Sunday, December 5, 2010

I want to say I am sorry I haven't been blogging very much recently. I probably wont start posting regularly again until early next year. I have a lot going on at the moment, so along with not having much time, I just don't feel up to posting. Sorry!

The other day as I was on my way to lunch with a very dear friend of mine and her husband, my aunt called me with some very exciting news. 
"You're going to have a new cousin next year!" She exclaimed over the phone. 
"Oh my gosh, you're PREGNANT?!" 
"Wait. Who's pregnant?"
"Nobody is pregnant."
"...Oh my gosh. You're adopting?"

I was (and am) very excited for her and her entire family. They will be adopting a 3 year old boy from Uganda next year, and they've decided to name him Matthew (their other three kids all have M names as well). My aunt knows nothing about Robbie or my involvement with adoption, though I have been seriously considering sharing it with her now that I know they are adopting. I figure she might grow suspicious when I start sending her a bunch of blogs, articles, and different resources on trans-racial adoptions. Anyway, today she announced it to everyone else over Facebook. Of course, they have received positive feedback from everyone, including this comment

Sherri "Wow thats great. He will be so happy with ya'll. Thats great that you are being such a blessing to this young man:)"

Now, those of you that know me know that it just burns me up when people assume that adoptive parents are saints and saviors to the children they adopt. I just can't stand it. This isn't to say that I don't think adoptive parents can be great people, I just hate the whole savior mentality that some people get. So of course, I had to leave my own comment.

I'm so happy for you all! Matthew will be such a blessing to YOU and the whole family.
Hopefully everyone will remember that HE is the blessing, not the other way around. We don't need anyone to adopt the "savior" mentality, lol! I can't wait to visit you all and meet him!"

Do you all think my comment was too bitchy or snarky? I really tried to make it as light hearted as possible and still get my message across. I don't want to offend anyone, but in my opinion, Sherri's comment was a bit offensive, as well as ignorant. Hopefully my aunt wont be offended, though I am sure she will agree with me. And hopefully she will be receptive to receiving different resources on trans-racial adoptions. Speaking of... If you all know of any great blogs, books, articles, websites, etc.that deal with trans-racial adoption, please send them my way! Thanks!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Cherry on Top Award

One of my favorite bloggers, LeMira, has awarded me with the Cherry on Top Award. LeMira is a beautiful person, inside and out, and it shows in every one of her posts (by the way, she has TWO blogs that she writes, you can check out the other one here). Whether she is writing about her family, life issues, or her journey to adopt, I always find myself checking in to read the next chapter of her story. I am so honored that she thought to include me on her list of recipients!

And now, the five bloggers I've chosen to pass along the award to are.....

Becoming Stefanie Despain - One amazing birth mom!
Carrying A Cat By The Tail - A semi new birth mom/blogger, who's dedication to posting frequently always reminds me that I'm a serious slacker blog posts are always sincere and thought provoking.
Matters Of The Heart - Hopeful adoptive parent, who has dedicated her blog to birth parent support, birth parent stories, and open adoption awareness.
Heart Cries - Adoptive mama in an open adoption. Her love and commitment for her son and his birth mother are inspiring and heart warming.
Our Life, Our Journey - One of my favorite adoptive mamas! She is truly dedicated to open adoption and adoption reform.

For the "Cherry On Top" Award:
1. Link to the person who gave it to you!
2. Pass it on to 5 more people!
3. Leave a comment on their blog telling them about it!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Adopted: for the life of me

I stumbled upon this in one of my birth mom groups on CafeMom. It's a film made by Jean Strauss, showing how secrets in adoption have lifelong effects on adoptees. It is airing on PBS this month. Unfortunately I missed the days for my area, but hopefully you won't be too late. To find out when it will be aired in your area, go HERE.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Fiercely Loyal, Truly Blessed

Anybody who knows me knows I am fiercely loyal to the people I love and care about. I will defend friends and family faster then I would myself. From verbally defending them in an argument, to physically defending them in a full out fight-You wanna mess with them? You’ve gotta go through me first (I might look small, but I am feisty!).

Early this morning, I had a weird dream. It involved having to build a really complicated cake, my job (which has nothing to do with cakes), my little sister, and M. In this dream, my little sister kept smarting off to M, and this REALLY ticked me off. Then, for whatever reason, she told M to “go to hell”. So, I beat her up (in the dream, of course!).

As I lay in bed at 4:30 this morning, going over what had happened in my dream, I realized that could actually happen. If some one I know were to ever disrespect M like that, I would go crazy on them. I realized that while I’m fiercely loyal to all the people I love, I’m 10 xs more loyal and protective of M then everyone else (save for Robbie, but do I really need to say that?). I sat there for a few minutes trying to figure out why that was. Then it came to me. My protectiveness over her is like that of a mama bear over her cubs. She’s not my cub, BUT, she has my cub. She is my baby’s mother. If something happens to her, then my son looses his mother. And while I know it’s not in my control, I have this overwhelming feeling that I can’t let anything happen to her. I will do just about anything to protect her.

The amount of love and respect I have for M is immense. She is honest, keeps her promises, is consistent, and is an excellent mother. I am truly blessed to have her as my “baby mama”

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Suck it up

You want to know something I don’t understand? Something I CAN’T understand? Birth parents that choose not to see their children, even though the adoptive family would LOVE for them to come and visit.

Let me back up a little.

Today, I was supposed to go hang out with M, S, J, and Robbie. We were all going to go to a corn maze and carve pumpkins and such. All four birth parents had been invited. I knew neither birth father would be able to attend, as they are both currently living out of state. However, MK (J’s birth mom) and I had both agreed to come. I was pretty excited! I mean, I was going to spend the day doing AWESOME stuff with the most AWESOME kid EVER! Who wouldn’t be excited? Also, it was going to be my first time meeting MK, so I was looking forward to that as well.

Anyway, I got a call from M this morning. Turns out, Robbie is sick, and therefore won’t be able to go out anywhere. They offered to still let me come up and hang out with him at the house, but I knew with him not feeling well, he wouldn’t want anyone to hold him but M or S, and that would just suck. So I opted to reschedule for later this week, and then went out for Starbucks and chocolate ice cream to help me not feel so sad (lol).

A few hours later, M calls me again. Apparently, MK never showed up.

Now, I know adoption is difficult. I know people handle difficult things in different ways. I know for some birth parents, seeing their child is just “too hard” for them.

You know what I say to that?


That’s right buddy. Suck that shiz up, stop being a whiney pansy, and go see your child. This isn’t about you. This is about THEM. I don’t care how hard it is. And trust me, I know it’s hard. I know it sucks to be there with your child screaming his head off and you can’t comfort him because you aren’t his mommy. But you know what? No matter how hard it is, I will ALWAYS be a part of Robbie’s life. It’s the LEAST I can do. I could NEVER imagine intentionally disappointing him by not showing up for a visit. I hope and pray that I never disappoint him.

There are so many amazing birth parents out there that can’t see their child due to closed adoptions and insecure adoptive parents. Not seeing your birth child when you are offered the opportunity is like spitting in the faces of those who can not see their child. Not to mention what you are doing to your birth child. You know how they say adoptees deal with feelings of rejection, feelings of worthlessness and not being wanted? By choosing to not have a relationship with them, you are just reinforcing those feelings. Not to mention you are reinforcing the stereotypes we all have to deal with.

I really do try not to judge people, but this is something I just can not accept. If this offends you, then I guess you can go read some one else’s blog. I promise it won’t hurt my feelings.

Thursday, October 21, 2010


I finally finished my adoption story and sent it off to Karine. You can read it here.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Still alive....

I haven't posted in forever- and I apologize. This past month has been crazy busy! I feel especially bad because I accepted Karine's offer to share my story on her blog, "Matters of the Heart" and I have YET to finish and send her my story. I got about half way through before hitting a severe writers block. I just cant figure out how I want to end it. I mean, how do you write the ending of a story that is just beginning? I have yet to figure that out. However, I promise I will try to overcome this block and finish the story SOON! Also, I have been given permission by M to let Karine post pictures of Robbie and everyone with this story. Real pictures, that show his adorable little face. I'm pretty sure this will be one of the few (if not only) times I actually do this, so be sure to check out the post (I'll let you all know when it has been posted) whenever I am done writing it and send it to Karine!

Friday, August 20, 2010

Still A Mom

Yesterday, my family watched my 2 ½ month old niece so my brother and his wife could have some time off. Shortly after they dropped her off, my grandmother and I got into a dispute over something related to the baby. I knew I was right, but just to appease my grandmother I called my brother and asked.

He said this, “Don’t listen to her, you’re a mom. You know what you’re doing.”

You know what? He’s right. I may not be a mom in the usual sense, but I still have my mommy skills. That comment made my day J

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Rainbows and Bubbles

Yesterday, I saw a comment on Lindseys fb status, asking for birthmother stories that weren’t necessarily positive. Some one asked if she wanted to read birthmother blogs who were very anti-adoption, to which she said, “I don't need or want to read anti-adoption stuff. I guess I just mean those women who relinquished and now realize they didn't *need* to. Not just a bad experience with an agency or something. Does that make sense? Just something that doesn't end in bubbles and rainbows I guess. LOL

I totally know what she means. Every time I read one of the featured birthmother stories on different blogs like The R House, Birthmothers for Adoption, etc, no matter what the person’s story is, the ending always seems to be so bubbly and happy and perfect. Now, I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but it does get annoying in a way because you already know how the story is going to end lol.

Anyway, it got me thinking about the past 14 (almost 15!) months. There was a time where I HATED adoption and anything related to it. I hated everyone around me, most of all though, I hated myself. I hated that I had chosen adoption, that I hadn’t “tried harder” to parent my son, that I could never go back and undo it. I prayed for something to happen, anything, that would cause the adoption to be invalid and allow me to get him back. I kept thinking, “I didn’t have to choose adoption. I could have chosen parenting; I could have found a way to raise him. I didn’t have to choose a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”

But the reality is that there really wasn’t a way for me to parent, if there was, I would have done it. I really did try everything. There was no choice but adoption. It took me a long time to accept that. It was hard to accept that there was nothing I could have done differently, that I made the only choice I could, and there was no one to blame for it but myself. Once I realized and accepted this, it was a lot easier to start working through my grief over the adoption.

Because of that (and strengthening my relationship with God), I feel at peace with the situation. I can say now that I am happy with the way the situation is turning out. I know I made the best decision I could. I don’t regret placing him for adoption, as I know it was the only possible choice, I just regret the decisions I made that led to me having to place him. I regret that the adoption even had to happen.

I will never portray my situation as “bubbles and rainbows”, because it’s not, but I will say that I am at peace with things. I believe the women who have had their stories featured on The R House and BMFA feel the same way. They don’t have perfect lives and perfect situations; they have just made peace with themselves and God, and have chosen to look at things in a positive way. This doesn’t mean things aren’t hard for them at times, or that they don’t ever struggle with anything. This just means they have chosen to be happy. Happiness, like love, isn’t just a feeling. It’s a choice.

I’ve chosen to be happy, how about you?

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Supra Ventricular Tachycardia

Try saying that five times fast.

I mentioned in the post I wrote about the day Robbie was born, that I have a heart condition (which is why we did a c-section). Well, I actually have two heart conditions. The first I was born with, and it’s called Supra Ventricular Tachycardia. We’ll just call it SVT. It’s an arrhythmia, and it causes my heart rate to become elevated when I get scared, have too much caffeine, too much excitement, or for just no reason at all. I had a radio frequency ablation for it when I was about seven. Basically, they stick some wires in your legs and they use those wires to go up to your heart and they shock it a few times. It’s kinda cool because they control the wires like a remote controlled car. Any way, they told us it would solve the problem for now but I would more than likely have to have it done again once I was an adult. So a couple years ago when my heart started acting up again, I figured “Hey no problem! I’ll just get the surgery again and go on to live a happy, care free life!” right? Wrong.  I went to a cardiologist last year while I was pregnant with Robbie just to check over things, make sure everything was OK, and see if I could handle labor. They put me on yet another heart monitor (those darn sticky pads always eat my skin up, even the “hypoallergenic” ones), and after a few weeks it was decided that it wasn’t my SVT that was acting up. I had developed Sinus Tachycardia. It’s basically the same thing as SVT, except it’s more activity induced IE; walking up stairs or a hill, running, lifting heavy things, and so on. They sent me to a specialist on ST, who told me that I could either continue working out to try and build a resistance to it, or I could take a lot of drugs that might help it. Basically, this wasn’t something that could be “fixed”. There was no surgery for this. I opted to try and build a resistance to it. For the last year I’ve tried to remain as active as possible. I always take the stairs, I even run up them most days even though I feel like I’m going to die doing it. I walk, I run around with my dog, etc. Nothing has changed. It’s just gotten worse. I'm worried. Some days, I feel like my heart is just giving up. Like it’s struggling to beat. It really makes me worry. What if it shortens my life? What if I’m not here to answer Robbie’s questions when he is older? What if my heart makes it impossible to have another child? It’s part of why I keep a journal, and this blog. If something happens to me, I want him to be able read my/our story, in my words. Even still, I feel like it’s not enough.

Eh, perhaps I’ll try the meds :-/

Open Adoption Roundtable #17

Open Adoption Roundtable #17

Are there any things that you don’t want the other members of your triad to know—or that you don’t want to know about them? I’ve heard first mothers talk about not sharing their birth stories with adoptive parents because those are for the adoptees and for themselves only. I've also heard of adoptees concealing their reunions from adoptive parents so as not to cause them pain. What don’t you want shared in your adoptive relationships?

Honestly, I can’t say that there is too much I don’t want M (or S, I suppose) to know. I have told her about my blog, and she even knows the name of it. However, I have not yet given her the address to it. That being said, I just sent a Facebook message to several people inviting them to join the adoption awareness group, M being one of those people. So if she really wanted to she could find my blog by seeing my name, Not Just A Birth Mom, on the member list and clicking the link to my site from there. So who knows, maybe she will be reading this by the end of tonight! And though I may not be completely ready for her to read it, I am ok with it if she does.

Now if S were to read this blog? I don’t know how I feel about that. Why the difference? I’m not sure. I don’t have much of a relationship with S, neither does R for that matter. He was present for the first few visits we had with them, but after Halloween he was no longer present for any of them (save for the one in early April when we all sat down together to re-evaluate our adoption agreement, and again at Robbie’s birthday party). Now, he does work odd hours, and is on call quite often. So I know it is not really his fault if he is not there. However, there are times where R and I will wonder just how comfortable with the situation he is. There have been quite a few times both of us have gotten the vibe that he really didn’t want to be there, and didn’t want to have much of anything to do with us. At first I worried a lot about how this might affect his parenting of Robbie (and J as well, for that matter). I worried that maybe he was resentful of having to adopt, having us around, and maybe that resentment would lead to him not having a good relationship with them. Luckily though, I have seen personally that he has a great relationship with them (they adore him), and it’s obvious how much he loves them.
So I suppose what I’m saying is I am not comfortable asking what his opinion about us and the whole situation is (because honestly, I’m scared of the answer).
Also, to be fair, S does not have the same out going personality as M and is much more withdrawn (Though he was very friendly at Robbie’s party, so maybe that’s a good sign!). So perhaps that also has something to do with it, and perhaps R and I are exaggerating things and reading too much into the little things. It’s hard to not be super sensitive to these things as a birth parent.

Other than that, I don’t try to hide anything from them. There are times I may hold my tongue when I disagree with one of their parenting choices, but that’s because I trust M and S and I know that they ARE the parents and it’s their decision to do whatever they decide to do. Also, I don’t talk to M in detail about any breakdown I might have. She knows about my depression diagnosis, and she knows I have had a few very hard times. I do not feel like I should burden her with these things though. I don’t want to cause her any guilt or discomfort. However, M can ask me whatever she wants, and I will always answer her to the best of my ability. I feel like without complete honesty, we can’t build a lasting relationship. So I promise to always be honest with her, and I hope she will always be honest with me, which I am confident she will be.

Adoption Awareness

Lets make others aware of adoption throughout the whole year, and not just in November! People need to know that adoption isn't all rainbows and butterflies, that birth parents aren't horrible people, and that adoptees have RIGHTS! If you care at all about adoption reform, then join this group and tell your friends about it (you do not have to be a blogger to join). You never know what you might be able to contribute.

Thanks Kelsey, for creating this group! And thanks Karine for helping spread the word! It's something I should have done sooner.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Built Ford Tough

So the other day, I picked up one of my best friends Brittany (we have been bff’s for almost nine years now!) so she could spend the night with me and go to an awesome sale in the morning.
Well, if you’ve ever been to Atlanta, you know traffic is horrible and the drivers are crazy. You know that I-285, I-75, and I-85 are all going to be backed up like crazy during rush hour. Unfortunately, we had no choice but to choose one of these interstates to get home.
We chose I-285 and drudged through the traffic. It was typical stop and go traffic, when some one ahead of us slammed on their brakes causing a domino affect of brake-slamming. I came to a complete stop with no problem, plenty of room between my car and the car ahead of us. We then looked in the rear view mirror to see a pick up truck coming right for us. I could tell by his face he was trying to stop, and for a second I thought, “Maybe he will just come close to hitting us, but won’t actually do it” and then I felt the big thud of his car slamming into mine. I put on my hazards, and got out to inspect the damage (we were in the far left lane). I told Brittany to stay seated with her seat belt on and DO NOT GET OUT! Once I got out, I saw that this wasn’t just a two car accident; it was a FOUR car accident!
I made sure everyone was OK (I’m first aid certified, so yeah..), which they were. Then I noticed that the trucks bumper was pretty bent up.

“Oh gosh, if that’s what his bumper looks like, what does mine look like?!” I thought. Well, it looks like this.

One little scratch. My little Ford sedan was smashed by a GMC pick up truck, and all it got was a scratch. Well, that’s what I call “Built Ford Tough”! Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for the other vehicles…

The Lexus was completely totaled. They had to tow his car away, bless his heart.
 The Chevy was pretty scratched up on both ends, but was definitely drivable.
 The GMC Sierra had both of his bumpers messed up, but was also drivable. My car didn’t even look like it had been in an accident lol.

The last two cars were cited for following too closely, the truck guy and I didn’t get anything.

Brittany and I were on cloud 9! We just couldn’t believe we had been in an accident and 1. Everyone was ok, 2. Our car has basically no damage, and 3. We weren’t at fault for anything! It could have been so much worse. People could have been hurt, all the cars could have been totaled, we could have been at fault, etc. I can really say God was watching out for us!
I feel sorry for the lady driving the Chevy though. She got cited for two accidents (her and the lexus, and then her, the truck, and myself). I really feel the lexus was the main cause of the accident. We only felt one hit against our car. So I believe the Lexus hit the Chevy and because he was obviously going so fast (look at that damage!) he slammed her into the truck who got pushed into us. I believe I was the only person at a complete stop, and everyone (but the Lexus) was in the process of slowing down. It also explains why my car has no damage and why we didn’t feel the impact of the other cars hitting us.

Anyway, after we were given our case numbers and such, Brittany and I met up with my mom’s boyfriend at the mall to eat (and because he wanted to make sure everything was OK). I hadn’t felt any pain, but once we were ordering our food I realized my back hurt a bit and my hip was killing me! The whole hip thing really made me laugh. I mean how the heck did my hip get hurt?! Well I guess my little sis is right, I’m an “old kid” lol.

The next morning we got up early and headed to Plato’s Closet for their bag sale. Basically, you get one of their shopping bags and you stuff as many clothes in it as you can and it’s only $20 bucks a bag. Needless to say, the place was packed! We made out like bandits though; with almost $300 worth of stuff for only $40 (we got two bags). M told me I was officially the “Deal Queen”. I got about 19 pairs of jeans (being an Army brat really comes in handy when you have to roll clothes up very tightly), maybe 9 for my self, and then a few for my mother and my sister. I also got this fantastic dress! It’s pretty much the perfect little black dress, and I can’t wait to wear it!

After stashing our goods at the house, we headed down town for the Peachtree Road Race expo (I’m a non-runner in a family of runners). We loaded up on free samples of juice, cereal, pens, granola bars, chocolate, tons of awesome coupons, etc. As my friend Lovell always says, it must be the Jewish part of me that loves free stuff!

Over all we had a great time :) I love my friends. And I LOVE my Ford!

Sunday, June 27, 2010

My Baby Mama

Last week, I bought the boys this AWESOME sprinkler set. It has three parts; a turtle wade pool, an elephant that shoots water out of its nose, and a giraffe that has an arch of water you can run under. It was half off at Walmart, and I just knew they would love it! Especially Robbie, as his favorite thing to do is swim/play in water. I text M about it as soon as I bought it, and decided we would get together in August and I would give it to them then (July is just way too busy for all of us, and I’m not paying to ship that heavy thing!).

Well on Thursday I went to a friend’s softball game, and I realized the park was maybe ten or fifteen minutes from M and S’s house (We live almost an hour apart, so this is a big deal). I was going to be up there again the next night, so I made plans with M to meet for coffee or something so I could give her the set and we could catch up (cause you know, every mom needs a night off!). It was after bedtime, so the boys didn’t join us.

We had a great time, of course! As always, we talked about everything under the sun (Robbie can walk up AND down the stairs all by himself now!). As we were talking, the topic of how the boy’s names were chosen came up. Now, you all already know from a former post how I originally felt about his “real” name (which I will not ever post here, sorry.). If you haven’t read the post yet, I hated it! I couldn’t believe they had chosen that name. It just didn’t fit him. It was like trying to wear a shoe that was six sizes too big. It just wasn’t “him”.

Well, M told me last night that maybe three weeks after they announced his name, S said to her, “You know, I don’t think I like the name *****.” And three months after he was named she looked at him and said, “You really don’t look like a *****.” But this was the name that had been chosen and announced to the world, so it was a little late to go back and change things! When she told me this I just died laughing. I told her again how I had absolutely hated his name and it really took a lot of effort for me to become accustomed to it (it also helped that he shares the name with my late grandfather, and he looks just like him!).

I guess the whole point of this post, is that I can honestly call M a friend. She isn’t just my “baby’s mama” that I talk to only for information on my son. I don’t meet up with her only to see my son. I actually have a relationship with her, and I can call her up to talk to her about boys or my crazy family, or to talk about some awesome sale I found. Though our relationship was started by adoption, it’s not only about adoption. She is some one I would actually be friends with even if she wasn’t the mother to my son. Back when I first met them last May, I imagined what our relationship would one day look like. I hoped that we would be close friends, who could get together randomly for lunch or coffee, go on vacations together, and so on. And you know what? I honestly believe that is exactly where our relationship is going.

I am truly blessed. And baby mama, if you read this, I love you!

Sunday, June 20, 2010


Abortion is a pretty controversial topic. I don't want to get anyone riled up, and I don't need anyone throwing bible verses at me. Trust me, I know the bible. I believe the bible. I just want to express how placing my son for adoption has changed my views on abortion. After all, this is MY blog. The whole point of this thing is to write down my story, and this is part of it.

Before placing Robbie, I was pro-life. I wasn't totally pro-life though, meaning that I felt termination was acceptable in certain situations. Such as;
-Saving the mothers life

Now that I have placed Robbie for adoption, things have changed. I'm not going to say I'm completely pro-choice, but I'm not completely pro-life. I'm not going to march in pro-choice rallies or convince people it's better to kill their unborn babies. Nor am I going to march in pro-life rallies and condemn the women who choose abortion ("Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the same measure you use, it will be measured back to you" Matthew chapter 7, verse 1-2. Now THERE'S a bible verse for ya).

All I'm saying is that if some one were to choose abortion over adoption, I would completely understand. I would not judge them. I would not try to sway them one way or the other. I would share my experience with them, and share with them facts about adoption and abortion (this is assuming parenting is not an option). If they were to end up choosing abortion, then that is their decision. I would support them no matter what they decided.

Having talked with several birth moms who have both placed and terminated, I can say that I honestly believe abortion is the easier decision. In no way am I saying it is the "right" decision (though it may be for them), but is by far the less painful option. Now, I know that having an abortion has it's risks, one of them being life long depression and guilt. I used to volunteer at a pregnancy resource center, and we had countless women who were struggling with depression and guilt for abortions they'd had in the past. Some of them were struggling with it still thirty years later. However, this is not the case for every person who has an abortion.

After speaking with several birth moms who have chosen both adoption and abortion, every single one has agreed wholeheartedly that abortion was/is easier than placing a child for adoption. This isn't to say they wish they had aborted their placed children instead of carrying to term and relinquishing them, of course not. They all love their birth children very much, and are happy they chose life for them. They just know they wouldn't have as much pain if they had chosen abortion.

Abortion is something you can gain closure from. It's something you can move on from, and leave in your past. Adoption is completely different. While you can gain a certain amount of closure with adoption, it is never something you can completely heal from. There are so many things that rip open that wound; birthdays, holidays, hearing your child call some one else "mommy", etc. You can't move on from adoption. You can move forward, but you cant move past it. Adoption will always affect your life in multiple ways. It's not something you can "forget" about, contrary to popular belief.

Pro-lifers get so caught up in fighting against abortion, that they don't really help to provide a better alternative. Sure, they say, "You can parent, or choose adoption!" but that's all. They don't try to make it easier for single parents. In fact, a lot of times they make it harder. A lot of pro-lifers are against people being on welfare. Well, how the heck do you expect a young, single mother with little education, to parent a child successfully with no money or government assistance? Sure, they say "Get a job!" but most mothers DO get a job. In fact, they get MULTIPLE jobs. Sometimes though, it's still not enough.

As for adoption, they think it's a wonderful decision. They praise the mother to be for choosing adoption. "Oh, what a selfless decision! This really is what's best for the baby!" but as soon as the papers are signed and the baby is taken from her, they forget all about her and focus completely on the adoptive parents. "How selfless of you to adopt this child! Think of what a horrible life this child would have had if you hadn't of swooped in and saved them!" Cause you know, adoptive parents are just the saviors of the freaking world, and birth mothers are drug addicted whores who don't care about their children and should have never opened their legs in the first place.

And then they wonder why women don't want to choose adoption. Perhaps if they fought as hard for adoption reform as they do against abortion, more women would choose adoption over abortion. Perhaps if they fought for better support for single parents like they have in Australia, more women would choose single parenting over abortion.

Maybe people should stop throwing stones and casting judgment, and start working on making the alternatives better.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Work in progress...

Blogger has made some changes that are affecting the appearance of my blog. So I've decided to redo the whole thing. Please bear with me while I slowly make these changes. I promise, it won't be tacky like this for long!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

As Nike Says, Just Do It!

I mentioned previously that M and S have not told the boys about their being adopted. Yet. I absolutely and completely disagree with this. When we had our first meeting, R and I were told the boys would “grow up” knowing they were adopted. Silly us, we assumed that meant they would ALWAYS know. Apparently it means they will grow up a little, be told, and then continue growing up knowing. It is probably my only point of contention with M. I have some how, by the grace of God, been able to hold my tongue about this (for the most part. She does know that I do not agree with this). I say “by the grace of God” because I have a hard time not telling people how I feel about something. I am pretty opinionated, and I am not afraid to share my view/feelings/thoughts/opinions on things, especially things that really matter to me.

Someone once wrote, “A child should never feel like they are hearing about their life for the first time.”

Need I say anything else? I should think not, but I will anyway.

I first found out the boys wouldn’t know about their adoption any time soon way back in October (6 months after I placed Robbie), after Robbie’s first (and so far only) visit with his biological half sister Z. Unfortunately, M spoke with their pediatrician back when they were first adopting J, and she told them that “Children are not really emotionally ready to learn about their adoption experience until the age of five.”
The age of FIVE. Basically, she was telling me my son would have no idea who I was for 4 ½ more years. Now let’s think about this. First of all, is this woman a child psychologist? No. She is a freaking pediatrician. Does this woman have any experience with adoption? No again. Has she been trained in adoption, and it’s affects on adoptees? One more time, NO. So don’t you think that maybe she should keep her ideas of what children are emotionally ready for to her self, and stick with telling parents how tall their kids are going to be? Yes, I believe so. I mean, would you ask a plastic surgeon his advice on how to properly perform a kidney transplant? I sure as heck hope not!

I want so badly to send this woman a ton of books on open adoption, adoptees, etc. How ever, this could be seen as stalker-ish, so I will try to refrain from doing so. Honestly though, you would think that as a professional who now has at least two adoptees on her list of patients, she would do some research! It’s kind of her job, in my opinion. With out research, how can she offer them the best care?

Enough about the pediatrician though. Everyone knows the main issue is how this will impact the boys. Did any of you grow up believing in Santa Claus? Do you remember the crushing, devastating feeling when you found out Santa wasn’t real? That he was all made up? I bet you felt lied to, maybe a little betrayed, and definitely sad. Perhaps it planted a seed of distrust against your parents. I mean, they had lied about Santa Claus, what else could they be lying about? Now take all of those feelings, and magnify them by about 1000000. That’s how you would feel finding out about your life for the first time. “What? You aren’t my mommy? I didn’t grow in your tummy? I have a sister? So you mean, those people who randomly visit me and tell me they love me are my biological parents? I have a whole other family?”
Finding all this out for the first time will be confusing, devastating, and just plain HARD. I mean, could you imagine growing up thinking the sky was orange, and then one day you find out that it’s really blue? You would probably start to question other things in life. What else isn’t true? What else am I being lied to about? You may stop trusting the things people tell you. You may become resentful. Something like this could change you for life, and not in a good way.

How ever, let’s say you grew up like I did. You always knew Santa wasn’t real. He was just something that added to the fun of Christmas. You took pictures with him at the mall, you baked cookies for him on Christmas Eve, knowing it was really your dad who was going to eat them. You always knew that the sky was blue, the grass was green, and the Florida Gators were the best SEC football team (haha! Just had to throw that in there). These things were normal for you. They were part of every day life, they were common knowledge. It was no big deal! It was all a normal part of your life.

If a child grows up knowing something, that is their normal. They will be able to handle it. We need to realize that these kids are a lot smarter than we think, and they are capable of a LOT. We need to give them more credit. Hiding something, anything, from someone is NEVER a good idea. It doesn’t matter who or what it is. The truth will come out. It always does.

So if you are an adoptive parent and you haven’t told your child they are adopted yet, tell them. There is no right moment to do it. Don’t waste time waiting for that “right moment”, because it will never come. There is never a right moment to tell some one about their life for the first time. The only right time, is the day they come into your home.

So as Nike says, just do it!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Alone, with a lot of hate.

I hate how I always feel like I'm asking for too much from my sons adoptive parents.

I hate how I can't support R through his breakdown like he supported me through mine.

I hate how emotionally numb I am.

I hate how much I've pulled away from friends in the last year. So much so, that when I finally do want to hang out, no one is around because they've all moved on in their lives with new friends and the people who are still around do not live in a close proximity to my home.

I hate the lack of post placement support from my agency. I feel like I've been hung out to dry. Oh, we sold your baby! We don't need you anymore!

I hate how my mom doesn't understand, won't ever understand, and doesn't have any desire to understand. "why are you so upset?" why do you freaking think, mom? Cause it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm grieving my son, my baby boy.

I hate ignorant, self centered teenagers who get to raise their babies. You are yelling at your toddler that he is an idiot, in front of strangers. What the hell kind of parent are you? Oh right, a lousy one. I also hate the little girls who have babies only to have the girls mother or aunt or cousin raise them. They carry the kid around like lap dogs in a purse until the kid starts crying, and they promptly hand it over to their mother/aunt/cousin.

I hate how people assume I wouldn't make a good mother because I placed my son for adoption. I know for a fact I would have made a great mother.

I hate that I worry I won't ever have another child. I've already had one miscarriage, what if I only got lucky with Robbie? And I gave him away?

I hate dreaming that I'm holding my son close to my chest and telling him I love him, and having him hold me back, only to wake up in the middle of the night to realize it was only a dream. That my son isn't here, my arms only ache to hold him, and I am alone.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Birthday Weekend

I know I promised to have this post up Monday, but I've been so tired and busy I haven't felt like writing anything!

Any way, this weekend was stressful, but good. We ended up having a decent time at Robbie’s birthday party Saturday, especially after most people had left. We ate pizza, cupcakes, cake, and ice cream.

The cake looked fantastic! Even though I’m not much of a cake eater, I did try some, and it was pretty darn good!

See? She has mad skills.

(BTW: Robbie is like me and does NOT like cake, and refused to dig into his like most 1 year olds enjoy doing. This is all the damage that he did)

J opened most of Robbie’s gifts for him, as he wasn’t too interested in doing it himself. He loved all of his toys, and at one point was sitting on the floor surrounded by his different gifts, trying to decide which one to play with. I think one of his favorite toys was this plastic golf club and golf ball set he got. R is actually a talented golfer, so he had a good time showing Robbie how to hold and swing the club.

M had J and Robbie open our gift last. We both knew that as soon as it was opened, all the other toys would be forgotten about. M pulled the ATV out of the box, and everyone ooohed and ahhhed. J immediately tried to get on it and take it for himself (Poor kid hasn’t adjusted well to not being the only child), but M made it clear that it was Robbie’s toy and he got to ride it first. We put him on it and watched him ride around the room. It was so very cute. He can’t quite make it work all on his own yet, but he is a very fast learner, so I’m sure he’ll have it down in no time! As soon as he got off, the other boys were fighting for a turn to ride it. Well, at least it will get a lot of use!

After most people had left, we went outside to play in the back yard. He loves being outside, running around, sliding down the slide, etc. I got some great pictures of him trying to climb up the slide. Their neighbor has a dog named Duke, and every time he barked, Robbie would smile and point to him and say, “Du!” It was cool to hear him say a new word! We also got to see him climb up the stairs, drink from a straw, dance, and throw a ball (with surprising accuracy! He does NOT get that from me haha).

Sunday morning was a bit crazy. I was all out of sorts! I couldn’t find my camera, and I searched all over only to find it in my purse. Then I couldn’t find my keys. I looked all over, only to find they were in my pocket the whole time (lol!). I had to send out my sister and my mom’s boyfriend to the store to get chocolate icing and hot dog buns last minute, and my brother and his wife ended up not being able to make it.

In the end though, everything worked out. I finished the cupcakes, and they ended up turning out pretty well!

(As my sister said, they were pretty ballin’! Yes, horrible pun, I know.)

After M and Robbie showed up, we headed to the park. We ate chili dogs, potato chips (BBQ of course, mine and Robbie’s favorite kind!), potato salad, juice and soda. We let Robbie play for a bit before opening presents and eating cupcakes.

Align Left

He of course wanted nothing to do with the cupcake, but everyone else enjoyed them! Then we let him open up his presents. My mom got him this little set of a whole bunch of plush dinosaurs that come in this soft carrying case shaped like a rock. He pulled out all of the little dinosaurs and started kissing them! It was the most adorable thing ever.

After a while, it was time to say goodbye. We packed everything up and exchanged hugs and kisses. About six minutes after we parted, M texted me to tell me Robbie had already fallen asleep! We all took his lead and settled down for a nap. It had been a long, exhausting weekend. Fun, for the most part, but also physically and emotionally exhausting.

But hey, I made it through!

The loss is real

So I’m almost a month late to the discussion, but lately everyone has been talking about what and when to tell adoptees. There have been several good posts, like this, this and this. It was all apparently started by this post. I read this post, and then I read some of the comments. A few of the commenter’s said things like this

“"I stand firm on the belief that if your child is crying at night for her birth family, you are doing something wrong."”

“I cringe a little bit when I read about preschoolers crying at night for a birth mother they only met briefly and couldn't possibly remember ……... It's just not talked about much because, well, there's nothing to talk about (because our kids aren't mourning).”

Because our kids aren’t mourning.

That line really struck a cord with me. I haven’t mentioned this yet, but M and S have not yet told the boys they are adopted. While they know their birth parents and know what adoption is and they talk about it, they do not yet know they are adopted (this is something I COMPLETELY disagree with, but I’ll save that for another post).

Robbie’s older brother, J, will be 4 very soon. The other year, his birth parents gave him a little ride on motorcycle for his birthday. He LOVES it. Well, M was talking to me a few months ago about how they saw a guy on a motorcycle while they were out running errands. So of course when they got home he wanted to ride his. As he was doing so, he began to cry. M asked him what was wrong and somehow ended up asking if he missed P and K (his birthparents).

"Yessssssss!" He wailed.

He was crying because he missed them. He misses them and feels a loss for them, even though he DOESN’T know he is adopted, and DOESN’T know he came from K’s tummy and DOESN’T know that P and K are his biological parents. All he knows is that they are two people who come around every now and then to visit and they love him very much.

This kid hasn’t had any “propaganda” about birth parents and loss “planted” into his head. And he STILL feels that LOSS. He is STILL MOURNING this loss.

Think about that folks.

Disclaimer: Yes, I know the original post was about international adoption more so than domestic. But I believe this just goes to show that there is a real loss that adoptees suffer. The loss isn’t a “created” loss that has to be planted into their heads. The loss is already there, and it’s real.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Bittersweet Memories

May 20th. Has it really been a year since I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy in the world? Because I have a heart condition, my doctor and I decided it would be safer for me to have a c-section. So I scheduled for a c-section May 20th, at twelve thirty pm. We got to the hospital around eleven, and found out that I had actually been scheduled for 2:30. Fantastic, I thought. I already haven’t eaten in twelve hours, and this kid is hungry!! We killed time by playing cards until they called me in to do paper work and get prepped for the surgery. Because of my heart condition, they had to do extra things like an EKG (oh and they decided it would be a great time to train about five other people how to perform one! It took FOREVER). Luckily I was allowed to have visitors during all of this, so my family took turns coming back to see me, which really helped to pass the time.
Finally, around 4:00pm, they had R dress in scrubs, and they wheeled me back to the OR. They had R wait outside while they finished prepping me for surgery, which I found to be pretty pointless because they left the door open the entire time. I was given spinal anesthesia. This means they stuck a 5 inch needle into my spine. I am allergic to lidocain, so instead of using an alternative medicine, they decided to stick the 5 inch needle into my back with out any numbing medication. 5 inch needle. In my spine. No numbing medication. OUCH. I tried so hard not to cry, but I couldn’t help but let out a few pathetic sobs into my nurses shoulder as she held me during this.
After that, they allowed R to come back in and they got to work. I remember them having my arms strapped down, and feeling them work on me. I could feel him reach inside me, and I remember my body rocking from the force of him pulling out my son. It was then we heard his first cries. I will never forget the sound. He was so loud! And angry sounding! As if he was saying, “What the heck are you guys doing to me?! I was comfortable in there!”
Robbie Born May 20th, 2009 at 4:53PM 8 pounds, 2 ounces 20 1/2 inches long

They immediately started cleaning him and weighing him, etc. That’s when my anxiety set in. I kept thinking, where is my baby? Why can’t I see him? I need to see him! I need to see my baby!
The next thing I remember, I was waking up in a different room. I was so tired, thirsty, and sore. I didn’t know where I was, what had happened, or where my baby was. R was there as I woke up, and he began feeding me ice chips. He explained that I’d had a bad reaction to the anesthesia, and I had begun to “freak out”. Apparently, I had started screaming, “WHERE”S MY BABY! GIVE ME MY BABY!” I had broken loose from the arm restraints, and I was flailing around, trying to find my baby. The nurses brought him over to try and calm me down, “Look, here he is. Here! It’s ok!” But I still wasn’t ok. It took them several tries, but they finally sedated me. I have no memory of any of this.
They kept me in the recover room for quite a while. I wasn’t allowed to see Robbie while in there. R went back and forth between staying with me, and going to see Robbie. He was so sweet; he wouldn’t let anyone else hold him until I got a chance to. After what seemed like ages, they finally moved me into my room. It was almost 9 Pm when they finally brought in my son. It was my first time seeing him. They placed him in my arms,Photobucket
and I remember him opening up his eyes and squinting up at me.
He was the most beautiful person I had ever seen, and my heart overflowed with love for him. There aren’t enough words in all of the languages of the world to convey my feelings of love for him.
I was and still am completely and utterly amazed by him. I am in awe of everything he does.
We were in the hospital from Wednesday to Saturday, and we spent every moment we could with him. Feeding him, changing his diapers, holding him, taking pictures, and just loving and getting to know him. We never sent him to the nursery. The only time he was away from us was when they took him to do things like get him circumcised.
We only had M and S there one time, for maybe an hour. They came Thursday evening and they gave me a necklace and R a watch. They each held Robbie, and S fed him. (I believe this is how it should always be done. This way, you have time with your baby without the potential adoptive parents hovering over you, influencing your decision to place.)
We signed the TPR papers on Friday. They had circumcised Robbie not long before, so he was in a lot of pain. He cried most of the time, which made it that much harder to go through with it.
Saturday came, and it was time to say goodbye. I spent the morning alone with him. I held him the entire time, and while I held his little body close to mine, I cried. I didn’t want to let him go. I was just getting to know him, and it was already time to give him to people I had only met twice. I carried him down to the nursery, even after a nurse told me that we weren’t allowed to carry the babies in the hall. I didn’t care. This was my baby, and I was going to hold him until the last possible second.

When I got to the nursery where my pregnancy counselor was waiting, I hugged him close, kissed him, and told him how much I loved him. Then I gently placed him in the bassinet, and walked away. He began crying loudly as I left, like he knew what was happening. It was as though he shared my pain. It took everything in me to keep walking, to not run back and hold him and sooth his cries.
I left the hospital a childless mother. It was cloudy and grey outside as we left. I felt so hollow, so empty. My first journal entry says this:

Today is my first full day away from Robbie. I’m wondering if I’ve made the right decision. M and S are wonderful people, and they are everything we wanted in the adoptive parents, but I feel so unnatural without him….. My arms ache to hold him, my chest and stomach feel so empty…. I tear up every 5 minutes, he is all I can think about. Does he miss us like we miss him? Does he cry for us? Does he realize he isn’t with us?
I’m not sure if I can do this. I need him…

I still feel like this at times. I still have that hollow, empty feeling; my arms still ache to hold him close to me. I wish with every part of me that I could have kept him and raised him, but I know it wasn't possible. I know I made the best decision for him. He is happy, he is loved, and he has everything he could ever want.

Happy 1st birthday Robbie, I love you with all of my heart. I always have, and I always will.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Birthdays and Baby Showers

Tomorrow is Robbie’s first birthday. Saturday was my sister in laws baby shower. Mothers day was almost two weeks ago. I should be going crazy with emotions right now…. I’m not. I’m as calm as can be. I can laugh at silly things, smile a REAL smile, and sincerely wish my brother and his darling wife congratulations and good luck.

Am I crazy? Well, maybe. I really can’t figure out why I am doing so well. This last year has been filled with so many different emotions. From May to September, I was in blissful denial. Once October hit, I was filled with anger and resentment. It was in January that I was slammed with depression. I’ve been struggling with depression since some time early last year, but this? This depression was so much heavier. It crushed me. My work performance suffered, my relationships and social life suffered, I didn’t feel like doing anything. Everything was hopeless. Every little task felt overwhelming. I cried all the time. I was diagnosed with major depression and slight post traumatic stress disorder.
So why am I so OK now? Perhaps this is all a fluke, and in a few weeks I’ll have a major emotional meltdown. For now though, I think I will take advantage of this emotional calm, and enjoy life for once.

Speaking of enjoying life, I attended my sister in law D’s baby shower Saturday, and I had a great time! I took tons of pictures (over a hundred!), oohed and ahhed over her fabulous gifts, participated in the games, and devoured the delicious food. There were a few times I felt a bit sad, but it never lasted long. Over all, I had a fantastic time.

M and I have been talking more lately. It’s pretty much back to how it used to be. There were a few months where our contact kind of dropped off a bit, but I am glad to see it getting back to normal (which is talking at least once a week). We talked again this morning, and discussed Robbie’s birthday and birthday party. I am so excited! She has decided to do a caterpillar cake, complete with pudding and crushed Oreos for dirt, and green iced cupcakes for grass. Let me tell you folks, when it comes to cooking/baking, this lady has skills. CRAZY skills. So I know for a fact this cake is not only going to look awesome, it’s going to taste awesome. I don’t even really like cake, but I know I’ll be eating this one!
I am just so tickled that he is going to have a caterpillar cake, because one of his gifts from me is a Very Hungry Caterpillar outfit I found maybe two months after he was born, and I’ve been saving it until he could fit it. One of the other presents R and I are giving him, is this awesome ATV 4 wheeler for kids.
It only goes 1 MPH, but I’m sure he is going to love it. I’m also sure that big brother J will try to take it for himself! Good thing he still fits the weight limit! I can’t wait to see them play with it.

On Sunday, M is bringing Robbie down to have a little party with my family and friends. This will be the first time most of them will meet him, so it’s pretty exciting! We are going to go to a local park, and have cupcakes and chips and such. I’m thinking I will make the cupcakes sports themed, since Robbie loves to play with any kind of ball. I’m planning to make soccer balls, basketballs, and baseballs. I’m sure it will be a lot of work, but it’s definitely going to be worth it!

I promise to have another post with pictures of it all by Monday night!

Monday, May 10, 2010

Another Childless Mothers Day

Ever since about this time last year, I have been DREADING mothers day weekend. I thought it would be the worst weekend ever. I figured I would spend the whole weekend crying my eyes out. A few months ago, just the thought of mothers day made me cry and let out a string of not-so-christian words. It's been on my mind non stop for weeks. What's going to happen? How am I going to handle it? Will anyone say anything to me about it? Will they wish me a happy birth/mothers day? Or will everyone pretend I was never a mother?

Well, Mothers day weekend came and went, and I was actually very calm all weekend. No crying, no hysterics, no super pissy mood swings. I have no idea why I was so... relaxed. I wasn't exactly Mrs. Sunshine, there was a twinge of sadness here and there, but not much. Perhaps it's because Mothers Day has been hard for me for three years now, ever since I had my miscarriage in 2007. Maybe I am just getting used to it? I know Mothers Day of '08 was very hard for me. I cried and stayed to myself all weekend. Not only was it supposed to be my first Mothers Day, the miscarriage was still fresh in my mind, and everyone in my family pretended like it had never happened (they still do.) My grandmother went as far as to say, "Oh well, it's for the best." I promise you, if she had been anyone but my grandmother, I would have socked her in the face for that comment. I mean, how is it "for the best" when a child dies?

Months ago, probably in October, M and I had a conversation via email about what to expect from each other and for visits and holidays. I asked about the dreaded Mothers/Fathers Day, and she replied that they liked to keep those days for themselves. So I brought up birth Mothers/Fathers Day, which she had never even heard of. I told her it was one of the Saturdays before the Mothers/Fathers day holiday, and I would get back to her when I found out which one. Well, I never got back to her on that subject, so I figured she wouldn't remember it, or maybe just choose not to celebrate it at all. (I know that makes her sound really mean, but trust me, she isn't! It's just hard for me to not have a pessimistic view when it comes to Aparents. It's kinda like "if you expect the worst, you wont be let down" kinda thing. And it's not with just Aparents and adoption. I'm that way with almost everything.) Any way, I got all caught up thinking she wouldn't recognize me at all, and it made me really mad and I decided I wasn't going to do anything for her for Mothers Day unless she acknowledged me on Birth Mothers day (yeah, I know. Real mature, right? Trust me, it's hard for me to admit this to you all). Originally, I was going to do a whole little video/slide show for her of all of our visits from the past year, set to this awesome song I found called "From Gods arms, to my arms, to yours." It's set from a birth moms side and it's to the Adoptive mom. It's very sweet. Well, once I had it made up in my mind that she wasn't going to recognize me, I decided I wasn't going to do it. I mean, I didn't just trash the whole idea all together. I just figured that maybe I would do it for her birthday or something instead (and I probably will-I really like the idea).

Well Saturday I was cleaning up the house and my phone started ringing. It was M! I answered it right away,thinking maybe she was calling to finalize birthday plans for later this month. You want to know what I heard instead? "I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birth mothers day and let you know that you are appreciated....(and so on)" I couldn't believe it! One, I had temporarily forgotten it was birth mothers day, two, she had remembered! She even knew the right day and everything! We had a nice conversation, and she filled me in a little about what all has happened since our last talk (Unfortunately, both the boys seem to be coming down with something). The conversation left me feeling elated, and it coasted me through the rest of the day.

On Sunday I told my family I was working, even though I really wasn't. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle the whole Mothers Day thing, so I decided I would take some of the day to do whatever I wanted and use work as an excuse to not be with my family all day. That might sound horribly selfish, but what if I hadn't taken things so well? I wouldn't want to sit around with my family and let them watch me have an emotional break down. Especially because not all of them know about Robbie yet. So R and I went down to the Tanger outlets and did a little shopping, and then stopped by Taco Bell so I could get some of my beloved chicken chalupas. I spent the evening with my family, eating hot wings and Chinese (Yes, I know it's a random combination). Over all, it was a good weekend.

Of course, no one in my entire family wished me a happy Mothers Day or Birth Mothers Day. But that's where friends come in! I had four people wish me a happy Bmom day (M, and a few of my dear friends Heather, Jade, and Marilee), and five wished me a happy Mothers Day (my moms boyfriend, and then Heather, LauraAnn, Raymond, and R). Heather is an adoptive mom in an open adoption, and she sent me an email to wish me a happy birth mothers day. After doing so, she went on to explain that she and her husband don't celebrate their sons Bmom on Birth Mothers day, but instead they celebrate her on Mothers Day. I am going to copy down part of what she said, and I do hope she doesn't mind that I quoted her.

"After all, she is still his mother...just not his mom. Her love for him is no different than less than mine...and no less important than mine. So, for us, we celebrate her on Mother's Day as she deserves."

I couldn't have said it better myself. These are my exact feelings on how things should be. I honestly don't like Birth Mothers day. I feel as though it, in a way, cheapens things on our side. It makes us even less of a mother then we already are. It reinforces that feeling of being baby ovens and incubators. At least, it does with me. However, I realize that Birth Mothers day makes it possible for both mothers to be celebrated without any ones toes being stepped on, and no one has to share the spotlight. As I told Heather, I would rather be celebrated on Birth Mothers day then not at all :)

How do you feel about Mothers Day and Birth Mothers day? If you are a member of the adoption triad (or if you are a foster parent), how do you celebrate the weekend?

This is the song I plan to have as the background for the video/slide show. I wanted the video with Marie Osmond, but apparently it has been deleted so you will just have to settle for this. Enjoy :)

Friday, April 23, 2010

Worry (and other such things)

I believe there can be a lot of worry in an open adoption, on all sides. I know personally, that I worry ALL the time. I worry about how Robbie is doing, what he is doing, if he is ok. How will he turn out when he grows up? Will he hate R and I for placing him for adoption? Will he want us around? Will he love us? I also worry about my relationship with his A-parents, M and S. Am I asking for too much? Do they like me? Do they really want us around? Or are they just doing it out of some feeling of obligation to Robbie? A lot of times, I worry about offending them in some way, maybe by saying the wrong thing, or accidentally crossing some sort of line. I have this deep, personal need of approval from M and S. I feel like they HAVE to like me, and everything about me. That maybe if they really like me, then they will let me be in Robbie’s life even more. I feel like I have to be the "perfect birth mother". (By the way, could some one please tell me what all that entails? Because I sure as heck don't know!)

But on our last visit (which was the first week of this month), I began to realize that there are worries on their side as well. Now, I already know that A-parents have their own set of worries; I suppose it just didn't really click with me personally until this last visit. During the visit, Robbie was getting very fussy as it was nap time, but he wanted to stay sitting up right instead of letting S rock him to sleep on his shoulder (Usually, they let us put him to sleep while we are there, but he was VERY fussy this time). So M took him and said something along the lines of, "you just have to hold him down while rocking him" Which she proceeded to do until he fell asleep. As we were talking later, She said something like, "I'm sorry, I know it must be hard to see things like that, and it might seem mean and..." so on and so on. It took me a minute, but I realized, she was apologizing for it! Yeah, she kinda held him down, but guess what? It worked. He was asleep in 5 minutes. So obviously, she knew what she was doing. In my eyes, there was nothing to apologize for. But a few days later, I had the thought that maybe (I don't know for sure), she has the need/desire for mine and R's approval of her parenting (Which I do approve of, for the most part). My first thought after that was, "Well GOOD. She damn well better feel the need for our approval!" and then it quickly went to, "Wow... I can't believe she might actually feel that way. That would make me feel... Good. Like I picked the right family. Like I mattered."

I would say I don't know why I thought the first thought so quickly, but that would be a lie. I know exactly why. It came straight from the angry, resentful, jealous beast inside of me that I often find hard to control. I love M, I really do. But I have to admit, there are quite a few days that I struggle with hating her. Hating that she has MY child. Hating that SHE gets to be called mama, that she gets to hold him when he cries, and be on the receiving end of his kisses. Hating that she gets to be happy.. And even with all of that, I still adore her. I love how she is out going, funny, loud, and not afraid to say what’s on her mind. She is the entire reason I fell in love with them. The final factor in my picking them as The Family. She reminded me of myself. Or at least, who I used to be before all of this. I can hardly even recognize myself now. I'm so... jaded. (Just ask R, he would completely agree with me on this... lol)

Any way, all of this makes me wonder... Does M ever struggle with anything? I can't even make a list of possible struggles because I really have no idea what an adoptive parent could struggle with (besides things like bonding, which she has had NO problem with- He is a TOTAL mama’s boy). I wonder how she felt those first few weeks he was home. I wonder if she ever felt like he wasn't hers, like he was a stranger. I would like to ask her, but I suppose I don't yet have the kahunas to do so. Maybe one day?

Speaking of M... She texted me the other day! Robbie likes oatmeal again! He had banned it for some time (not surprised, I hate the stuff), as well as anything he couldn't pick up and put in his mouth on his own (hmm I have NO idea where that stubborn streak comes from...). Bad thing is, he has now banned veggies. This makes me terribly sad. I love veggies :(

Now... Off to brainstorm on first birthday gifts!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

11 Months

Today is April 20th. That means Robbie is 11 months old today, just one more month until he turns 1. One year ago, R and I were sitting in Catholic Charities, writing down what we wanted our sons A-parents to be like. Our "wish list" went something like this:

*At least 1 parent be college educated
*Inter-racial couple (Preferably a white-black couple, like us)
*Likes to travel
*Stay at home/work at home mom
*Have a supportive extended family/close knit family
*Already have one child (R wanted this one, I wasn't so sure)

I'm sure the list went on, but I can no longer remember everything on it, and I have misplaced it some where among the millions of adoption related papers in my desk. We were told that there may not be a family that matched every single specific on our list, but that they would try to get it as close as possible, even if that meant calling other agencies. We didn't expect to get everything on our list. But guess what? We did.

We looked at a grand total of two profiles. The first one was an older dominican couple, who both had adult children from previous marriages. They were ok, more of a last resort if we couldn't find anything better. As soon as we opened the second profile handed to us, we both started grinning from ear to ear. This was it! We found the family! The mom was white, the dad was black, and they had one almost three year old boy (J) whom they had also adopted(he was bi-racial, just like Robbie!). S was college educated, and M was a stay at home mom. They traveled often, and they had a large yet close knit family. They were everything we wanted. We couldn't believe we found a family that matched everything on our list! We gave the OK to set up a meeting.

A little over a week later, we met M, S, and J at the Catholic Charities office. I came prepared with a list of questions...

> Do you have plans to move?
> What are your religious beliefs, and do
> you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ?
> How much contact do you expect to have
> with us?
> What type of education do you want for
> your child?
> Do you have a savings plan for your
> children’s college?
> What are your hobbies, interests, and
> dreams for the future?
> How do you handle conflict?
> What are your beliefs about discipline?
> What kind of future do you see for your
> adopted child?
What makes your marriage work?

Which we discussed, and then some. I showed them the latest ultrasound picture of Robbie, we took a few pictures, exchanged hugs, and parted ways. As soon as we got outside, R and I started talking about how completely perfect they were, how we KNEW that they were "The Ones". We were excited. We were relieved. We were anxious.

It was a much happier time than now.

Happy 11 months, Robbie. We love you.


Related Posts with Thumbnails