Not Just A Birth Mom

The Most Perfect Mothers Day

2011-05-11T16:29:00.000-04:00

Tuesday I went to traffic court for a speeding ticket. I had been pulled over doing 79 in a 55 in March, and I’d received a nice little letter telling me my license would be suspended on my court date (24 MPH over puts 4 points on your license in GA, and if you are under 21 and receive 4 points from a single infraction you loose your license for 6 months). I’d pretty much resigned myself to believing I would not be driving again until November, so imagine my surprise when the DA dropped my charges down to 68 in a 55; No suspension, no classes, it won’t even go on my record. As the DA said, the only way anyone will find out about this is if they are in the FBI (or if I blog about it lol). I paid my money and walked out of there a free woman! As soon as I had cell phone service again (we were in the middle of NOWHERE GA) I texted M to let her know the good news (not having a license would have made it extremely difficult to see her and Robbie). She called me and asked me if I could come up Friday to help her take pictures of the boys for a fathers day present she is putting together for S. She promised to make me breakfast as payment and I eagerly agreed. I mean come on, free breakfast and a day with awesome people? Who could refuse?!

I told JGG about my plans, and he graciously offered to let me use his Cannon Rebel as my digital camera’s shutter speed is no longer fast enough to keep up with Robbie (I’m happy to report I had absolutely zero blurry pictures from Friday! Thanks JGG!). I showed up Friday morning with an empty belly and armed with the Rebel, fully prepared to snap a ton of pictures of a super cute little boy. After I’d been there almost a half hour, I heard the door bell ring. I didn’t think much of it because M had mentioned her sister might come over and pick something up, so I went to answer the door fully expecting Meghan, and instead I saw H and William!!! I FREAKED OUT! I started cracking up laughing and exclaiming, “Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! You guys had this planned all along!” M almost gave away the plans on accident when she texted me earlier in the week and sent a picture message of toys strewn across the floor with a text message saying “I JUST cleaned up and it already looks like this! You can tell H it really WAS clean at one point!” To which I replied that H wouldn’t mind what it looked like, and I asked if H was coming to her house anytime soon. She quickly backtracked and said that H was not coming over, but she knew she would eventually. Apparently eventually meant Friday!

They worked together to make me breakfast (French toast, scrambled eggs, bacon, etc) while I played with the boys. Back around Christmas, M had traced my hand print and told me she was going to use it for something later on. After we ate breakfast they presented me with a large frame and inside were my traced handprint and two smaller handprints inside of it.

“Those are William’s and Robbie’s hand prints. Happy birth mothers and mothers day!” the told me. It was then I finally realized they did all of this just for me for mothers day, and my heart melted. I love my baby mamas with my whole heart. I am so incredibly blessed to have them in my life and to have the kind of relationship with them that I do. I couldn’t ask for anything more J

So to my baby mamas, THANK YOU for giving me the most perfect day EVER! I love you!

My life's awesome, how's yours?

2011-04-30T13:29:00.001-04:00

So life has been pretty awesome recently. Work has been great, the family has been great, I’ve met some awesome new friends, I got to spend Easter with Robbie and his family (yes- I got to help him find all of his easter eggs! Too cute!), and… I have a boyfriend :) I’m going to call him the Jolly Green Giant, which is very fitting as he is 6’6’’ (towering over my 5’3’’ frame). JGG and I met a year ago when my sister introduced us at an Angels and Airwaves concert. We all went to the same church, but I never really saw him because he does lighting/sound/video for the children’s ministry (it’s a big church). We saw each other a few more times over the summer, but other than sporadic facebook conversations, our paths didn’t cross again until March. We were both helping with the Atlanta Passion Play- He was doing techie stuff and I was helping with children. We started hanging out every weekend during the performances, and afterwards we would go out together with a group of friends. A few weeks ago he asked me if it would be possible for us to “spend more time together” and I agreed. We went bowling and then out for coffee and desert. We ended up talking for hours, and we had such a good time we went out again every day that week. I must say this relationship is far different from any I’ve ever been in before. There hasn’t been a single awkward silence or uncomfortable moment. Every time we are together things just flow so naturally. Then again, I’ve come into this relationship with a completely different mindset. I have been completely open and honest about everything, and so has he. As I said to him the other week, “I’ve been through too much crap to play games and pretend to be something I’m not. If you’re going to like me it might as well be the real me. Makes things a lot easier.” We don’t hold anything back; we don’t play any of those silly dating/guessing games. I don’t have to wonder what he’s thinking or how he feels about something, because I already know.

I told him about Robbie and William on our third date.

“I have something to tell you, it’s pretty big. I don’t know if you can handle it.”

“I can handle it, just try me.”

“Ok. I have two kids.”

*surprised look* “Alright, that’s fine.”

“I’m not raising them.”

*confused look* “Ok……”

“Due to financial constraints and lack of support, I placed them for adoption. It’s an open adoption, so I see them all the time. I just thought you should know what you are getting yourself into, since you are already telling people we are dating. I want you to know that if you are uncomfortable with what I’ve just told you that you can walk away right now, no hard feelings.”

“Why would I walk away for something like that? I think it’s amazing that not only did you decide to continue the pregnancies when you didn’t have to, but that you make an effort to still be in their lives.”

And you know what? He really meant what he said. Not only is he accepting of my life, but he takes a real interest in it. Every time I see the boys he always says things like, “How was your time with the family? What all did you do? Oh wow, I bet that was a lot of fun!” He actually reads my blog, he gushes right along with me about how my kids are the cutest kids in the entire world, and he actually likes listening to me talk about them. I would think that hearing your girlfriend drone on and on about the two kids she placed for adoption would possibly be uncomfortable or annoying. But you know what he said? “I love it when you talk about your kids. You just glow every time. It’s amazing to see.” Not only does he know about my kids, but so does his family- and they are all SO accepting! His mom has read my blog too and she STILL likes me- It’s amazing! I couldn’t have asked for a better situation than the one I’ve ended up in (on a side note- I once wrote THIS post about how THIS video changed my life. It turns out JGG and his family were in that video! There's a really good close up of his step dad at 1:18. TOO COOL!).

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying this is going to last forever or anything, I’m not claiming he’s “The One”. It’s entirely too early for any kind of thoughts like that. However, as my friend Jade said the other day, “There are only two out comes to any relationship- Marriage, or breaking up- and you have to be prepared for either one.” I can honestly say I am fine with either out come. It would be totally cool to marry into a family that is so accepting of me and my life- but we’re young and so the chances of breaking up are far greater than the chances of marriage (and I don't want to be married anytime soon. I need a few more years lol). So knowing that it may end at anytime, I fully intend to completely enjoy this relationship for as long as it lasts J

Blogger Spotlight!

2011-04-16T00:00:00.003-04:00

While I have met so many amazing people through the online adoption world, there have been very few people that I have really connected with. I suppose part of that reason is that if I don't know you, I am pretty shy and guarded until I have the chance to warm up to you a bit. And then part of it was that I haven't found too many people with stories and lives similar to my own. Well that all changed when I came into contact with Heather. We started talking via email the other week after our counselor hooked us up (we placed through the same agency- Independent Adoption Center). Our counselor, Ashley, thought we might get along- boy was she right! We have so much in common- From our youngest boys both being named William, to planning to run the same 5K in May, and everything in between. As my sister said, "It's like some one put your life in a blender and gave it to her!" We also live in the same city, so it's fun to find out just how many times our paths might have crossed.
One thing we happen to have in common is blogging! I have never done a Spotlight post before, but I really think Heather deserves it. She just started blogging recently, but she already has a ton of posts! I love that everything she writes is so honest, and so real. She really doesn't put up any fronts when writing- what you see is what you get. I for one LOVE that kind of honesty! So, if you don't mind, pop on over to Heathers blog and show her a little love for me :) Click HERE

Simply Perfect

2011-04-10T22:56:00.001-04:00

Today we got everyone together for a cook out/picnic at a local park. When I say "everyone", I mean everyone! We had my mom and her boyfriend, my sister, my brother and his daughter; M, J, and Robbie; H, K, AW, and William- All in the same place at the same time! Unfortunately, S had to work and my sister in law wasn't feeling well, but other than that we had my entire immediate family there! I just couldn't believe that I had all of my favorite people together at the same time. Everything went so smoothly- All of the food turned out perfectly, everyone arrived on time, the weather was perfect, everyone got along wonderfully, and most amazingly- there was not a single melt down from any of the kids(or the adults, for that matter)!

The entire get together was so much fun. Everyone talked, laughed, ate, and took turns holding and playing with all of the different babies and children. AW and J instantly became BFF's- As soon as they introduced themselves to each other they were inseparable, and spent the rest of the day playing together and talking about their "baby brothers". Robbie went back and forth between tagging along with J and AW, hanging out with the adults and babies. My 10 month old niece absolutely adored William. She would wave to him, poke him(nicely, of course!), and "talk" to him every time she was near him. She was completely fascinated by him!

There simply aren't words for how amazing today was, so instead, I'll just let the pictures do the talking for me...

My siblings, my brothers daughter Alexandria, and William

Greg and William

AW playing with my niece, Alexandria

The group

And again....

My sister (holding our niece), my brother (holding William), me (holding Robbie)

Getting into trouble :)

It's true :) (you can buy this shirt HERE)

M holding William

Little brother- Big brother

AW & J -BFF's

The boys

Being saucy- He comes by it naturally

Trying to run away with my sweet tea

My boys!

Debbie Downer

2011-04-05T17:12:00.000-04:00

The agency I used to place William has a picnic every year. It’s open to all members of the triad. I love that they include everyone! Catholic Charities used to do a yearly get together of sorts, and while birth parents we allowed to come, we weren’t actually invited. We only knew about it because of our child’s adoptive parents. Anyway, this picnic is something I have really been looking forward to! Not only was it going to be fun to hang out with William and his family, I was going to be able to meet a few of my birth mom friends face-to-face, and of course I was excited about meeting even more birth parents and networking a bit. Originally, H and I were going to attend a mini adoption conference in the morning and then attend the picnic with everyone in the afternoon. I have just now found out that H and K will be taking the boys out of town that weekend to do something for AW’s birthday instead. Everything is already booked. I guess it’s a good thing I hadn’t bought my ticket to the conference yet…

Honestly, I’m quite upset. I have been looking forward to this weekend quite a bit, and I was even more excited when I found out a new birth mom friend of mine would be attending with her birth child’s family. I know it’s just a stupid picnic, it’s not like this was going to be my only time to see William and his family- I get to see him just about every week- and I know I can make plans to meet up with my first mom friends some other time, but I guess I was just really excited about this. I guess I could still go to the picnic, but I really don’t want to go by myself. I don’t want to be some random birth mom sitting off by myself, and I don’t want to intrude on anyone else’s time with their families. It would be awkward to go by myself. So I probably won’t go.

I feel like a spoiled child who is sulking because she hasn’t gotten her way, but no matter what I do I just can’t lift myself out of this funky mood I am now in. Anything I do with my boys and their families is very important to me. They basically out rank everything and everyone else. I do not cancel on them unless I absolutely have to. I do everything in my power make sure I am available when I say I will be available.

I guess part of the reason I get so upset, even depressed, whenever a get together is canceled is because it feels as though they do not view our get togethers with the same importance. I know it’s not true, I know our plans are important to all of them, but it seems as though it’s so much easier for them to cancel something. I guess I am much more emotionally invested then they are. It’s not a big deal to them because we’ll just get together another time or go to the picnic another year. But a cancellation is devastating to me. Every time it happens, I’m in a bad mood all day, sometimes quite a few days. I don’t feel like talking to anyone or doing anything. I just want to sulk in a room by myself and eat a bunch of stuff that’s completely horrible for me. It doesn’t help that I was supposed to see both Robbie and William this week, but due to conflicting schedules neither visit is going to work out. Ughh… I wish I could go sulk and continue to be Debbie Downer, but I have to go attend a defensive driving class instead. Note to self: Always stop completely at every stop sign.

Damn Straight

2011-03-24T23:17:00.000-04:00

FLORIDA BEAT BYU!!!!!

This is something I did not expect. While I am a true Florida Gator fan, I am also a realist. In my bracket, I had BYU beating Florida and passing on all the way to my final 8. I do not care for BYU, but like I said, I am a realist. Needless to say, I am ECSTATIC right now.

FLORIDA WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BOO-YAH!

Oh it is great to be a Florida Gator :)

Origins

2011-03-24T00:55:00.000-04:00

So recently I've been watching the show Dexter. Its characters are pretty f’d up. Anyway, the main character is a serial killer who just so happens to have been adopted from foster care.

In an episode I just watched (season 1 episode 9) Dexter receives an envelope through certified mail. Turns out, some guy has died and has listed Dexter as his son (and heir). Problem is, Dexter’s dad supposedly died decades ago, at least that’s what his foster dad told him. He goes to check things out and ends up having a DNA test done to prove once and for all if the man truly was his father (the guy hadn’t been buried yet, obviously. Oh, and the test was positive). His foster/adoptive sister finds out about it, and she FREAKS OUT. She goes on and on about how this guy (Dexter’s bio dad) isn’t even family and the fact that Dexter had the test done means that Dexter doubted their father and that Dexter, for some reason, cares about this man (his bio father) and that he shouldn’t care about him or try to find out anything about him. By trying to find out more about his biological father, Dexter, in her eyes, is betraying their family.

What a very real scenario (well, aside from the whole secret serial killer part). Too often an adoptee is discouraged and down right forbidden from seeking out their birth family. Even if they are only looking for information and not a relationship, quite often, their adoptive family feels threatened by it. While I can come up with a few possible reasons as to why this might be, none of them are very reasonable. They all seem to center on the personal feelings, doubts, and fears of the adoptive family- not what may or may not be best for the adoptee, or what the adoptee may desire.

It is completely normal for someone to ponder their roots, their origin. If it weren’t, we wouldn’t have shows like “Who Do You Think You Are?” or websites like Ancestry.com. We wouldn’t have school projects that involve making a family tree, and we wouldn’t have to fill in the bubble next to our appropriate race when filling out a census or completing a standardized test. But the reality is that we do in fact do these things, because we all wonder about our family history. Why? Because it’s normal, and it matters. I mean dang, I wonder what my dog is mixed with, I couldn't imagine not knowing the history of my child.

So why is it such a horrible thing for an adoptee to seek out their origins? Can some one PLEASE give me just two GOOD reasons as to why this is a horrible thing- Two reasons that are centered on the adoptee and not the adoptive or birth families? Can anyone come up with two reasons? I sure as hell can’t, but I’d love to hear your reasons, if you’ve got any J

Never Good Enough

2011-03-22T10:09:00.001-04:00

You know some thing I am starting to hate? That line, “My baby deserves so much more than I can give him/her.” I can understand that line and the thinking that goes along with it. I understand that when you are young/uneducated/unmarried/poor/in an abusive situation/etc, you want your child to have better than you can give them. It’s natural to desire the best in everything for your child.

This line of thinking is often one of the leading forces behind a woman (and man) surrendering their child for adoption. We tell ourselves (and are told by others) that we are not good enough, that the life we can give them isn’t good enough. After relinquishing, people try to comfort us by saying things like, “He has a better life now. You did what was right. He has everything he could ever want or need.” And eventually we try to comfort ourselves with the same words, telling ourselves over and over that we did the “right” thing until we start believing it.

You don’t realize it right away, but those “comforting” words really screw you up psychologically. They sow the seeds of worthlessness deep into your soul, so that when you do have children that you parent, you struggle with the belief that you are not good enough for them. For the 3-4 weeks I parented William, I struggled constantly with feelings that I wasn’t enough. When ever I took him out in public, I had the fear that everyone around me was judging me. I felt like everyone was thinking the same thing, “That girl has no idea what she is doing. She is a horrible mother. She doesn’t even deserve the title of Mother.” Of course I know that none of those things are true. I knew very well what I was doing, and I handled the demands of parenting like a pro. I wasn’t a horrible mother at all. Even though I knew all of this, I still struggled with feelings of worthlessness. For so long I had not been “enough” for my children, how could I possibly be enough now?

Even now I struggle with these feelings. I know for a fact that if I wanted to go pick up William and take him some where by myself, I could. Yet I am terrified that if I do, something will happen that I can not handle on my own. I know this is ludicrous, because I know exactly what I am doing. I have a sh*t ton of experience with children. In addition to parenting William on my own, there’s baby sitting my 9 month old niece, volunteering with a preschool, countless baby sitting jobs, working in the church nursery, working in a day camp for young children, and being the sole caretaker of my foster nephew when he was 1-2 years old. I am completely comfortable in caring for children. Yet when it comes to Robbie and William, my own flesh and blood, I fear that I am not capable enough to care for them.

How screwed up is that?

Can't Let Go

2011-03-22T00:22:00.000-04:00

Ever been surrounded by a ton of people, yet still be completely alone?

That’s how it was for me during my hospital stay with William. Every day we were in the hospital our room was crowded with R’s family members (and his b*tch). I was surrounded by this big group of people that I didn’t want to have anything to do with. I had no privacy, I wasn’t able to get any rest, and I was constantly stressed. Ever try breast feeding/working with a lactation consultant with a big a$$ group of people in the room? Yeah, not fun.

M was able to come visit once, my mom was only able to come visit in the evenings due to her work schedule, her boyfriend (who will be my stepfather eventually) was sick with the flu and therefore couldn’t come visit at all, my brother was busy with his work and family, and my sister didn’t yet know. I had no support system.

I suppose that might be part of the reason I had H and K visit so much. They were the only people who could come on a regular basis who actually supported ME. They didn’t talk shit to me or about me, they didn’t bring unwanted guests, they didn’t over stay their welcome (actually, they didn’t stay as long as I would have liked. They wanted Will and I to have time alone, which I love, but I wasn’t really getting much alone time with him), and they left me with a smile on my face instead of a need for more Tylenol.

I wish I could look back on our time in the hospital with nothing but fond memories, but I can’t. Every time I think about it I get a huge stress headache and I become so incensed with the treatment I received from R and his family that I just want to PUNCH A FREAKING WALL! (Or R, his mother, and his b*tch. Any or all three would suffice, plus I wouldn’t have to fix the dry wall. Hmm…). They completely ruined that time for me; that special time when a mother and child bond and get to know each other. They ruined it, and I don’t think that is something I will ever be able to get over. I don’t think I will ever be able to let it go and forgive them for it. Not anytime soon.

You must have been a beautiful baby....

2011-03-17T21:58:00.000-04:00

The hospital at which I delivered William had a photographer come around and do the baby's first photos. However, instead of just holding the camera above the baby's head and snapping a few photos (like they did where I delivered Robbie), this hospital actually did a whole little photo shoot. H and I went 50-50 and ordered the CD with all of the photos so that we could upload them online and print as many as we like. The pictures turned out so beautifully, I had to post a few of my favorites!

Sisters

2011-03-16T00:00:00.000-04:00

Back when my mother first found out I was pregnant with William (only a few weeks before he was born), she forbid me from telling my younger sister for fear that she would tell everyone else. I did not agree with this, but I went along with it anyway. I absolutely hated that she did not know. I hate that she missed out on the day he was born, the few weeks that I parented him, and the visits since. It’s been eating at me the entire time.

The other day, I took her with me to see Robbie and his family. It’s about an hour long drive, and since it was just the two of us, I decided to tell her. I told her everything; the surprise pregnancy, the drama with R and his family, that I placed with H & K, and how I had been able to parent him for a little while. She took it pretty well, but she did something that completely surprised me.

She cried.

Through her tears she told me, “I’ve never said anything about this before because I just feel so selfish saying it, but it hurts me too. I just feel so badly, because these are my nephews, and I’m not even a part of their life. I am supposed to be their aunt, and I never see them. And even worse, I feel like it’s not even my place (to be involved).”

Ouch.

Hearing her say this was like a knife to the heart. I know that the adoptions have affected everyone in my family (well, those who know about them). I know that everyone has had to deal with the loss. It’s just that no one has ever admitted it to me until now….

Of course, I felt horrible. I apologized to her for not involving her sooner with William, and that she could see him as often as she liked and that she would be his “Aunt C”, if that’s what she would like to be called. I also apologized for letting so much time go by without her seeing Robbie (it’s been several months). You get so busy and you always think, “Oh I can set something up for my family next month.” And before you know it six months has passed and you still haven’t done it. And most importantly, I told her that it IS her place to be involved in their lives, and from now on I (and my baby mamas) wanted her to be completely involved.

We had a wonderful visit with Robbie and his family, and when we got home that night she and I sat down together and went through every single picture I have of William (hundreds of them!), and I told her everything about him; from his slight heart murmur (and how he should grow out of it in the next six months) to how he has been holding up his head on his own from day 1. She is so excited to meet him and his family! She has been so supportive about all of this, and I am so grateful to her for being there for me when I need her to be. Sure, we might not always get along. Some times we argue, some times we throw punches (literally), but I know she always has my back. So here’s to my awesome little sister- Thank you for always being there and supporting me, and I promise to always include you in the lives of my boys from this day forward. I love you!

Live Like You Were Dying

2011-03-08T09:38:00.001-05:00

Back in the fall of 2006, I started feeling tired all of the time. I had headaches, pain in my back and neck, and my nose would randomly bleed. I didn’t think a whole lot about it. I have an electrolyte imbalance, so if I don’t regularly drink Gatorade or Powerade, or take some kind of electrolyte supplement, I get tired very easily. I had mild scoliosis as a child that, with the exception of a slight curvature in my neck, we had pretty much resolved with horseback ridding. So we attributed the headaches and back and neck pain to the curvature in my neck. After discussing things with the doctors, we decided to move forward with physical therapy in attempts to straighten out my spine. They took a few X-rays and did an MRI to determine just how curved my spine was, but they saw something on the MRI that caused them to send me in for a bone scan. The scan it’s self was pretty cool. They injected a hot pink radioactive dye into my arm and my mother and I went to lunch (it takes a while for it to spread through your body and seep into your bones. An hour, maybe more? I can no longer remember). A week or two after the scan, I had a crazy dream. I was in a room, and there was a doctor directly in front of me. He looked at me and said, “You have bone cancer.” And that was all. I awoke to my mother telling me the doctors had called- they found something on my right scapula (Well what the heck is a scapula? Apparently, it’s your shoulder blade!).

We went to a doctor at Emory, where we did more X-rays, a CT Scan, etc. After all of this was done, the doctor confirmed it- I had a tumor. I remember him going over the images from the MRI with us, he kept saying, “I’ve never seen anything like this. This is crazy. I’ve never seen anything like this.” Let me tell you, hearing that made me feel GREAT! Haha! We scheduled for another MRI and a biopsy to be done the week after Christmas. If the tumor turned out to be cancerous, they would remove as much of it as possible and start chemo two weeks later- right before my 16^th birthday.

The next few weeks I tried to live my life as normally as possible. I tried to ignore the probability of me having bone cancer, but it seemed as though that’s all anyone else ever thought about. Every time I turned around, some one wanted to pray about it or talk about it (the awkward silences every time I entered a room, along with the sympathetic stares, were the worst). Don’t get me wrong, I love that everyone was so supportive, but I was still in denial. I wanted to pretend it wasn’t happening.

Back then there was a Tim McGraw song that had recently come out and was VERY popular. They played it allll the time. “Live Like You Were Dying” was the title, and it talks about a guy who is diagnosed with cancer (or at least we are led to believe it’s cancer with the line "I spent most of the next days, Looking at the x-rays, An' talking 'bout the options an' talkin’ ‘bout sweet time.") and how he decides to do all of the things he’d always wanted to do, as well as live his life better (“I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter, And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying”). It’s a great song, however, it was just a little too personal for me at the time. That song was the absolute last song on earth that I wanted to hear. My mom on the other hand LOVED it, and every time it came on (which was All. The. Time.) she would crank it up and sing to it at the top of her lungs. I suppose to her the song represented hope, as the guy survived to live a nice long life. To me it was just a painful reminder that I was probably dying.

My cousins came to town for Christmas break, and their company helped to lift my spirits. I had a blast hanging out with them, and my health seemed to improve dramatically. I hadn’t had a nose bleed or a headache in a couple of weeks, and I actually had energy! I didn’t think much of it; I just figured my cousins were a good distraction from everything going on.

A few days after Christmas, I went back for my 2^nd MRI. This time my aunt and siblings accompanied my mother and me to the doctors for support. After waiting forever for the doctor to look over the images from the MRI, he finally came in the room and sat down in front of me. He was quiet for a moment, and then he said, “We’ve gone over the images several times. We can’t find anything. The tumor is gone.” My aunt just about fell out of her seat! “You mean it’s just gone?!” She exclaimed. “Yes. So far, we can not find anything. It’s a….. a miracle.” He said, with the last part barely audible. We did another CT scan and more X-rays, just in case, but it was not there. There wasn’t a single tumor to be found in my entire body. I remember running out to the waiting room and hugging my brother and sister, crying out “It’s gone! It’s gone!” with tears of joy and relief streaming down my face.

A few weeks later, I celebrated my sweet 16 and landed my first job at Six Flags, where I met R and, well, you know the rest. I haven’t made the best decisions in the four years since then, but I’m doing better. I haven’t lived life the way I wanted to, and I’m changing that. God gave me a second chance, and so far I haven’t done much with it but mess up. So from now on I’m going to take full advantage of that second chance; I am going to live like I am dying

And I think I'll sing this song while doing it

Omg, shoes!

2011-03-04T21:35:00.000-05:00

During my break from work the other day, I went to one of Atlanta’s landmark shoe stores, Walters.

They were having an awesome sale on kid’s shoes, so I got Robbie these

I have a slight obsession with Polo shoes for little kids. One pair of these usually starts at $40. I got both for $35, total! It seems a bit silly because I don’t even spend that much on my own shoes and I know he’ll grow out of them relatively quickly, but I just couldn’t help my self! I mean really, aren’t they just adorable? I can not WAIT to see him wear them!

Purpose

2011-03-02T22:33:00.001-05:00

There have been quite a few blog posts lately that involve first moms saying something along the lines of “I know my birth child was meant for them (the AParents)” or “I know I was placed on this earth to bring them their child.” Every time I read something like this I roll my eyes, shake my head, and say “Seriously? What the $@#&.”

Here’s how I feel about that.

Do I think my children were “meant” to be raised by their perspective adoptive parents? No, I do not. Not one little bit. Why would I? If God meant for my children to belong to their adoptive parents, then their adoptive mothers would have become pregnant with them, carried them for 9 months (it’s really closer to 10), and then given birth to them (Duh!). Obviously, it didn’t happen that way. God meant for ME to have those children, that’s why I became pregnant with them. God did not place me on this earth to bring some one else a child- I’m not a freaking incubator. It was not God’s plan for me to have premarital sex, get knocked up, and then give some one else my child and suffer life long grief from doing so. Just like it is not God’s plan for couples to experience infertility/sterility. Unfortunately, we live in an imperfect, sin-filled world, so these things happen. Sin is never a good thing; however, God can make something good out of it.

For instance, even though it was not God’s doing that Robbie’s adoptive parents were infertile or I engaged in premarital sex, He still made something good out of it. He brought us together, and we have helped each other out. I have given them a child, and they have given my child a life I could not give him on my own.

Disagree with me? Read the bible. God does NOT instigate sin.

Here are just a few examples....

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Romans 8:28

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

So there you have it. God does not plan for bad things to happen to us. Instead, when these things happen, He provides a way to make it better. Adoption is not a part of His plan, no matter what your church might tell you to think. It can be used by Him for good, but adoption is NOT how He intends families to be made. To those of you adoptive parents that disagree with this, meaning you believe “your” child was “meant” for you…. All I have to say to you is this; what in the world gives you such a feeling of entitlement? How in the world can you feel so entitled to some one else’s own flesh and blood? How dare you feel entitled to some one else’s child? Nothing gives you a right to another’s child, nothing.

"I love adoption! Giving my baby away was my ENTIRE purpose in life!"

I mean really guys, REALLY? Get real.

Just to clear things up....

2011-02-27T17:33:00.000-05:00

It seems as though there has been a bit confusion on where I stand as far as adoption is concerned. Let me just say that I am totally Pro-Adoption. Adoption can be a beautiful, wonderful thing, like it is in my life. Painful, but beautiful. When done right, adoption can be amazing. But that's just it- when done right. So often, adoption is not done right. There are still agencies out there that are coercing men and women into placing their babies for adoption. There are still adoptive parents that promise one thing, and then do the complete opposite. There are still so many unethical practices. There are still so many birth parents out there who are empty and hurting, because they were not given the things they were promised.... These are the things I am against. These are the reasons I believe adoption needs to be reformed. I will keep firm in this belief until every birth parent can have as beautiful of a situation as my own.

Just a quick thought.....

2011-02-26T13:07:00.000-05:00

People recommend that you do not separate a puppy from it's mother for at least six weeks.... This is for the overall physical and emotional health of the mother and the puppy..... So why is it that when it comes to human infant adoption, we try to remove the babe from its mother as he is drawing his first breath? Why is it that we can't extend the same courtesy to a MOTHER and her CHILD that we do to a DOG?

Just a thought.

Transfer of Motherhood

2011-02-25T23:01:00.000-05:00

As I’ve said before, I cherish the few weeks I got to parent William. I am so, SO thankful I had that special time with him. It was so nice to be referred to as his mommy, to actually BE his mommy. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world!

The first time my mom saw William after I signed the papers and sent him home with H and K, she handed him to me after holding him and said, “Time to go see Ashleigh!” Ashleigh. Not mommy. I knew I wasn’t mommy anymore, but to hear my mom refer to me as just Ashleigh when only a few days before I had been “mommy”…. Well, I guess it really made things real for me, and it really sucked. It was like someone turning a knife in my chest. A month later, it still hurts every time she refers to me as “Ashleigh” around William. But for some reason, it only hurts when she says it and not when other people say it (on a side note; H will sometimes call me “Mama Ashleigh” when talking to William. The jury is still out on how I feel about this, but I think that I like it- lol).

William used to follow the sound of my voice. It didn’t matter where I went; he would always turn his head towards me (causing my mom to say quite a few times, “He knows who his mommy is!”). Now, he follows H’s voice. She’ll talk to him, and he turns his head towards her. It makes me sad at times to see just how much he has already bonded with H, as though our time together never happened. But at the same time, I absolutely love seeing H & William together. I love being able to see just how much she loves and cherishes him. It does my heart good to know he is so loved by so many.

HB 2904 pt2

2011-02-25T12:08:00.002-05:00

For the last week I have tried to write again about HB 2904; Why I support it, and the people who don't support it. But I just can't do it. Every time I sit down to the computer to type out my feelings, I become so frustrated, and so upset, that I just have to walk away. I seriously just can not understand how anyone can be SO against themselves, and others like them. How can a birth mother NOT support birth mothers, birth mother rights, and protections for birth mothers and the adoptee? I can not, and will not, EVER understand this.
So because I am too upset to put my feelings into words, I will instead post a comment made by an adoptee on a post over at the First Mother Forum. Please read her (I am assuming this adoptee is a female, please correct me if I am wrong!) entire comment, as she makes some very good points.

"Speaking of "not reading posts very well," how many times does Jane have to write a post explaining the legislation before people will read it and understand that their questions have already been answered?

If they have actually read her posts, and still have questions, perhaps they could clarify which ones were not cleared up, based off of what Jane said, instead of just saying Jane hasn't answered anything. She has. Good grief, I feel like I could write a master's thesis on this bill already.

--She has said who "Oregon Birth Mothers" are. She has named names. What is the claim that they don't exist based off of? Because they aren't registered non-profit status? Lots of groups aren't registered (e.g. "grassroots") and they very much exist. Some of the mother's stories were published in a magazine article which Jane has linked to at least once.

--Jane has stated the 8 day period does not interfere with bonding. The APs can take the baby home if that is what the mother wants.

--If time periods are waivable, then there's nothing to stop an unethical lawyer/agency from pressuring a mother to waive them. Do people understand this inability to wave the decision-making period is to prevent coercion to protect the mother and child?

--Jane has stated that both the 8 day period and 30 day period are not "anti-adoption" barriers to adoption, but recommendations by the Evan B. Donaldson adoption institute. How in the world is following the recommendations by one of the leading adoption policy groups in the U.S. "anti-adoption?"

--An issue with many institutions and industries is when one entity knows more than the individual making a life-long decision. I experienced this first-hand when buying my home and signing my mortgage (the unfair advantage is precisely why there's a mortgage crisis!). In adoption, agencies and lawyers hold the same advantage. Is it really that horrible that the law require them to give necessary information to a mother making a decision for her child?

--Just because one mother had an ethical lawyer/agency does not mean another lawyer will for another mother. What is wrong making one ethical standard so that ALL mothers can receive that same ethical treatment?

Why doesn't anyone who opposes the bill have answers to these questions?

Is anyone who opposes this legislation reading anything anyone writes to answer their questions? I would think that those who would want others to be as madly in love with adoption as they are, would support legislation that would enable women to make sound decisions and enable APs to know that the original mother made a sound decision so that there's a greater chance that they WOULD love adoption.

So many of we adoptees have mothers who were not given adequate time to make decisions because nothing was stopping the agencies from asking them to sign consents when our mothers were not ready and had not had adequate information (or any information at all). When I think of my mother pining all those years, wondering if she did the right thing, I don't see extended decision-making time as her automatically not choosing adoption. It's not "anti-adoption." I see it as providing her with time, when the agency couldn't have stomped into her hospital room, to really think about it and have had more peace with her decision. She deserved that peace of mind. I think it's sad that there was no law in my birth state that would have prevented the agency from treating her that way.

I really wish people would take just 5 minutes of their time to read Jane's posts and respond directly to what she's said. Jane is obviously more than qualified to speak on and interpret law, especially in Oregon. Instead of just repeating themselves and shouting the same misinformation about the law, why don't they comment directly on her explanations and tell her how she's wrong? Instead, they've come here to be rude and sarcastic to her, making remarks about her personally instead of the legislation, when she's done nothing but follow her convictions."

*** I have permission to post this comment. Any emphasis has been added by me (with the exception of the words in all capital letters). For more information on this bill you can go here and here. You can also read these blogs.

A big thank you...

2011-02-20T12:08:00.000-05:00

I’m not quite sure what I would have done without the online adoption community. It has connected me with so many amazing and supportive people. For starters, I would have never met H if it weren’t for our online adoption group. That means I would have been stuck with a family I knew nothing about- A family who probably wouldn’t allow a relationship between my two birthsons, a family who could possibly close (or severely limit) the adoption one day. Instead, I have a family that supports and encourages a relationship between William and his brother Robbie (as well as with R’s other children) and has me over once a week (or more) to see my (birth)son.

The internet also helped me to connect with people who have already gone through what I am now going through. Like for instance, Kelsey Stewart. I was able to talk with her about what it was like to choose adoption not once, but twice. She gave me some great advice, as well as writing this blog post about her experience. Then there was Joniece, who was able to share her experience of going to court with her (birth)son’s birth father. I am so thankful to her for her words of encouragement and advice! And then there are people like Meg and LeMira. Those two ladies are awesome! They are always there, supporting me, encouraging me, and loving me.

So to all of you awesome people, thank you!!!!

It's over!

2011-02-16T00:41:00.000-05:00

So it’s done. V-Day has come and gone, with out a word from R about changing his mind (again). 12 AM last night, the adoption was finally official on our end. H was finally able to make the big announcement on facebook, and I expect them to send out announcement cards soon. Today after work I went over to their house for a sort of celebratory dinner. H cooked lasagna, and I made a peach cobbler (Yes, made. Peeled and sliced the peaches myself!). We had a lovely time, as always J

Once I got home I checked facebook just to see what all she had said in her post, and which pictures she had decided to upload. H had sent me a text earlier in the day letting me know she was going to post a few things and include “Liam” as his nickname, but explained that I did not have to call him that and to please call him William if I wanted. We had a talk several weeks ago about what his nickname would be; I liked “Will” and she liked “Liam”, and for different reasons, we each did not like the others choice (Mainly because of people we don’t like that go by those names). In theory, I didn’t really have a problem with her family calling him “Liam”…. But once I heard it, and once I saw everyone (EVERYONE) calling him “Liam” on Facebook… Well, I have decided I absolutely HATE that damn nickname. HATE. Loathe. Abhor- WHATEVER- I do NOT like it. First, I don’t think it’s a very attractive name. Second, I don’t think about my beautiful little William when I hear it. Instead, I think about someone I despise and I think about what they did to make me despise them. And then I get angry and upset (yeah I know, forgiveness, right? But these wounds are still too fresh for me to “forgive and forget” just yet).

Maybe it will grow on me, like Robbie’s new name did. Maybe one day I’ll be able to call him Liam without wanting to vomit. Or maybe not. We’ll see.

I guess I’ll just be happy that this adoption mess with R is finally over. I can finally relax!

....

2011-02-14T11:59:00.000-05:00

This last week, a very awesome friend of mine adopted a baby boy. Well, they are in the process of adopting him.

I am overjoyed that things seem to be working out for them, that they are getting a chance to complete their family. I know they will be great parents to this little boy and that his birth parents will always be kept in very close contact and treated with the utmost respect. However, I feel so sad at the same time. I can’t help but think of the first parents and what they must be going through right now. My heart aches for them, and I wish that they didn’t have to suffer through this tremendous loss. I wish I could be there for them, wrap my arms around them, and let them know that eventually, one day, it will be OK again. I want to tell them not to worry, because their son’s adoptive parents are truly amazing and will always keep every promise they make, and then some. I want to assure them they will always be a huge part of their birth son’s life, because I know my friend wouldn’t have it any other way.

So to the first parents of this beautiful little boy- you may not ever read this, but I am sending hugs, thoughts, and prayers your way.

HB 2904

2011-02-13T20:12:00.002-05:00

Let me just say that for the most part, I am pro adoption- IF adoption is necessary, and IF it is an open adoption. Not every adoption is necessary. There are many first mothers who place because they are led to believe that they are not enough, or that they didn’t have what it takes, only to realize too late that they really could have made it work. I believe that while adoption can be a wonderful thing, like it is in my life, it can also be a horrible thing. Some times adoption can be no more than the legal kidnapping of a child. Adoption is something that needs a lot of change. Current laws need to be changed; new laws need to be put in place.

It has come to my attention that a group of first mothers is trying to have a bill passed that would change how adoption is done in Oregon. It is called HB 2904, and the group of first mothers that blog under the name of “birthmothers for adoption” are against it. At first glance I didn’t see why they, or any birthparent, would have a problem with it. I mean of course a lot of adoptive parents and adoption agencies would hate it, but it seemed to me that this bill was only trying to protect birth parents from coercion and child kidnappers (people who promise an open adoption only to disappear after the papers are signed).

After reading the bill over several times, as well as sharing it with several different parties and discussing what they do and don’t like about the bill, my opinion hasn’t changed much.

Over all, I am A-OK with this bill being passed. I think it is something that NEEDS to be done. Adoption isn’t rainbows and butterflies, and while I may have been blessed with two amazingly open adoptions, I am realistic enough to acknowledge and understand that not every adoption turns out as nicely as my own have. I believe that passing this bill will empower expectant parents and first parents to really be able to make the absolute best decision for them and their child, whether that is parenting or adoption. Because this bill provides so much time for the first mother/father to consider/change their decision, I believe the majority of first parents who do continue with the adoption will be largely at peace with their decision. So many first parents are NOT at peace with their decision, whether it is because they felt they were rushed, forced, coerced, lied to, etc. They go on to live a life full of bitter regret, always wondering what could have been done differently.

However, there are a few things in the bill that need to be changed.

The new law would require 8 days to pass before the expectant parents can place the child with the adoptive parents. These 8 days can not be waived. During those 8 days, they can either parent the child, or place the child in a state run foster home. Now, I fully support the 8 day wait, BUT I do believe you should either be given the option to shorten the wait to 3 days OR sign something allowing the adoptive parents to take the baby home with them during those 8 days. Not every adoption is the same. Some times the reason a woman places has nothing to do with a “crisis” pregnancy. Some times the pregnancy is a product of rape and/or incest. It would be down right cruel to force a woman to parent her child for 8 days in a situation like that.

Yes, there is the option of foster care, but really, would you trust YOUR child to the state? My parents were foster parents for a few years, and I am very familiar with how well social workers can (NOT) do their jobs. Once a child is in the care of the state, everything goes down hill. It all becomes one giant, sticky mess, and you run the risk of the child remaining in foster care until they are an adult. Foster care is something I would not want to mess with.

Well, I just re-read all the changes and honestly, I can’t think of anything else I disagree with.

The bill gives the first parents 30 days to change their mind- they can not waive this right by signing a Certificate of Irrevocability. I know some of you may be screaming, “30 DAYS?! THAT’S A LIFETIME!” Well, maybe it is a long time. I know in my current situation, 30 days DOES feel like a life time. It would mean R had even more time to flip flop with his decision, or continue with his antics. However, I know when I placed Robbie I would have given anything to have that 30 days. I mean think about it. Would you decide what kind of car or which house you are going to buy in less than a week? Probably not. You are more than likely going to do some research, some budgeting, and some serious thinking before making such a big decision. So why is it so different when we are deciding the fate of our CHILD? Why must we make a life time decision in just a few days? Why does that even seem normal?! That’s not normal!

The bill also says this “For up to one year, any party to an adoption may file an action contesting the validity of a consent to an adoption and whether the counseling and attorney participation and requirements were met, as well as challenging an adoption if they can prove fraud or duress. For this provision, in an agency adoption the birth parent has now become a party.”

This doesn’t bother me. Quite often, an expectant parent is promised an open adoption, only to have the adoption closed once the Aparents have the baby. I believe that giving the first parents the right to challenge the adoption for up to a year could possibly prevent this type of fraud. Not completely, but partially. I believe it would force potential adoptive parents to A. Be honest with what they REALLY want (open, closed, semi-open) and B. Keep their promises.

HB 2904 would also require the couples home study to be seen by the expectant parents. To that I say, GOOD! This couple is asking to take my child, why shouldn't I know everything about them? This isn't a puppy I am trying to get rid of, this is my CHILD! Reading the couples home study would provide you with a very clear picture on how your child would be raised and what kind of life style they will have. I did not see the home study for Robbie's adoptive parents, but I made sure to ask (and receive) the home study for William's adoptive parents. I know their yearly income, I know how each of them were raised, I know how they plan to raise William, etc. If I can give you my child, you can give me personal information. It's not like we're asking for your social security number, we just want to know WHO exactly will be raising our children, and how.

So that’s my take on it. I don’t believe it should be passed like it is, but I do believe it should be passed after a little bit of tweaking.

Feel free to share your opinions on HB 2904!

****EDIT**** Amanda has posted her interview HERE. PLEASE go read it! It resolved all of my questions about/issues with the bill. I can now say that I completely support the bill, and I truly hope it is passed, and soon!

This is what open adoption really is

2011-02-09T23:19:00.000-05:00

Can I just say that I love OPEN adoption?

Yesterday I got together with M, H, and *our* precious boys. This is Robbie’s second time meeting William, his little brother. That’s right, his BROTHER.

You all know how M and S had decided to not tell the boys the exact meaning of being adopted (basically that they grew in some one else’s tummy) until they were older? Well, they FINALLY had “the talk” with J. William will now be referred to as Robbie’s brother, though I’m sure all four of the boys will grow to be like brothers. M even had the idea to photograph the four of them together and send it out as their Christmas card this year. How completely awesome is that!?!

I am so excited to watch the relationship between our families grow. It truly is a beautiful thing :)

My Story: Part 2

2011-02-05T13:36:00.003-05:00

Well, how do I begin? I’ve always been completely honest on this blog of mine, but I must admit that over the last few months, I’ve been keeping something from you all. And not just my online readers and friends, but almost everybody I know. I suppose I should start from the beginning (be prepared, this is more of a book than a blog post).

The relationship between Robbie’s birth father and I has always been like a roller coaster ride. There have been too many ups and downs to count. I honestly believe if I had never gotten pregnant that first time, our relationship would have been over and done in less than a year. However, having sex with someone and conceiving a child together, whether that child lives or dies, creates one hell of a bond between you. No matter what happened, no matter how many times we broke up, we some how always ended up back together. Our on again, off again, relationship stretched out for a little over three years.

Because of this bond, I have given R many “second” (more like 222^nd) chances. I cared about him, so I let him get away with things I would have killed other guys for doing. It wasn’t healthy, and I am glad I was finally able to put an end to things.

Robbie was conceived during one of our many short lived “on again” moments. For most of my pregnancy, we weren’t together. In fact, R actually dated some one else for the majority of my pregnancy. After Robbie was born, we got back together for a few months. Then of course, we broke up, only to get back together again before the end of the year. But by February, things had ended again. Unfortunately, there were a few times I let him get to me, and we ended up hooking up a time or two in the month before Robbie’s first birthday. It was then that I finally realized I wanted better for myself, that I didn’t want to keep making the same bad choices that led to the same situations. I completely ended things with R, even going as far as blocking him from Twitter, deleting him as a friend on Facebook, and for a while I blocked his number from my phone. For the first time in three years, I made a REAL effort to move on.

Things were going pretty well for me. I was doing great at work, I started going to church more regularly, I had more time for friends and family, and I was finally rebuilding the trust I had lost with my mother.

Sometime last fall, I set up an appointment to have a physical at a low cost clinic. I don’t have health insurance, and I haven’t for most of my life, so needless to say this physical was long over due. They did all the usual things, including a pregnancy test. The doctor told me I tested positive for being pregnant. I laughed at him, and told him it wasn’t possible. I hadn’t been sexually active in MONTHS! And I had absolutely no pregnancy symptoms. “Trust me,” I said, “If I was pregnant, I would know. I’ve been pregnant before.” So he had me agree to do a blood test (they didn’t have an ultrasound machine), which after a few days also came back as positive. I know enough about this stuff to know that if a blood test says you are pregnant, you are pregnant. I couldn’t believe it.

After looking back over my calendar and figuring out when I possibly could have conceived, we calculated that I was over six months pregnant. I was due the first week of January. I was shocked. I mean when I say I had no symptoms, I mean that I had NO symptoms. I didn’t really have any weight gain, and the only time I ever vomited in the entire 6+ months was when I tried a White Russian with a friend (if you don’t know, a White Russian is a horrible drink consisting of Vodka, Milk, and Kahlua. I do not recommend it). It made me horribly sick all night and I felt queasy for about 36 hrs afterwards (Now that I am writing this, I remember saying to my friend (in between vomiting) something along the lines of, “Gosh, I haven’t been this sick since I was pregnant.” Ha. I should have knocked on wood!).

After finding out, I immediately went and applied for pregnancy Medicaid, and started searching for good doctors who accepted Medicaid and delivered at a good hospital. Lucky for me, I found a great doctor who was able to see me pretty quickly, and she was affiliated with one of the best hospitals in Atlanta. I had my first doctors appointment and ultrasound when I was a little over 7 months along (it took a few weeks for Medicaid to come through). Amazingly, he (yes, another boy!) was completely healthy, and was actually half a pound bigger than he should have been! It was a huge relief to know he was healthy even though I hadn’t had any prenatal care. God was definitely looking out for us.

Along with applying for Medicaid and finding a doctor, I also had to figure out what I was going to do. Parenting wasn’t an option. My situation hadn’t changed much since I was pregnant with Robbie. Sure I had a job, but with it only being part time, I really didn’t make much money. Not enough to support myself, and definitely not enough to support myself AND a baby. This left adoption as the only option.

My journey through adoption has connected me with quite a few awesome people. One of those people is my dear friend, “H”. H and I met in the fall of 2009 in an online adoption support group. We instantly clicked after she responded to one of my posts, and began messaging each other frequently. It wasn’t long before we found out we lived in the same area, and made plans to meet for coffee. We would meet for coffee at least one morning a month and talk for hours until one of us had to either work or pick up a child from school. With me being a birth mom and her being an adoptive mom, we had the best conversations! It was wonderful being able to learn from each other, share our experiences, and gain advice from the other. We quickly became close friends.

When I found out I was pregnant, I already knew M and S would most likely not adopt this baby. While M is a stay at home mom, S works a lot. So quite often it is just M at home with the two boys. Adding a new born to the mix would have been insane. As I thought, the answer was no (even though it just about killed M to know that Robbie would have a full blooded brother that wouldn’t be with me or them!).

So the next logical step was to ask H (and her husband, K). H and K aren’t an interracial couple, so I wasn’t sure how they would feel about adopting a biracial child, but I asked anyway. The answer was yes! And so we moved forward with an “adoption plan”.

This situation was an answer to my prayers. I already knew them, they were looking to adopt again, and I knew first hand that they really did have an open adoption with their son’s family and wanted another very open adoption. It was nice because I already had an established relationship with them, and therefore already had a certain level of trust with them. There was no anxiety over them closing the adoption or not keep their promises (And there was no pressure. I knew that if I changed my mind and decided to parent, they would support me 100%).

It was completely different than the first adoption. I did things with them I wish I had been able to do with M and S. For instance, I brought H along with me to a couple of doctor’s appointments, the four of us got together for a 3D ultrasound, H came with me to my hospital tour, and I invited them to visit us 3 out of the 4 days we were in the hospital. Oh, guess what? R and I got to pick his name! I picked his first name (William), and R picked his middle name. As far as adoption goes, it was the perfect situation.

William 12/29/10 7lbs, 10 oz 19.5 inches long

Unfortunately, everything started to go down hill once William got here.

First- R’s girlfriend (who, by the way, is pregnant! Shocker! I’ll call her #3, as she will be his 3^rd baby mama) showed up to the hospital not once, but TWICE, and once she was there she stayed for several HOURS. And to make it even worse, R’s mother actually gave her a ride both times! She went completely out of her way to pick her up from the other side of town and bring her to see MY son! Apparently in their family, it’s completely normal to bring your sons pregnant girlfriend to the hospital room of his ex girlfriend who just had his baby and is recovering from major surgery and then stay for several hours (ha, can you tell I’m still pretty pissed off?). After the second day of #3 showing up, I had a “talk” with R. She didn’t show up again after that.

Second- R’s mother, Sandra, asked me if she could “have” the baby, since I was “giving him away”. She continued to ask this the entire time I was in the hospital, and tried to bribe me with things like letting me keep him on the weekends and still allowing me to be called mommy. I appreciate her “offer”, really I do, but the only way she is raising my child is over my dead body (I won’t go into specific reasons as to why I would not accept her offer, but trust me when I say I have very good reasons).

Third- When Robbie was born, R was great! He was so helpful the entire time we were in the hospital. I didn’t have to ask him to do anything because he was already doing it. This time was entirely different. The first night (when I still couldn’t get out of bed because my legs were numb from anesthesia) he didn’t do anything but sleep. I couldn’t walk, but some how I managed to do every feeding and every diaper change. When I tried to wake him up to help me (I even threw a few things at him), all he did was roll over. He once threatened to leave William and me alone at the hospital during a fight about #3 showing up. He even went so far as to pack his bag and leave for a short time before showing back up.

We had planned to sign the Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) papers after being discharged from the hospital. Last time we signed at the hospital and Robbie and I left separately. Being wheeled out of the hospital with a swollen stomach and empty arms SUCKED, and there was no way I was doing that again. Well it turns out I didn’t have to worry about that. The day we were discharged, Rob decided he wasn’t ready to sign the papers. There was no choice but to take little William home with me. Thankfully, M lent me Robbie’s infant car seat, a pack and play, bottles, clothes, etc. I don’t know what I would have done without her help.

I called H the day we were to be discharged from the hospital and informed her that R was having second thoughts. She and K had already accepted that the adoption wasn’t going to happen. We both cried on the phone together as she told me something along the lines of (I’m paraphrasing here) “It might not be what you planned for, and it may not have happened the way you envisioned, but I have no doubt in my heart you will be an amazing mommy to William. He is so lucky to have you for a mother. K and I completely support you parenting.” She assured me that while the situation sucked a little, this didn’t change our friendship, and she hoped to still be a part of mine and William’s life. She even lent me a few things like clothes and bibs for William to use.

That first night home from the hospital was the hardest. I was so physically and emotionally exhausted from the stress of dealing with Robert’s family on top of major surgery and taking care of a new baby, I actually slept through two of William’s feedings (I am an extremely light sleeper, so this is highly unusual, basically unheard of). I don’t know what would have happened if my mom and her boyfriend hadn’t been around to take care of him those two times.

I had no idea what was going to happen for me and little William. R was refusing to sign the papers, and I had NO plan B. I had no way to raise or care for William, and neither did R. Then there was R’s controlling, selfish, and manipulative behavior (e.g. “If you don’t do ____, then I’m not going to sign the papers”)... The stress on top of the pure exhaustion left me in tears many times. I decided this was not what I wanted my son live with. After talking with my adoption coordinator, I decided I still wanted to try for adoption. I called and talked to H about it, and we agreed that as long as everyone was on board, they were still interested in adopting William.

After a little over two weeks of R’s constant back and forth, he finally agreed to sign. January 15^th, the day before my birthday, we met at the agency and signed the TPR papers. Again, it wasn’t anything like the first time. I didn’t cry; I didn’t feel any overwhelming sadness. We signed the papers, and then went back to my house where we ate tacos and watched the Atlanta VS. Greenbay football game with H and K. After watching Greenbay unfortunately destroy Atlanta, I packed up William’s things, kissed him goodbye, and sent him home with his new family.

It wasn’t goodbye for long though! The very next day the four of us (plus William!) went to dinner for my birthday, and a few days after that they had us over and I got to give William his first bath! So far, I’ve seen William at least once a week (sometimes more!). Things were going very well until that next week.

He liked the water, but not so much the whole cleaning process lol

So cute!

In Georgia, you have 10 days to change your mind after surrendering your rights. On the very last day (the 25^th), just hours before the deadline, R revoked his surrenders. He had no real good reason, and he had no plan for what he would do next. After dealing with a few more of his childish antics, I decided to move forward with the adoption with or without him. If he didn’t want to re-sign the papers, I would take him to court and terminate his parental rights. I shared my desire to do so with H and K, who (much to my relief) said that as long as I was 100% sure, they would support me. I contacted the agency attorney and made plans to have R served with a notice of my intentions.

The past weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. That being said, the few weeks I parented William will forever be treasured in my heart. I loved everything about it; the way he felt in my arms when I held him, learning all of his facial expressions and sounds, having him scream in my hear non-stop for over an hour and still being able to laugh and tell him how absolutely precious he is, and most of all- realizing that I COULD do it. Coming to the realization that I could handle parenting, and handle it well, was amazing.

In the two weeks since R revoked his surrenders, we have set things in motion for him to be served. I suppose the knowledge of this has scared him a little, because yesterday afternoon he resigned the TPR papers with the attorney. He has until midnight on Valentines Day to change his mind (again). If he does revoke his surrenders a second time, he will have 30 days (starting the day he is served, which will be soon, very soon.) to obtain a lawyer and take us to court. If those 30 days pass and he does nothing, his rights will automatically be terminated. If he takes us to court, I have no doubt that we will win (due to his horrible job history, lack of income, lack of housing, lack of transportation, the fact that he has other kids by other women that he can not care for, etc.).

I am just hoping it doesn’t come to that…

So now we hold our breath until V-Day. I’ll keep you posted….

2010-12-05T16:27:00.000-05:00

I want to say I am sorry I haven't been blogging very much recently. I probably wont start posting regularly again until early next year. I have a lot going on at the moment, so along with not having much time, I just don't feel up to posting. Sorry!

The other day as I was on my way to lunch with a very dear friend of mine and her husband, my aunt called me with some very exciting news.
"You're going to have a new cousin next year!" She exclaimed over the phone.
"Oh my gosh, you're PREGNANT?!"
"Nope."
"Wait. Who's pregnant?"
"Nobody is pregnant."
"...Oh my gosh. You're adopting?"
"Yep!"

I was (and am) very excited for her and her entire family. They will be adopting a 3 year old boy from Uganda next year, and they've decided to name him Matthew (their other three kids all have M names as well). My aunt knows nothing about Robbie or my involvement with adoption, though I have been seriously considering sharing it with her now that I know they are adopting. I figure she might grow suspicious when I start sending her a bunch of blogs, articles, and different resources on trans-racial adoptions. Anyway, today she announced it to everyone else over Facebook. Of course, they have received positive feedback from everyone, including this comment

Sherri "Wow thats great. He will be so happy with ya'll. Thats great that you are being such a blessing to this young man:)"

Now, those of you that know me know that it just burns me up when people assume that adoptive parents are saints and saviors to the children they adopt. I just can't stand it. This isn't to say that I don't think adoptive parents can be great people, I just hate the whole savior mentality that some people get. So of course, I had to leave my own comment.

"

I'm so happy for you all! Matthew will be such a blessing to YOU and the whole family.
Hopefully everyone will remember that HE is the blessing, not the other way around. We don't need anyone to adopt the "savior" mentality, lol! I can't wait to visit you all and meet him!"

Do you all think my comment was too bitchy or snarky? I really tried to make it as light hearted as possible and still get my message across. I don't want to offend anyone, but in my opinion, Sherri's comment was a bit offensive, as well as ignorant. Hopefully my aunt wont be offended, though I am sure she will agree with me. And hopefully she will be receptive to receiving different resources on trans-racial adoptions. Speaking of... If you all know of any great blogs, books, articles, websites, etc.that deal with trans-racial adoption, please send them my way! Thanks!

Cherry on Top Award

2010-11-14T00:09:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite bloggers, LeMira, has awarded me with the Cherry on Top Award. LeMira is a beautiful person, inside and out, and it shows in every one of her posts (by the way, she has TWO blogs that she writes, you can check out the other one here). Whether she is writing about her family, life issues, or her journey to adopt, I always find myself checking in to read the next chapter of her story. I am so honored that she thought to include me on her list of recipients!

And now, the five bloggers I've chosen to pass along the award to are.....

Becoming Stefanie Despain - One amazing birth mom!
Carrying A Cat By The Tail - A semi new birth mom/blogger, who's ~~dedication to posting frequently always reminds me that I'm a serious slacker~~ blog posts are always sincere and thought provoking.
Matters Of The Heart - Hopeful adoptive parent, who has dedicated her blog to birth parent support, birth parent stories, and open adoption awareness.
Heart Cries - Adoptive mama in an open adoption. Her love and commitment for her son and his birth mother are inspiring and heart warming.
Our Life, Our Journey - One of my favorite adoptive mamas! She is truly dedicated to open adoption and adoption reform.

For the "Cherry On Top" Award:
1. Link to the person who gave it to you!
2. Pass it on to 5 more people!
3. Leave a comment on their blog telling them about it!

Adopted: for the life of me

2010-11-13T09:32:00.003-05:00

I stumbled upon this in one of my birth mom groups on CafeMom. It's a film made by Jean Strauss, showing how secrets in adoption have lifelong effects on adoptees. It is airing on PBS this month. Unfortunately I missed the days for my area, but hopefully you won't be too late. To find out when it will be aired in your area, go HERE.

Fiercely Loyal, Truly Blessed

2010-10-28T11:29:00.000-04:00

Anybody who knows me knows I am fiercely loyal to the people I love and care about. I will defend friends and family faster then I would myself. From verbally defending them in an argument, to physically defending them in a full out fight-You wanna mess with them? You’ve gotta go through me first (I might look small, but I am feisty!).

Early this morning, I had a weird dream. It involved having to build a really complicated cake, my job (which has nothing to do with cakes), my little sister, and M. In this dream, my little sister kept smarting off to M, and this REALLY ticked me off. Then, for whatever reason, she told M to “go to hell”. So, I beat her up (in the dream, of course!).

As I lay in bed at 4:30 this morning, going over what had happened in my dream, I realized that could actually happen. If some one I know were to ever disrespect M like that, I would go crazy on them. I realized that while I’m fiercely loyal to all the people I love, I’m 10 xs more loyal and protective of M then everyone else (save for Robbie, but do I really need to say that?). I sat there for a few minutes trying to figure out why that was. Then it came to me. My protectiveness over her is like that of a mama bear over her cubs. She’s not my cub, BUT, she has my cub. She is my baby’s mother. If something happens to her, then my son looses his mother. And while I know it’s not in my control, I have this overwhelming feeling that I can’t let anything happen to her. I will do just about anything to protect her.

The amount of love and respect I have for M is immense. She is honest, keeps her promises, is consistent, and is an excellent mother. I am truly blessed to have her as my “baby mama”

Suck it up

2010-10-24T15:55:00.001-04:00

You want to know something I don’t understand? Something I CAN’T understand? Birth parents that choose not to see their children, even though the adoptive family would LOVE for them to come and visit.

Let me back up a little.

Today, I was supposed to go hang out with M, S, J, and Robbie. We were all going to go to a corn maze and carve pumpkins and such. All four birth parents had been invited. I knew neither birth father would be able to attend, as they are both currently living out of state. However, MK (J’s birth mom) and I had both agreed to come. I was pretty excited! I mean, I was going to spend the day doing AWESOME stuff with the most AWESOME kid EVER! Who wouldn’t be excited? Also, it was going to be my first time meeting MK, so I was looking forward to that as well.

Anyway, I got a call from M this morning. Turns out, Robbie is sick, and therefore won’t be able to go out anywhere. They offered to still let me come up and hang out with him at the house, but I knew with him not feeling well, he wouldn’t want anyone to hold him but M or S, and that would just suck. So I opted to reschedule for later this week, and then went out for Starbucks and chocolate ice cream to help me not feel so sad (lol).

A few hours later, M calls me again. Apparently, MK never showed up.

Now, I know adoption is difficult. I know people handle difficult things in different ways. I know for some birth parents, seeing their child is just “too hard” for them.

You know what I say to that?

SUCK. IT. UP.

That’s right buddy. Suck that shiz up, stop being a whiney pansy, and go see your child. This isn’t about you. This is about THEM. I don’t care how hard it is. And trust me, I know it’s hard. I know it sucks to be there with your child screaming his head off and you can’t comfort him because you aren’t his mommy. But you know what? No matter how hard it is, I will ALWAYS be a part of Robbie’s life. It’s the LEAST I can do. I could NEVER imagine intentionally disappointing him by not showing up for a visit. I hope and pray that I never disappoint him.

There are so many amazing birth parents out there that can’t see their child due to closed adoptions and insecure adoptive parents. Not seeing your birth child when you are offered the opportunity is like spitting in the faces of those who can not see their child. Not to mention what you are doing to your birth child. You know how they say adoptees deal with feelings of rejection, feelings of worthlessness and not being wanted? By choosing to not have a relationship with them, you are just reinforcing those feelings. Not to mention you are reinforcing the stereotypes we all have to deal with.

I really do try not to judge people, but this is something I just can not accept. If this offends you, then I guess you can go read some one else’s blog. I promise it won’t hurt my feelings.

Finally!

2010-10-21T22:52:00.000-04:00

I finally finished my adoption story and sent it off to Karine. You can read it here.

Still alive....

2010-09-28T18:01:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted in forever- and I apologize. This past month has been crazy busy! I feel especially bad because I accepted Karine's offer to share my story on her blog, "Matters of the Heart" and I have YET to finish and send her my story. I got about half way through before hitting a severe writers block. I just cant figure out how I want to end it. I mean, how do you write the ending of a story that is just beginning? I have yet to figure that out. However, I promise I will try to overcome this block and finish the story SOON! Also, I have been given permission by M to let Karine post pictures of Robbie and everyone with this story. Real pictures, that show his adorable little face. I'm pretty sure this will be one of the few (if not only) times I actually do this, so be sure to check out the post (I'll let you all know when it has been posted) whenever I am done writing it and send it to Karine!

Still A Mom

2010-08-20T09:05:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, my family watched my 2 ½ month old niece so my brother and his wife could have some time off. Shortly after they dropped her off, my grandmother and I got into a dispute over something related to the baby. I knew I was right, but just to appease my grandmother I called my brother and asked.

He said this, “Don’t listen to her, you’re a mom. You know what you’re doing.”

You know what? He’s right. I may not be a mom in the usual sense, but I still have my mommy skills. That comment made my day J

Rainbows and Bubbles

2010-08-19T12:09:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I saw a comment on Lindseys fb status, asking for birthmother stories that weren’t necessarily positive. Some one asked if she wanted to read birthmother blogs who were very anti-adoption, to which she said, “I don't need or want to read anti-adoption stuff. I guess I just mean those women who relinquished and now realize they didn't *need* to. Not just a bad experience with an agency or something. Does that make sense? Just something that doesn't end in bubbles and rainbows I guess. LOL”

I totally know what she means. Every time I read one of the featured birthmother stories on different blogs like The R House, Birthmothers for Adoption, etc, no matter what the person’s story is, the ending always seems to be so bubbly and happy and perfect. Now, I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but it does get annoying in a way because you already know how the story is going to end lol.

Anyway, it got me thinking about the past 14 (almost 15!) months. There was a time where I HATED adoption and anything related to it. I hated everyone around me, most of all though, I hated myself. I hated that I had chosen adoption, that I hadn’t “tried harder” to parent my son, that I could never go back and undo it. I prayed for something to happen, anything, that would cause the adoption to be invalid and allow me to get him back. I kept thinking, “I didn’t have to choose adoption. I could have chosen parenting; I could have found a way to raise him. I didn’t have to choose a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”

But the reality is that there really wasn’t a way for me to parent, if there was, I would have done it. I really did try everything. There was no choice but adoption. It took me a long time to accept that. It was hard to accept that there was nothing I could have done differently, that I made the only choice I could, and there was no one to blame for it but myself. Once I realized and accepted this, it was a lot easier to start working through my grief over the adoption.

Because of that (and strengthening my relationship with God), I feel at peace with the situation. I can say now that I am happy with the way the situation is turning out. I know I made the best decision I could. I don’t regret placing him for adoption, as I know it was the only possible choice, I just regret the decisions I made that led to me having to place him. I regret that the adoption even had to happen.

I will never portray my situation as “bubbles and rainbows”, because it’s not, but I will say that I am at peace with things. I believe the women who have had their stories featured on The R House and BMFA feel the same way. They don’t have perfect lives and perfect situations; they have just made peace with themselves and God, and have chosen to look at things in a positive way. This doesn’t mean things aren’t hard for them at times, or that they don’t ever struggle with anything. This just means they have chosen to be happy. Happiness, like love, isn’t just a feeling. It’s a choice.

I’ve chosen to be happy, how about you?

I Am NOT Intolerant

2010-08-08T11:05:00.001-04:00

*Warning! This is NOT a PG rated post! Proceed at your own risk!*

And I never have been intolerant. Let me start off by saying I am NOT looking to debate with ANYONE here about this issue. If you comment on this blog looking for a fight, you will be ignored because I’m just tired of it.

The other day, a judge over turned California’s Prop 8, deeming it unconstitutional to ban gay marriage. This sparked debates all over the country.

I am a Christian, so I am against gay marriage. This does not mean I am against gays or hate them or think they should all burn in hell. Absolutely not. I live in Atlanta, which is (surprisingly) a VERY gay-friendly city, especially midtown (one of my favorite parts of Atlanta!!). So needless to say, I definitely have homosexual friends. Hell, I even have a bi-sexual family member (though because not many people know, I will keep our exact relation private). Homosexuals do not bother me. Why would they? Sure, I believe homosexuality is a sin, but so is lying, cheating, stealing, and pre-marital sex, and I’ve certainly done all of those! So what I am saying is this, while I don’t agree with it, I don’t judge someone for it (because who am I to judge?). I don’t think homosexuality is worse than another sin (they are all the same in God’s eyes, with the exception of blasphemy).

But while I have no problem with homosexuals, I do not agree with gay marriage. Why? Because I believe marriage is a holy union that was created by God for one man and one woman. It was created not only for love and companionship, but also for procreation. Homosexuals can not procreate without the help of the other sex. I believe that if God had intended for us to be with members of the same sex, our bodies would fit together like a puzzle piece, as they do when a man and a woman have intercourse. They fit together, facing each other, and the union is pleasurable for both at the same time. This is not the case with homosexual intercourse. Male on male sex requires one to face the others back, therefore they can not look into each others eyes or hold each other. Also, the union can often only be pleasurable for one person. Woman on woman sex requires the use of hands or sex toys. And honestly, if you are going to use a dildo, why not just have sex with a guy? Again, this union is often pleasurable for only one person at a time.

For all of these reasons (and also because God spells out his distaste for it in the Bible), I am against gay marriage. If homosexuals want to be with each other, than that is fine. God gave us free will, so we can do what we please (though we will all one day have to face the consequences of all of our actions). But in my opinion, marriage should not be messed with.

I have been verbally attacked because of my views and beliefs. I have been called stupid, hateful, intolerant, and discriminatory, even though in every single debate I participated in I was respectful, calm, polite, and insistent that God loves everyone no matter what. Yet because my view was different than theirs on the issue, I was all of those things. Funny, isn’t it? They called me all of those things, when really, it was they who were being hateful and intolerant. Unfortunately, I find this is often the case with these kinds of topics. The person cries about how hateful and intolerant a certain party is, yet they tear into someone, going as far as personally attacking them, if they do not share the same belief on the matter.

I will end this post with a Facebook status I had the other day.

“I will always stand up for what I believe in, no matter what. Call me what you wish. I know what I am, and I know what I believe. Do you?”

Supra Ventricular Tachycardia

2010-07-08T23:30:00.000-04:00

Try saying that five times fast.

I mentioned in the post I wrote about the day Robbie was born, that I have a heart condition (which is why we did a c-section). Well, I actually have two heart conditions. The first I was born with, and it’s called Supra Ventricular Tachycardia. We’ll just call it SVT. It’s an arrhythmia, and it causes my heart rate to become elevated when I get scared, have too much caffeine, too much excitement, or for just no reason at all. I had a radio frequency ablation for it when I was about seven. Basically, they stick some wires in your legs and they use those wires to go up to your heart and they shock it a few times. It’s kinda cool because they control the wires like a remote controlled car. Any way, they told us it would solve the problem for now but I would more than likely have to have it done again once I was an adult. So a couple years ago when my heart started acting up again, I figured “Hey no problem! I’ll just get the surgery again and go on to live a happy, care free life!” right? Wrong. I went to a cardiologist last year while I was pregnant with Robbie just to check over things, make sure everything was OK, and see if I could handle labor. They put me on yet another heart monitor (those darn sticky pads always eat my skin up, even the “hypoallergenic” ones), and after a few weeks it was decided that it wasn’t my SVT that was acting up. I had developed Sinus Tachycardia. It’s basically the same thing as SVT, except it’s more activity induced IE; walking up stairs or a hill, running, lifting heavy things, and so on. They sent me to a specialist on ST, who told me that I could either continue working out to try and build a resistance to it, or I could take a lot of drugs that might help it. Basically, this wasn’t something that could be “fixed”. There was no surgery for this. I opted to try and build a resistance to it. For the last year I’ve tried to remain as active as possible. I always take the stairs, I even run up them most days even though I feel like I’m going to die doing it. I walk, I run around with my dog, etc. Nothing has changed. It’s just gotten worse. I'm worried. Some days, I feel like my heart is just giving up. Like it’s struggling to beat. It really makes me worry. What if it shortens my life? What if I’m not here to answer Robbie’s questions when he is older? What if my heart makes it impossible to have another child? It’s part of why I keep a journal, and this blog. If something happens to me, I want him to be able read my/our story, in my words. Even still, I feel like it’s not enough.

Eh, perhaps I’ll try the meds :-/

Open Adoption Roundtable #17

2010-07-08T22:51:00.000-04:00

Open Adoption Roundtable #17

Are there any things that you don’t want the other members of your triad to know—or that you don’t want to know about them? I’ve heard first mothers talk about not sharing their birth stories with adoptive parents because those are for the adoptees and for themselves only. I've also heard of adoptees concealing their reunions from adoptive parents so as not to cause them pain. What don’t you want shared in your adoptive relationships?

Honestly, I can’t say that there is too much I don’t want M (or S, I suppose) to know. I have told her about my blog, and she even knows the name of it. However, I have not yet given her the address to it. That being said, I just sent a Facebook message to several people inviting them to join the adoption awareness group, M being one of those people. So if she really wanted to she could find my blog by seeing my name, Not Just A Birth Mom, on the member list and clicking the link to my site from there. So who knows, maybe she will be reading this by the end of tonight! And though I may not be completely ready for her to read it, I am ok with it if she does.

Now if S were to read this blog? I don’t know how I feel about that. Why the difference? I’m not sure. I don’t have much of a relationship with S, neither does R for that matter. He was present for the first few visits we had with them, but after Halloween he was no longer present for any of them (save for the one in early April when we all sat down together to re-evaluate our adoption agreement, and again at Robbie’s birthday party). Now, he does work odd hours, and is on call quite often. So I know it is not really his fault if he is not there. However, there are times where R and I will wonder just how comfortable with the situation he is. There have been quite a few times both of us have gotten the vibe that he really didn’t want to be there, and didn’t want to have much of anything to do with us. At first I worried a lot about how this might affect his parenting of Robbie (and J as well, for that matter). I worried that maybe he was resentful of having to adopt, having us around, and maybe that resentment would lead to him not having a good relationship with them. Luckily though, I have seen personally that he has a great relationship with them (they adore him), and it’s obvious how much he loves them.
So I suppose what I’m saying is I am not comfortable asking what his opinion about us and the whole situation is (because honestly, I’m scared of the answer).
Also, to be fair, S does not have the same out going personality as M and is much more withdrawn (Though he was very friendly at Robbie’s party, so maybe that’s a good sign!). So perhaps that also has something to do with it, and perhaps R and I are exaggerating things and reading too much into the little things. It’s hard to not be super sensitive to these things as a birth parent.

Other than that, I don’t try to hide anything from them. There are times I may hold my tongue when I disagree with one of their parenting choices, but that’s because I trust M and S and I know that they ARE the parents and it’s their decision to do whatever they decide to do. Also, I don’t talk to M in detail about any breakdown I might have. She knows about my depression diagnosis, and she knows I have had a few very hard times. I do not feel like I should burden her with these things though. I don’t want to cause her any guilt or discomfort. However, M can ask me whatever she wants, and I will always answer her to the best of my ability. I feel like without complete honesty, we can’t build a lasting relationship. So I promise to always be honest with her, and I hope she will always be honest with me, which I am confident she will be.

Adoption Awareness

2010-07-08T21:01:00.000-04:00

Lets make others aware of adoption throughout the whole year, and not just in November! People need to know that adoption isn't all rainbows and butterflies, that birth parents aren't horrible people, and that adoptees have RIGHTS! If you care at all about adoption reform, then join this group and tell your friends about it (you do not have to be a blogger to join). You never know what you might be able to contribute.
http://www.bloggersunite.org/event/adoption-awareness

Thanks Kelsey, for creating this group! And thanks Karine for helping spread the word! It's something I should have done sooner.

Built Ford Tough

2010-07-06T18:05:00.000-04:00

So the other day, I picked up one of my best friends Brittany (we have been bff’s for almost nine years now!) so she could spend the night with me and go to an awesome sale in the morning.
Well, if you’ve ever been to Atlanta, you know traffic is horrible and the drivers are crazy. You know that I-285, I-75, and I-85 are all going to be backed up like crazy during rush hour. Unfortunately, we had no choice but to choose one of these interstates to get home.
We chose I-285 and drudged through the traffic. It was typical stop and go traffic, when some one ahead of us slammed on their brakes causing a domino affect of brake-slamming. I came to a complete stop with no problem, plenty of room between my car and the car ahead of us. We then looked in the rear view mirror to see a pick up truck coming right for us. I could tell by his face he was trying to stop, and for a second I thought, “Maybe he will just come close to hitting us, but won’t actually do it” and then I felt the big thud of his car slamming into mine. I put on my hazards, and got out to inspect the damage (we were in the far left lane). I told Brittany to stay seated with her seat belt on and DO NOT GET OUT! Once I got out, I saw that this wasn’t just a two car accident; it was a FOUR car accident!
I made sure everyone was OK (I’m first aid certified, so yeah..), which they were. Then I noticed that the trucks bumper was pretty bent up.

“Oh gosh, if that’s what his bumper looks like, what does mine look like?!” I thought. Well, it looks like this.

One little scratch. My little Ford sedan was smashed by a GMC pick up truck, and all it got was a scratch. Well, that’s what I call “Built Ford Tough”! Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for the other vehicles…

The Lexus was completely totaled. They had to tow his car away, bless his heart.

The Chevy was pretty scratched up on both ends, but was definitely drivable.
The GMC Sierra had both of his bumpers messed up, but was also drivable. My car didn’t even look like it had been in an accident lol.

The last two cars were cited for following too closely, the truck guy and I didn’t get anything.

Brittany and I were on cloud 9! We just couldn’t believe we had been in an accident and 1. Everyone was ok, 2. Our car has basically no damage, and 3. We weren’t at fault for anything! It could have been so much worse. People could have been hurt, all the cars could have been totaled, we could have been at fault, etc. I can really say God was watching out for us!
I feel sorry for the lady driving the Chevy though. She got cited for two accidents (her and the lexus, and then her, the truck, and myself). I really feel the lexus was the main cause of the accident. We only felt one hit against our car. So I believe the Lexus hit the Chevy and because he was obviously going so fast (look at that damage!) he slammed her into the truck who got pushed into us. I believe I was the only person at a complete stop, and everyone (but the Lexus) was in the process of slowing down. It also explains why my car has no damage and why we didn’t feel the impact of the other cars hitting us.

Anyway, after we were given our case numbers and such, Brittany and I met up with my mom’s boyfriend at the mall to eat (and because he wanted to make sure everything was OK). I hadn’t felt any pain, but once we were ordering our food I realized my back hurt a bit and my hip was killing me! The whole hip thing really made me laugh. I mean how the heck did my hip get hurt?! Well I guess my little sis is right, I’m an “old kid” lol.

The next morning we got up early and headed to Plato’s Closet for their bag sale. Basically, you get one of their shopping bags and you stuff as many clothes in it as you can and it’s only $20 bucks a bag. Needless to say, the place was packed! We made out like bandits though; with almost $300 worth of stuff for only $40 (we got two bags). M told me I was officially the “Deal Queen”. I got about 19 pairs of jeans (being an Army brat really comes in handy when you have to roll clothes up very tightly), maybe 9 for my self, and then a few for my mother and my sister. I also got this fantastic dress! It’s pretty much the perfect little black dress, and I can’t wait to wear it!

After stashing our goods at the house, we headed down town for the Peachtree Road Race expo (I’m a non-runner in a family of runners). We loaded up on free samples of juice, cereal, pens, granola bars, chocolate, tons of awesome coupons, etc. As my friend Lovell always says, it must be the Jewish part of me that loves free stuff!

Over all we had a great time :) I love my friends. And I LOVE my Ford!

My Baby Mama

2010-06-27T11:42:00.000-04:00

Last week, I bought the boys this AWESOME sprinkler set. It has three parts; a turtle wade pool, an elephant that shoots water out of its nose, and a giraffe that has an arch of water you can run under. It was half off at Walmart, and I just knew they would love it! Especially Robbie, as his favorite thing to do is swim/play in water. I text M about it as soon as I bought it, and decided we would get together in August and I would give it to them then (July is just way too busy for all of us, and I’m not paying to ship that heavy thing!).

Well on Thursday I went to a friend’s softball game, and I realized the park was maybe ten or fifteen minutes from M and S’s house (We live almost an hour apart, so this is a big deal). I was going to be up there again the next night, so I made plans with M to meet for coffee or something so I could give her the set and we could catch up (cause you know, every mom needs a night off!). It was after bedtime, so the boys didn’t join us.

We had a great time, of course! As always, we talked about everything under the sun (Robbie can walk up AND down the stairs all by himself now!). As we were talking, the topic of how the boy’s names were chosen came up. Now, you all already know from a former post how I originally felt about his “real” name (which I will not ever post here, sorry.). If you haven’t read the post yet, I hated it! I couldn’t believe they had chosen that name. It just didn’t fit him. It was like trying to wear a shoe that was six sizes too big. It just wasn’t “him”.

Well, M told me last night that maybe three weeks after they announced his name, S said to her, “You know, I don’t think I like the name *****.” And three months after he was named she looked at him and said, “You really don’t look like a *****.” But this was the name that had been chosen and announced to the world, so it was a little late to go back and change things! When she told me this I just died laughing. I told her again how I had absolutely hated his name and it really took a lot of effort for me to become accustomed to it (it also helped that he shares the name with my late grandfather, and he looks just like him!).

I guess the whole point of this post, is that I can honestly call M a friend. She isn’t just my “baby’s mama” that I talk to only for information on my son. I don’t meet up with her only to see my son. I actually have a relationship with her, and I can call her up to talk to her about boys or my crazy family, or to talk about some awesome sale I found. Though our relationship was started by adoption, it’s not only about adoption. She is some one I would actually be friends with even if she wasn’t the mother to my son. Back when I first met them last May, I imagined what our relationship would one day look like. I hoped that we would be close friends, who could get together randomly for lunch or coffee, go on vacations together, and so on. And you know what? I honestly believe that is exactly where our relationship is going.

I am truly blessed. And baby mama, if you read this, I love you!

Abortion

2010-06-20T11:49:00.000-04:00

Abortion is a pretty controversial topic. I don't want to get anyone riled up, and I don't need anyone throwing bible verses at me. Trust me, I know the bible. I believe the bible. I just want to express how placing my son for adoption has changed my views on abortion. After all, this is MY blog. The whole point of this thing is to write down my story, and this is part of it.

Before placing Robbie, I was pro-life. I wasn't totally pro-life though, meaning that I felt termination was acceptable in certain situations. Such as;
-Saving the mothers life
-Rape
-Incest
-Etc.

Now that I have placed Robbie for adoption, things have changed. I'm not going to say I'm completely pro-choice, but I'm not completely pro-life. I'm not going to march in pro-choice rallies or convince people it's better to kill their unborn babies. Nor am I going to march in pro-life rallies and condemn the women who choose abortion ("Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the same measure you use, it will be measured back to you" Matthew chapter 7, verse 1-2. Now THERE'S a bible verse for ya).

All I'm saying is that if some one were to choose abortion over adoption, I would completely understand. I would not judge them. I would not try to sway them one way or the other. I would share my experience with them, and share with them facts about adoption and abortion (this is assuming parenting is not an option). If they were to end up choosing abortion, then that is their decision. I would support them no matter what they decided.

Having talked with several birth moms who have both placed and terminated, I can say that I honestly believe abortion is the easier decision. In no way am I saying it is the "right" decision (though it may be for them), but is by far the less painful option. Now, I know that having an abortion has it's risks, one of them being life long depression and guilt. I used to volunteer at a pregnancy resource center, and we had countless women who were struggling with depression and guilt for abortions they'd had in the past. Some of them were struggling with it still thirty years later. However, this is not the case for every person who has an abortion.

After speaking with several birth moms who have chosen both adoption and abortion, every single one has agreed wholeheartedly that abortion was/is easier than placing a child for adoption. This isn't to say they wish they had aborted their placed children instead of carrying to term and relinquishing them, of course not. They all love their birth children very much, and are happy they chose life for them. They just know they wouldn't have as much pain if they had chosen abortion.

Abortion is something you can gain closure from. It's something you can move on from, and leave in your past. Adoption is completely different. While you can gain a certain amount of closure with adoption, it is never something you can completely heal from. There are so many things that rip open that wound; birthdays, holidays, hearing your child call some one else "mommy", etc. You can't move on from adoption. You can move forward, but you cant move past it. Adoption will always affect your life in multiple ways. It's not something you can "forget" about, contrary to popular belief.

Pro-lifers get so caught up in fighting against abortion, that they don't really help to provide a better alternative. Sure, they say, "You can parent, or choose adoption!" but that's all. They don't try to make it easier for single parents. In fact, a lot of times they make it harder. A lot of pro-lifers are against people being on welfare. Well, how the heck do you expect a young, single mother with little education, to parent a child successfully with no money or government assistance? Sure, they say "Get a job!" but most mothers DO get a job. In fact, they get MULTIPLE jobs. Sometimes though, it's still not enough.

As for adoption, they think it's a wonderful decision. They praise the mother to be for choosing adoption. "Oh, what a selfless decision! This really is what's best for the baby!" but as soon as the papers are signed and the baby is taken from her, they forget all about her and focus completely on the adoptive parents. "How selfless of you to adopt this child! Think of what a horrible life this child would have had if you hadn't of swooped in and saved them!" Cause you know, adoptive parents are just the saviors of the freaking world, and birth mothers are drug addicted whores who don't care about their children and should have never opened their legs in the first place.

And then they wonder why women don't want to choose adoption. Perhaps if they fought as hard for adoption reform as they do against abortion, more women would choose adoption over abortion. Perhaps if they fought for better support for single parents like they have in Australia, more women would choose single parenting over abortion.

Maybe people should stop throwing stones and casting judgment, and start working on making the alternatives better.

Work in progress...

2010-06-11T13:22:00.002-04:00

Blogger has made some changes that are affecting the appearance of my blog. So I've decided to redo the whole thing. Please bear with me while I slowly make these changes. I promise, it won't be tacky like this for long!

As Nike Says, Just Do It!

2010-06-09T22:26:00.000-04:00

I mentioned previously that M and S have not told the boys about their being adopted. Yet. I absolutely and completely disagree with this. When we had our first meeting, R and I were told the boys would “grow up” knowing they were adopted. Silly us, we assumed that meant they would ALWAYS know. Apparently it means they will grow up a little, be told, and then continue growing up knowing. It is probably my only point of contention with M. I have some how, by the grace of God, been able to hold my tongue about this (for the most part. She does know that I do not agree with this). I say “by the grace of God” because I have a hard time not telling people how I feel about something. I am pretty opinionated, and I am not afraid to share my view/feelings/thoughts/opinions on things, especially things that really matter to me.

Someone once wrote, “A child should never feel like they are hearing about their life for the first time.”

Need I say anything else? I should think not, but I will anyway.

I first found out the boys wouldn’t know about their adoption any time soon way back in October (6 months after I placed Robbie), after Robbie’s first (and so far only) visit with his biological half sister Z. Unfortunately, M spoke with their pediatrician back when they were first adopting J, and she told them that “Children are not really emotionally ready to learn about their adoption experience until the age of five.”
The age of FIVE. Basically, she was telling me my son would have no idea who I was for 4 ½ more years. Now let’s think about this. First of all, is this woman a child psychologist? No. She is a freaking pediatrician. Does this woman have any experience with adoption? No again. Has she been trained in adoption, and it’s affects on adoptees? One more time, NO. So don’t you think that maybe she should keep her ideas of what children are emotionally ready for to her self, and stick with telling parents how tall their kids are going to be? Yes, I believe so. I mean, would you ask a plastic surgeon his advice on how to properly perform a kidney transplant? I sure as heck hope not!

I want so badly to send this woman a ton of books on open adoption, adoptees, etc. How ever, this could be seen as stalker-ish, so I will try to refrain from doing so. Honestly though, you would think that as a professional who now has at least two adoptees on her list of patients, she would do some research! It’s kind of her job, in my opinion. With out research, how can she offer them the best care?

Enough about the pediatrician though. Everyone knows the main issue is how this will impact the boys. Did any of you grow up believing in Santa Claus? Do you remember the crushing, devastating feeling when you found out Santa wasn’t real? That he was all made up? I bet you felt lied to, maybe a little betrayed, and definitely sad. Perhaps it planted a seed of distrust against your parents. I mean, they had lied about Santa Claus, what else could they be lying about? Now take all of those feelings, and magnify them by about 1000000. That’s how you would feel finding out about your life for the first time. “What? You aren’t my mommy? I didn’t grow in your tummy? I have a sister? So you mean, those people who randomly visit me and tell me they love me are my biological parents? I have a whole other family?”
Finding all this out for the first time will be confusing, devastating, and just plain HARD. I mean, could you imagine growing up thinking the sky was orange, and then one day you find out that it’s really blue? You would probably start to question other things in life. What else isn’t true? What else am I being lied to about? You may stop trusting the things people tell you. You may become resentful. Something like this could change you for life, and not in a good way.

How ever, let’s say you grew up like I did. You always knew Santa wasn’t real. He was just something that added to the fun of Christmas. You took pictures with him at the mall, you baked cookies for him on Christmas Eve, knowing it was really your dad who was going to eat them. You always knew that the sky was blue, the grass was green, and the Florida Gators were the best SEC football team (haha! Just had to throw that in there). These things were normal for you. They were part of every day life, they were common knowledge. It was no big deal! It was all a normal part of your life.

If a child grows up knowing something, that is their normal. They will be able to handle it. We need to realize that these kids are a lot smarter than we think, and they are capable of a LOT. We need to give them more credit. Hiding something, anything, from someone is NEVER a good idea. It doesn’t matter who or what it is. The truth will come out. It always does.

So if you are an adoptive parent and you haven’t told your child they are adopted yet, tell them. There is no right moment to do it. Don’t waste time waiting for that “right moment”, because it will never come. There is never a right moment to tell some one about their life for the first time. The only right time, is the day they come into your home.

So as Nike says, just do it!

Alone, with a lot of hate.

2010-06-01T03:33:00.001-04:00

I hate how I always feel like I'm asking for too much from my sons adoptive parents.

I hate how I can't support R through his breakdown like he supported me through mine.

I hate how emotionally numb I am.

I hate how much I've pulled away from friends in the last year. So much so, that when I finally do want to hang out, no one is around because they've all moved on in their lives with new friends and the people who are still around do not live in a close proximity to my home.

I hate the lack of post placement support from my agency. I feel like I've been hung out to dry. Oh, we sold your baby! We don't need you anymore!

I hate how my mom doesn't understand, won't ever understand, and doesn't have any desire to understand. "why are you so upset?" why do you freaking think, mom? Cause it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm grieving my son, my baby boy.

I hate ignorant, self centered teenagers who get to raise their babies. You are yelling at your toddler that he is an idiot, in front of strangers. What the hell kind of parent are you? Oh right, a lousy one. I also hate the little girls who have babies only to have the girls mother or aunt or cousin raise them. They carry the kid around like lap dogs in a purse until the kid starts crying, and they promptly hand it over to their mother/aunt/cousin.

I hate how people assume I wouldn't make a good mother because I placed my son for adoption. I know for a fact I would have made a great mother.

I hate that I worry I won't ever have another child. I've already had one miscarriage, what if I only got lucky with Robbie? And I gave him away?

I hate dreaming that I'm holding my son close to my chest and telling him I love him, and having him hold me back, only to wake up in the middle of the night to realize it was only a dream. That my son isn't here, my arms only ache to hold him, and I am alone.

Birthday Weekend

2010-05-25T18:20:00.019-04:00

I know I promised to have this post up Monday, but I've been so tired and busy I haven't felt like writing anything!

Any way, this weekend was stressful, but good. We ended up having a decent time at Robbie’s birthday party Saturday, especially after most people had left. We ate pizza, cupcakes, cake, and ice cream.

The cake looked fantastic! Even though I’m not much of a cake eater, I did try some, and it was pretty darn good!

See? She has mad skills.

(BTW: Robbie is like me and does NOT like cake, and refused to dig into his like most 1 year olds enjoy doing. This is all the damage that he did)

J opened most of Robbie’s gifts for him, as he wasn’t too interested in doing it himself. He loved all of his toys, and at one point was sitting on the floor surrounded by his different gifts, trying to decide which one to play with. I think one of his favorite toys was this plastic golf club and golf ball set he got. R is actually a talented golfer, so he had a good time showing Robbie how to hold and swing the club.

M had J and Robbie open our gift last. We both knew that as soon as it was opened, all the other toys would be forgotten about. M pulled the ATV out of the box, and everyone ooohed and ahhhed. J immediately tried to get on it and take it for himself (Poor kid hasn’t adjusted well to not being the only child), but M made it clear that it was Robbie’s toy and he got to ride it first. We put him on it and watched him ride around the room. It was so very cute. He can’t quite make it work all on his own yet, but he is a very fast learner, so I’m sure he’ll have it down in no time! As soon as he got off, the other boys were fighting for a turn to ride it. Well, at least it will get a lot of use!

After most people had left, we went outside to play in the back yard. He loves being outside, running around, sliding down the slide, etc. I got some great pictures of him trying to climb up the slide. Their neighbor has a dog named Duke, and every time he barked, Robbie would smile and point to him and say, “Du!” It was cool to hear him say a new word! We also got to see him climb up the stairs, drink from a straw, dance, and throw a ball (with surprising accuracy! He does NOT get that from me haha).

Sunday morning was a bit crazy. I was all out of sorts! I couldn’t find my camera, and I searched all over only to find it in my purse. Then I couldn’t find my keys. I looked all over, only to find they were in my pocket the whole time (lol!). I had to send out my sister and my mom’s boyfriend to the store to get chocolate icing and hot dog buns last minute, and my brother and his wife ended up not being able to make it.

In the end though, everything worked out. I finished the cupcakes, and they ended up turning out pretty well!

(As my sister said, they were pretty ballin’! Yes, horrible pun, I know.)

After M and Robbie showed up, we headed to the park. We ate chili dogs, potato chips (BBQ of course, mine and Robbie’s favorite kind!), potato salad, juice and soda. We let Robbie play for a bit before opening presents and eating cupcakes.

He of course wanted nothing to do with the cupcake, but everyone else enjoyed them! Then we let him open up his presents. My mom got him this little set of a whole bunch of plush dinosaurs that come in this soft carrying case shaped like a rock. He pulled out all of the little dinosaurs and started kissing them! It was the most adorable thing ever.

After a while, it was time to say goodbye. We packed everything up and exchanged hugs and kisses. About six minutes after we parted, M texted me to tell me Robbie had already fallen asleep! We all took his lead and settled down for a nap. It had been a long, exhausting weekend. Fun, for the most part, but also physically and emotionally exhausting.

But hey, I made it through!

The loss is real

2010-05-25T08:53:00.005-04:00

So I’m almost a month late to the discussion, but lately everyone has been talking about what and when to tell adoptees. There have been several good posts, like this, this and this. It was all apparently started by this post. I read this post, and then I read some of the comments. A few of the commenter’s said things like this

“"I stand firm on the belief that if your child is crying at night for her birth family, you are doing something wrong."”

“I cringe a little bit when I read about preschoolers crying at night for a birth mother they only met briefly and couldn't possibly remember ……... It's just not talked about much because, well, there's nothing to talk about (because our kids aren't mourning).”

Because our kids aren’t mourning.

That line really struck a cord with me. I haven’t mentioned this yet, but M and S have not yet told the boys they are adopted. While they know their birth parents and know what adoption is and they talk about it, they do not yet know they are adopted (this is something I COMPLETELY disagree with, but I’ll save that for another post).

Robbie’s older brother, J, will be 4 very soon. The other year, his birth parents gave him a little ride on motorcycle for his birthday. He LOVES it. Well, M was talking to me a few months ago about how they saw a guy on a motorcycle while they were out running errands. So of course when they got home he wanted to ride his. As he was doing so, he began to cry. M asked him what was wrong and somehow ended up asking if he missed P and K (his birthparents).

"Yessssssss!" He wailed.

He was crying because he missed them. He misses them and feels a loss for them, even though he DOESN’T know he is adopted, and DOESN’T know he came from K’s tummy and DOESN’T know that P and K are his biological parents. All he knows is that they are two people who come around every now and then to visit and they love him very much.

This kid hasn’t had any “propaganda” about birth parents and loss “planted” into his head. And he STILL feels that LOSS. He is STILL MOURNING this loss.

Think about that folks.

Disclaimer: Yes, I know the original post was about international adoption more so than domestic. But I believe this just goes to show that there is a real loss that adoptees suffer. The loss isn’t a “created” loss that has to be planted into their heads. The loss is already there, and it’s real.

Bittersweet Memories

2010-05-20T12:56:00.000-04:00

May 20th. Has it really been a year since I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy in the world? Because I have a heart condition, my doctor and I decided it would be safer for me to have a c-section. So I scheduled for a c-section May 20th, at twelve thirty pm. We got to the hospital around eleven, and found out that I had actually been scheduled for 2:30. Fantastic, I thought. I already haven’t eaten in twelve hours, and this kid is hungry!! We killed time by playing cards until they called me in to do paper work and get prepped for the surgery. Because of my heart condition, they had to do extra things like an EKG (oh and they decided it would be a great time to train about five other people how to perform one! It took FOREVER). Luckily I was allowed to have visitors during all of this, so my family took turns coming back to see me, which really helped to pass the time.
Finally, around 4:00pm, they had R dress in scrubs, and they wheeled me back to the OR. They had R wait outside while they finished prepping me for surgery, which I found to be pretty pointless because they left the door open the entire time. I was given spinal anesthesia. This means they stuck a 5 inch needle into my spine. I am allergic to lidocain, so instead of using an alternative medicine, they decided to stick the 5 inch needle into my back with out any numbing medication. 5 inch needle. In my spine. No numbing medication. OUCH. I tried so hard not to cry, but I couldn’t help but let out a few pathetic sobs into my nurses shoulder as she held me during this.
After that, they allowed R to come back in and they got to work. I remember them having my arms strapped down, and feeling them work on me. I could feel him reach inside me, and I remember my body rocking from the force of him pulling out my son. It was then we heard his first cries. I will never forget the sound. He was so loud! And angry sounding! As if he was saying, “What the heck are you guys doing to me?! I was comfortable in there!”

Robbie Born May 20th, 2009 at 4:53PM 8 pounds, 2 ounces 20 1/2 inches long

They immediately started cleaning him and weighing him, etc. That’s when my anxiety set in. I kept thinking, where is my baby? Why can’t I see him? I need to see him! I need to see my baby!
The next thing I remember, I was waking up in a different room. I was so tired, thirsty, and sore. I didn’t know where I was, what had happened, or where my baby was. R was there as I woke up, and he began feeding me ice chips. He explained that I’d had a bad reaction to the anesthesia, and I had begun to “freak out”. Apparently, I had started screaming, “WHERE”S MY BABY! GIVE ME MY BABY!” I had broken loose from the arm restraints, and I was flailing around, trying to find my baby. The nurses brought him over to try and calm me down, “Look, here he is. Here! It’s ok!” But I still wasn’t ok. It took them several tries, but they finally sedated me. I have no memory of any of this.
They kept me in the recover room for quite a while. I wasn’t allowed to see Robbie while in there. R went back and forth between staying with me, and going to see Robbie. He was so sweet; he wouldn’t let anyone else hold him until I got a chance to. After what seemed like ages, they finally moved me into my room. It was almost 9 Pm when they finally brought in my son. It was my first time seeing him. They placed him in my arms,
and I remember him opening up his eyes and squinting up at me.

He was the most beautiful person I had ever seen, and my heart overflowed with love for him. There aren’t enough words in all of the languages of the world to convey my feelings of love for him.
I was and still am completely and utterly amazed by him. I am in awe of everything he does.

We were in the hospital from Wednesday to Saturday, and we spent every moment we could with him. Feeding him, changing his diapers, holding him, taking pictures, and just loving and getting to know him. We never sent him to the nursery. The only time he was away from us was when they took him to do things like get him circumcised.
We only had M and S there one time, for maybe an hour. They came Thursday evening and they gave me a necklace and R a watch. They each held Robbie, and S fed him. (I believe this is how it should always be done. This way, you have time with your baby without the potential adoptive parents hovering over you, influencing your decision to place.)
We signed the TPR papers on Friday. They had circumcised Robbie not long before, so he was in a lot of pain. He cried most of the time, which made it that much harder to go through with it.
Saturday came, and it was time to say goodbye. I spent the morning alone with him. I held him the entire time, and while I held his little body close to mine, I cried. I didn’t want to let him go. I was just getting to know him, and it was already time to give him to people I had only met twice. I carried him down to the nursery, even after a nurse told me that we weren’t allowed to carry the babies in the hall. I didn’t care. This was my baby, and I was going to hold him until the last possible second.

When I got to the nursery where my pregnancy counselor was waiting, I hugged him close, kissed him, and told him how much I loved him. Then I gently placed him in the bassinet, and walked away. He began crying loudly as I left, like he knew what was happening. It was as though he shared my pain. It took everything in me to keep walking, to not run back and hold him and sooth his cries.
I left the hospital a childless mother. It was cloudy and grey outside as we left. I felt so hollow, so empty. My first journal entry says this:

05/24/2009
Today is my first full day away from Robbie. I’m wondering if I’ve made the right decision. M and S are wonderful people, and they are everything we wanted in the adoptive parents, but I feel so unnatural without him….. My arms ache to hold him, my chest and stomach feel so empty…. I tear up every 5 minutes, he is all I can think about. Does he miss us like we miss him? Does he cry for us? Does he realize he isn’t with us?
I’m not sure if I can do this. I need him…

I still feel like this at times. I still have that hollow, empty feeling; my arms still ache to hold him close to me. I wish with every part of me that I could have kept him and raised him, but I know it wasn't possible. I know I made the best decision for him. He is happy, he is loved, and he has everything he could ever want.

Happy 1st birthday Robbie, I love you with all of my heart. I always have, and I always will.

Birthdays and Baby Showers

2010-05-19T14:44:00.006-04:00

Tomorrow is Robbie’s first birthday. Saturday was my sister in laws baby shower. Mothers day was almost two weeks ago. I should be going crazy with emotions right now…. I’m not. I’m as calm as can be. I can laugh at silly things, smile a REAL smile, and sincerely wish my brother and his darling wife congratulations and good luck.

Am I crazy? Well, maybe. I really can’t figure out why I am doing so well. This last year has been filled with so many different emotions. From May to September, I was in blissful denial. Once October hit, I was filled with anger and resentment. It was in January that I was slammed with depression. I’ve been struggling with depression since some time early last year, but this? This depression was so much heavier. It crushed me. My work performance suffered, my relationships and social life suffered, I didn’t feel like doing anything. Everything was hopeless. Every little task felt overwhelming. I cried all the time. I was diagnosed with major depression and slight post traumatic stress disorder.
So why am I so OK now? Perhaps this is all a fluke, and in a few weeks I’ll have a major emotional meltdown. For now though, I think I will take advantage of this emotional calm, and enjoy life for once.

Speaking of enjoying life, I attended my sister in law D’s baby shower Saturday, and I had a great time! I took tons of pictures (over a hundred!), oohed and ahhed over her fabulous gifts, participated in the games, and devoured the delicious food. There were a few times I felt a bit sad, but it never lasted long. Over all, I had a fantastic time.

M and I have been talking more lately. It’s pretty much back to how it used to be. There were a few months where our contact kind of dropped off a bit, but I am glad to see it getting back to normal (which is talking at least once a week). We talked again this morning, and discussed Robbie’s birthday and birthday party. I am so excited! She has decided to do a caterpillar cake, complete with pudding and crushed Oreos for dirt, and green iced cupcakes for grass. Let me tell you folks, when it comes to cooking/baking, this lady has skills. CRAZY skills. So I know for a fact this cake is not only going to look awesome, it’s going to taste awesome. I don’t even really like cake, but I know I’ll be eating this one!
I am just so tickled that he is going to have a caterpillar cake, because one of his gifts from me is a Very Hungry Caterpillar outfit I found maybe two months after he was born, and I’ve been saving it until he could fit it. One of the other presents R and I are giving him, is this awesome ATV 4 wheeler for kids.

It only goes 1 MPH, but I’m sure he is going to love it. I’m also sure that big brother J will try to take it for himself! Good thing he still fits the weight limit! I can’t wait to see them play with it.

On Sunday, M is bringing Robbie down to have a little party with my family and friends. This will be the first time most of them will meet him, so it’s pretty exciting! We are going to go to a local park, and have cupcakes and chips and such. I’m thinking I will make the cupcakes sports themed, since Robbie loves to play with any kind of ball. I’m planning to make soccer balls, basketballs, and baseballs. I’m sure it will be a lot of work, but it’s definitely going to be worth it!

I promise to have another post with pictures of it all by Monday night!

Another Childless Mothers Day

2010-05-10T12:46:00.001-04:00

Ever since about this time last year, I have been DREADING mothers day weekend. I thought it would be the worst weekend ever. I figured I would spend the whole weekend crying my eyes out. A few months ago, just the thought of mothers day made me cry and let out a string of not-so-christian words. It's been on my mind non stop for weeks. What's going to happen? How am I going to handle it? Will anyone say anything to me about it? Will they wish me a happy birth/mothers day? Or will everyone pretend I was never a mother?

Well, Mothers day weekend came and went, and I was actually very calm all weekend. No crying, no hysterics, no super pissy mood swings. I have no idea why I was so... relaxed. I wasn't exactly Mrs. Sunshine, there was a twinge of sadness here and there, but not much. Perhaps it's because Mothers Day has been hard for me for three years now, ever since I had my miscarriage in 2007. Maybe I am just getting used to it? I know Mothers Day of '08 was very hard for me. I cried and stayed to myself all weekend. Not only was it supposed to be my first Mothers Day, the miscarriage was still fresh in my mind, and everyone in my family pretended like it had never happened (they still do.) My grandmother went as far as to say, "Oh well, it's for the best." I promise you, if she had been anyone but my grandmother, I would have socked her in the face for that comment. I mean, how is it "for the best" when a child dies?

Months ago, probably in October, M and I had a conversation via email about what to expect from each other and for visits and holidays. I asked about the dreaded Mothers/Fathers Day, and she replied that they liked to keep those days for themselves. So I brought up birth Mothers/Fathers Day, which she had never even heard of. I told her it was one of the Saturdays before the Mothers/Fathers day holiday, and I would get back to her when I found out which one. Well, I never got back to her on that subject, so I figured she wouldn't remember it, or maybe just choose not to celebrate it at all. (I know that makes her sound really mean, but trust me, she isn't! It's just hard for me to not have a pessimistic view when it comes to Aparents. It's kinda like "if you expect the worst, you wont be let down" kinda thing. And it's not with just Aparents and adoption. I'm that way with almost everything.) Any way, I got all caught up thinking she wouldn't recognize me at all, and it made me really mad and I decided I wasn't going to do anything for her for Mothers Day unless she acknowledged me on Birth Mothers day (yeah, I know. Real mature, right? Trust me, it's hard for me to admit this to you all). Originally, I was going to do a whole little video/slide show for her of all of our visits from the past year, set to this awesome song I found called "From Gods arms, to my arms, to yours." It's set from a birth moms side and it's to the Adoptive mom. It's very sweet. Well, once I had it made up in my mind that she wasn't going to recognize me, I decided I wasn't going to do it. I mean, I didn't just trash the whole idea all together. I just figured that maybe I would do it for her birthday or something instead (and I probably will-I really like the idea).

Well Saturday I was cleaning up the house and my phone started ringing. It was M! I answered it right away,thinking maybe she was calling to finalize birthday plans for later this month. You want to know what I heard instead? "I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birth mothers day and let you know that you are appreciated....(and so on)" I couldn't believe it! One, I had temporarily forgotten it was birth mothers day, two, she had remembered! She even knew the right day and everything! We had a nice conversation, and she filled me in a little about what all has happened since our last talk (Unfortunately, both the boys seem to be coming down with something). The conversation left me feeling elated, and it coasted me through the rest of the day.

On Sunday I told my family I was working, even though I really wasn't. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle the whole Mothers Day thing, so I decided I would take some of the day to do whatever I wanted and use work as an excuse to not be with my family all day. That might sound horribly selfish, but what if I hadn't taken things so well? I wouldn't want to sit around with my family and let them watch me have an emotional break down. Especially because not all of them know about Robbie yet. So R and I went down to the Tanger outlets and did a little shopping, and then stopped by Taco Bell so I could get some of my beloved chicken chalupas. I spent the evening with my family, eating hot wings and Chinese (Yes, I know it's a random combination). Over all, it was a good weekend.

Of course, no one in my entire family wished me a happy Mothers Day or Birth Mothers Day. But that's where friends come in! I had four people wish me a happy Bmom day (M, and a few of my dear friends Heather, Jade, and Marilee), and five wished me a happy Mothers Day (my moms boyfriend, and then Heather, LauraAnn, Raymond, and R). Heather is an adoptive mom in an open adoption, and she sent me an email to wish me a happy birth mothers day. After doing so, she went on to explain that she and her husband don't celebrate their sons Bmom on Birth Mothers day, but instead they celebrate her on Mothers Day. I am going to copy down part of what she said, and I do hope she doesn't mind that I quoted her.

"After all, she is still his mother...just not his mom. Her love for him is no different than mine...no less than mine...and no less important than mine. So, for us, we celebrate her on Mother's Day as she deserves."

I couldn't have said it better myself. These are my exact feelings on how things should be. I honestly don't like Birth Mothers day. I feel as though it, in a way, cheapens things on our side. It makes us even less of a mother then we already are. It reinforces that feeling of being baby ovens and incubators. At least, it does with me. However, I realize that Birth Mothers day makes it possible for both mothers to be celebrated without any ones toes being stepped on, and no one has to share the spotlight. As I told Heather, I would rather be celebrated on Birth Mothers day then not at all :)

How do you feel about Mothers Day and Birth Mothers day? If you are a member of the adoption triad (or if you are a foster parent), how do you celebrate the weekend?

This is the song I plan to have as the background for the video/slide show. I wanted the video with Marie Osmond, but apparently it has been deleted so you will just have to settle for this. Enjoy :)

Worry (and other such things)

2010-04-23T21:32:00.003-04:00

I believe there can be a lot of worry in an open adoption, on all sides. I know personally, that I worry ALL the time. I worry about how Robbie is doing, what he is doing, if he is ok. How will he turn out when he grows up? Will he hate R and I for placing him for adoption? Will he want us around? Will he love us? I also worry about my relationship with his A-parents, M and S. Am I asking for too much? Do they like me? Do they really want us around? Or are they just doing it out of some feeling of obligation to Robbie? A lot of times, I worry about offending them in some way, maybe by saying the wrong thing, or accidentally crossing some sort of line. I have this deep, personal need of approval from M and S. I feel like they HAVE to like me, and everything about me. That maybe if they really like me, then they will let me be in Robbie’s life even more. I feel like I have to be the "perfect birth mother". (By the way, could some one please tell me what all that entails? Because I sure as heck don't know!)

But on our last visit (which was the first week of this month), I began to realize that there are worries on their side as well. Now, I already know that A-parents have their own set of worries; I suppose it just didn't really click with me personally until this last visit. During the visit, Robbie was getting very fussy as it was nap time, but he wanted to stay sitting up right instead of letting S rock him to sleep on his shoulder (Usually, they let us put him to sleep while we are there, but he was VERY fussy this time). So M took him and said something along the lines of, "you just have to hold him down while rocking him" Which she proceeded to do until he fell asleep. As we were talking later, She said something like, "I'm sorry, I know it must be hard to see things like that, and it might seem mean and..." so on and so on. It took me a minute, but I realized, she was apologizing for it! Yeah, she kinda held him down, but guess what? It worked. He was asleep in 5 minutes. So obviously, she knew what she was doing. In my eyes, there was nothing to apologize for. But a few days later, I had the thought that maybe (I don't know for sure), she has the need/desire for mine and R's approval of her parenting (Which I do approve of, for the most part). My first thought after that was, "Well GOOD. She damn well better feel the need for our approval!" and then it quickly went to, "Wow... I can't believe she might actually feel that way. That would make me feel... Good. Like I picked the right family. Like I mattered."

I would say I don't know why I thought the first thought so quickly, but that would be a lie. I know exactly why. It came straight from the angry, resentful, jealous beast inside of me that I often find hard to control. I love M, I really do. But I have to admit, there are quite a few days that I struggle with hating her. Hating that she has MY child. Hating that SHE gets to be called mama, that she gets to hold him when he cries, and be on the receiving end of his kisses. Hating that she gets to be happy.. And even with all of that, I still adore her. I love how she is out going, funny, loud, and not afraid to say what’s on her mind. She is the entire reason I fell in love with them. The final factor in my picking them as The Family. She reminded me of myself. Or at least, who I used to be before all of this. I can hardly even recognize myself now. I'm so... jaded. (Just ask R, he would completely agree with me on this... lol)

Any way, all of this makes me wonder... Does M ever struggle with anything? I can't even make a list of possible struggles because I really have no idea what an adoptive parent could struggle with (besides things like bonding, which she has had NO problem with- He is a TOTAL mama’s boy). I wonder how she felt those first few weeks he was home. I wonder if she ever felt like he wasn't hers, like he was a stranger. I would like to ask her, but I suppose I don't yet have the kahunas to do so. Maybe one day?

Speaking of M... She texted me the other day! Robbie likes oatmeal again! He had banned it for some time (not surprised, I hate the stuff), as well as anything he couldn't pick up and put in his mouth on his own (hmm I have NO idea where that stubborn streak comes from...). Bad thing is, he has now banned veggies. This makes me terribly sad. I love veggies :(

Now... Off to brainstorm on first birthday gifts!

11 Months

2010-04-20T20:43:00.003-04:00

Today is April 20th. That means Robbie is 11 months old today, just one more month until he turns 1. One year ago, R and I were sitting in Catholic Charities, writing down what we wanted our sons A-parents to be like. Our "wish list" went something like this:

*At least 1 parent be college educated
*Inter-racial couple (Preferably a white-black couple, like us)
*Active
*Likes to travel
*Christian
*Stay at home/work at home mom
*Have a supportive extended family/close knit family
*Already have one child (R wanted this one, I wasn't so sure)

I'm sure the list went on, but I can no longer remember everything on it, and I have misplaced it some where among the millions of adoption related papers in my desk. We were told that there may not be a family that matched every single specific on our list, but that they would try to get it as close as possible, even if that meant calling other agencies. We didn't expect to get everything on our list. But guess what? We did.

We looked at a grand total of two profiles. The first one was an older dominican couple, who both had adult children from previous marriages. They were ok, more of a last resort if we couldn't find anything better. As soon as we opened the second profile handed to us, we both started grinning from ear to ear. This was it! We found the family! The mom was white, the dad was black, and they had one almost three year old boy (J) whom they had also adopted(he was bi-racial, just like Robbie!). S was college educated, and M was a stay at home mom. They traveled often, and they had a large yet close knit family. They were everything we wanted. We couldn't believe we found a family that matched everything on our list! We gave the OK to set up a meeting.

A little over a week later, we met M, S, and J at the Catholic Charities office. I came prepared with a list of questions...

> Do you have plans to move?
> What are your religious beliefs, and do
> you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ?
> How much contact do you expect to have
> with us?
> What type of education do you want for
> your child?
> Do you have a savings plan for your
> children’s college?
> What are your hobbies, interests, and
> dreams for the future?
> How do you handle conflict?
> What are your beliefs about discipline?
> What kind of future do you see for your
> adopted child?
What makes your marriage work?

Which we discussed, and then some. I showed them the latest ultrasound picture of Robbie, we took a few pictures, exchanged hugs, and parted ways. As soon as we got outside, R and I started talking about how completely perfect they were, how we KNEW that they were "The Ones". We were excited. We were relieved. We were anxious.

It was a much happier time than now.

Happy 11 months, Robbie. We love you.

Answer the phone!

2010-04-19T10:13:00.004-04:00

Don't you hate it when you call some one, and they don't answer the phone? Don't you hate it even more when that person has your child? And the last time you heard, that child had strep throat and a 102 degree fever with vomiting? Really though, how hard is it to answer my phone call? Why must I call you four times(through out the week) AND send you a text message before you finally decide to call me back? Don't tell me you have been busy. I know if it was your mom or your husband or friend or some other family member, you would answer the phone. Or if you really couldn't answer their phone call, you would return their call in a timely manner. So why is it that you are too busy to answer/return MY calls? Why is it that you are too busy for us to come up for a visit, when you have other people over all the time? Must I remind you, that if it wasn't for me (and R), you wouldn't even have Robbie?
All I want is to be treated with a little more respect, a little more importance. You say R and I are so important, because we are Robbie's birth parents, and it's important for us to always be a part of his life and stay in contact. So why does it seem like you really don't give a fudge about us? Like you don't really want us around? Honestly, I feel if you are too busy to answer my phone calls or schedule visits or send us updates and pictures, then maybe you shouldn't have adopted... Or at least you shouldn't have entered into an "open" adoption.

I'm not asking you to send me a five page essay every day on how life is going, I'm just asking you to answer my dang phone call.

Disclaimer: I really DO like my sons A-mom, I mean if I didn't I would have chosen a different family! She is a great mother, and over all she is a great person. I just wish she was better at maintaining contact.

Finally

2010-04-18T08:30:00.003-04:00

I finally decided to start a blog. I've been considering this for a few months, I just didn't think I was talented enough. And I was afraid. I was afraid my blog would be boring, grammatically incorrect, and immature. Who would want to read that crap?! Above all though, I had the fears "What if M and S found my blog, and didn't like what I had to say? Would they stop visits?" "What if family members and friends who don't yet know about Robbie find it?" But I finally decided that I don't care who finds this blog. Even M and S (and their extended family). Because I finally realized this is MY story, and I have the right to share it how ever I please. So that's exactly what I am going to do. Enjoy :)

<3 Ashleigh