The agency I used to place William has a picnic every year. It’s open to all members of the triad. I love that they include everyone! Catholic Charities used to do a yearly get together of sorts, and while birth parents we allowed to come, we weren’t actually invited. We only knew about it because of our child’s adoptive parents. Anyway, this picnic is something I have really been looking forward to! Not only was it going to be fun to hang out with William and his family, I was going to be able to meet a few of my birth mom friends face-to-face, and of course I was excited about meeting even more birth parents and networking a bit. Originally, H and I were going to attend a mini adoption conference in the morning and then attend the picnic with everyone in the afternoon. I have just now found out that H and K will be taking the boys out of town that weekend to do something for AW’s birthday instead. Everything is already booked. I guess it’s a good thing I hadn’t bought my ticket to the conference yet…
Honestly, I’m quite upset. I have been looking forward to this weekend quite a bit, and I was even more excited when I found out a new birth mom friend of mine would be attending with her birth child’s family. I know it’s just a stupid picnic, it’s not like this was going to be my only time to see William and his family- I get to see him just about every week- and I know I can make plans to meet up with my first mom friends some other time, but I guess I was just really excited about this. I guess I could still go to the picnic, but I really don’t want to go by myself. I don’t want to be some random birth mom sitting off by myself, and I don’t want to intrude on anyone else’s time with their families. It would be awkward to go by myself. So I probably won’t go.
I feel like a spoiled child who is sulking because she hasn’t gotten her way, but no matter what I do I just can’t lift myself out of this funky mood I am now in. Anything I do with my boys and their families is very important to me. They basically out rank everything and everyone else. I do not cancel on them unless I absolutely have to. I do everything in my power make sure I am available when I say I will be available.
I guess part of the reason I get so upset, even depressed, whenever a get together is canceled is because it feels as though they do not view our get togethers with the same importance. I know it’s not true, I know our plans are important to all of them, but it seems as though it’s so much easier for them to cancel something. I guess I am much more emotionally invested then they are. It’s not a big deal to them because we’ll just get together another time or go to the picnic another year. But a cancellation is devastating to me. Every time it happens, I’m in a bad mood all day, sometimes quite a few days. I don’t feel like talking to anyone or doing anything. I just want to sulk in a room by myself and eat a bunch of stuff that’s completely horrible for me. It doesn’t help that I was supposed to see both Robbie and William this week, but due to conflicting schedules neither visit is going to work out. Ughh… I wish I could go sulk and continue to be Debbie Downer, but I have to go attend a defensive driving class instead. Note to self: Always stop completely at every stop sign.