to comment! This blog is open for everyone. I am so sorry you are in that situation. Please feel free to email me if you have any questions, need any help, or just want to talk. I can help you find an ethical agency (you should really use one that provides free life-long counseling) and other resources in your area (resources for placing and parenting, whichever you decide).

Anonymous said...


Can I quote a portion of this post if I link it back to you in my post? I really love what you had to say and I don't think I could say it better!


Not Just A Birth Mom said...

Of course you can Brittani!


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