Wednesday, May 11, 2011

The Most Perfect Mothers Day

Tuesday I went to traffic court for a speeding ticket. I had been pulled over doing 79 in a 55 in March, and I’d received a nice little letter telling me my license would be suspended on my court date (24 MPH over puts 4 points on your license in GA, and if you are under 21 and receive 4 points from a single infraction you loose your license for 6 months). I’d pretty much resigned myself to believing I would not be driving again until November, so imagine my surprise when the DA dropped my charges down to 68 in a 55; No suspension, no classes, it won’t even go on my record. As the DA said, the only way anyone will find out about this is if they are in the FBI (or if I blog about it lol). I paid my money and walked out of there a free woman! As soon as I had cell phone service again (we were in the middle of NOWHERE GA) I texted M to let her know the good news (not having a license would have made it extremely difficult to see her and Robbie). She called me and asked me if I could come up Friday to help her take pictures of the boys for a fathers day present she is putting together for S. She promised to make me breakfast as payment and I eagerly agreed. I mean come on, free breakfast and a day with awesome people? Who could refuse?!
I told JGG about my plans, and he graciously offered to let me use his Cannon Rebel as my digital camera’s shutter speed is no longer fast enough to keep up with Robbie (I’m happy to report I had absolutely zero blurry pictures from Friday! Thanks JGG!). I showed up Friday morning with an empty belly and armed with the Rebel, fully prepared to snap a ton of pictures of a super cute little boy. After I’d been there almost a half hour, I heard the door bell ring. I didn’t think much of it because M had mentioned her sister might come over and pick something up, so I went to answer the door fully expecting Meghan, and instead I saw H and William!!! I FREAKED OUT!  I started cracking up laughing and exclaiming, “Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! You guys had this planned all along!” M almost gave away the plans on accident when she texted me earlier in the week and sent a picture message of toys strewn across the floor with a text message saying “I JUST cleaned up and it already looks like this! You can tell H it really WAS clean at one point!” To which I replied that H wouldn’t mind what it looked like, and I asked if H was coming to her house anytime soon. She quickly backtracked and said that H was not coming over, but she knew she would eventually. Apparently eventually meant Friday!
They worked together to make me breakfast (French toast, scrambled eggs, bacon, etc) while I played with the boys. Back around Christmas, M had traced my hand print and told me she was going to use it for something later on. After we ate breakfast they presented me with a large frame and inside were my traced handprint and two smaller handprints inside of it. 

“Those are William’s and Robbie’s hand prints. Happy birth mothers and mothers day!” the told me. It was then I finally realized they did all of this just for me for mothers day, and my heart melted. I love my baby mamas with my whole heart. I am so incredibly blessed to have them in my life and to have the kind of relationship with them that I do. I couldn’t ask for anything more J
So to my baby mamas, THANK YOU for giving me the most perfect day EVER! I love you!

Saturday, April 30, 2011

My life's awesome, how's yours?

So life has been pretty awesome recently. Work has been great, the family has been great, I’ve met some awesome new friends, I got to spend Easter with Robbie and his family (yes- I got to help him find all of his easter eggs! Too cute!), and… I have a boyfriend :) I’m going to call him the Jolly Green Giant, which is very fitting as he is 6’6’’ (towering over my 5’3’’ frame). JGG and I met a year ago when my sister introduced us at an Angels and Airwaves concert. We all went to the same church, but I never really saw him because he does lighting/sound/video for the children’s ministry (it’s a big church). We saw each other a few more times over the summer, but other than sporadic facebook conversations, our paths didn’t cross again until March. We were both helping with the Atlanta Passion Play- He was doing techie stuff and I was helping with children. We started hanging out every weekend during the performances, and afterwards we would go out together with a group of friends. A few weeks ago he asked me if it would be possible for us to “spend more time together” and I agreed. We went bowling and then out for coffee and desert. We ended up talking for hours, and we had such a good time we went out again every day that week. I must say this relationship is far different from any I’ve ever been in before. There hasn’t been a single awkward silence or uncomfortable moment. Every time we are together things just flow so naturally. Then again, I’ve come into this relationship with a completely different mindset. I have been completely open and honest about everything, and so has he. As I said to him the other week, “I’ve been through too much crap to play games and pretend to be something I’m not. If you’re going to like me it might as well be the real me. Makes things a lot easier.” We don’t hold anything back; we don’t play any of those silly dating/guessing games. I don’t have to wonder what he’s thinking or how he feels about something, because I already know.
I told him about Robbie and William on our third date.
“I have something to tell you, it’s pretty big. I don’t know if you can handle it.”
“I can handle it, just try me.”
“Ok. I have two kids.”
*surprised look* “Alright, that’s fine.”
“I’m not raising them.”
*confused look* “Ok……”
“Due to financial constraints and lack of support, I placed them for adoption. It’s an open adoption, so I see them all the time. I just thought you should know what you are getting yourself into, since you are already telling people we are dating. I want you to know that if you are uncomfortable with what I’ve just told you that you can walk away right now, no hard feelings.”
“Why would I walk away for something like that? I think it’s amazing that not only did you decide to continue the pregnancies when you didn’t have to, but that you make an effort to still be in their lives.”
And you know what? He really meant what he said. Not only is he accepting of my life, but he takes a real interest in it. Every time I see the boys he always says things like, “How was your time with the family? What all did you do? Oh wow, I bet that was a lot of fun!” He actually reads my blog, he gushes right along with me about how my kids are the cutest kids in the entire world, and he actually likes listening to me talk about them. I would think that hearing your girlfriend drone on and on about the two kids she placed for adoption would possibly be uncomfortable or annoying. But you know what he said? “I love it when you talk about your kids. You just glow every time. It’s amazing to see.”  Not only does he know about my kids, but so does his family- and they are all SO accepting! His mom has read my blog too and she STILL likes me- It’s amazing! I couldn’t have asked for a better situation than the one I’ve ended up in (on a side note- I once wrote THIS post about how THIS video changed my life. It turns out JGG and his family were in that video! There's a really good close up of his step dad at 1:18. TOO COOL!).
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying this is going to last forever or anything, I’m not claiming he’s “The One”. It’s entirely too early for any kind of thoughts like that. However, as my friend Jade said the other day, “There are only two out comes to any relationship- Marriage, or breaking up- and you have to be prepared for either one.” I can honestly say I am fine with either out come. It would be totally cool to marry into a family that is so accepting of me and my life- but we’re young and so the chances of breaking up are far greater than the chances of marriage (and I don't want to be married anytime soon. I need a few more years lol). So knowing that it may end at anytime, I fully intend to completely enjoy this relationship for as long as it lasts J

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Blogger Spotlight!

While I have met so many amazing people through the online adoption world, there have been very few people that I have really connected with. I suppose part of that reason is that if I don't know you, I am pretty shy and guarded until I have the chance to warm up to you a bit. And then part of it was that I haven't found too many people with stories and lives similar to my own. Well that all changed when I came into contact with Heather. We started talking via email the other week after our counselor hooked us up (we placed through the same agency- Independent Adoption Center). Our counselor, Ashley, thought we might get along- boy was she right! We have so much in common- From our youngest boys both being named William, to planning to run the same 5K in May, and everything in between. As my sister said, "It's like some one put your life in a blender and gave it to her!" We also live in the same city, so it's fun to find out just how many times our paths might have crossed.
One thing we happen to have in common is blogging! I have never done a Spotlight post before, but I really think Heather deserves it. She just started blogging recently, but she already has a ton of posts! I love that everything she writes is so honest, and so real. She really doesn't put up any fronts when writing- what you see is what you get. I for one LOVE that kind of honesty! So, if you don't mind, pop on over to Heathers blog and show her a little love for me :) Click HERE

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Simply Perfect

Today we got everyone together for a cook out/picnic at a local park. When I say "everyone", I mean everyone! We had my mom and her boyfriend, my sister, my brother and his daughter; M, J, and Robbie; H, K, AW, and William- All in the same place at the same time! Unfortunately, S had to work and my sister in law wasn't feeling well, but other than that we had my entire immediate family there! I just couldn't believe that I had all of my favorite people together at the same time. Everything went so smoothly- All of the food turned out perfectly, everyone arrived on time, the weather was perfect, everyone got along wonderfully, and most amazingly- there was not a single melt down from any of the kids(or the adults, for that matter)!
The entire get together was so much fun. Everyone talked, laughed, ate, and took turns holding and playing with all of the different babies and children. AW and J instantly became BFF's- As soon as they introduced themselves to each other they were inseparable, and spent the rest of the day playing together and talking about their "baby brothers". Robbie went back and forth between tagging along with J and AW, hanging out with the adults and babies. My 10 month old niece absolutely adored William. She would wave to him, poke him(nicely, of course!), and "talk" to him every time she was near him. She was completely fascinated by him! 

There simply aren't words for how amazing today was, so instead, I'll just let the pictures do the talking for me...

 My siblings, my brothers daughter Alexandria, and William

                Greg and William

   AW playing with my niece, Alexandria

The group

  And again....
 My sister (holding our niece), my brother (holding William), me (holding Robbie)

   Getting into trouble :)

   It's true :) (you can buy this shirt HERE)

      M holding William
Little brother- Big brother
 AW & J -BFF's

 The boys
       Being saucy- He comes by it naturally

              Trying to run away with my sweet tea
My boys!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Debbie Downer

The agency I used to place William has a picnic every year. It’s open to all members of the triad. I love that they include everyone! Catholic Charities used to do a yearly get together of sorts, and while birth parents we allowed to come, we weren’t actually invited. We only knew about it because of our child’s adoptive parents. Anyway, this picnic is something I have really been looking forward to! Not only was it going to be fun to hang out with William and his family, I was going to be able to meet a few of my birth mom friends face-to-face, and of course I was excited about meeting even more birth parents and networking a bit. Originally, H and I were going to attend a mini adoption conference in the morning and then attend the picnic with everyone in the afternoon. I have just now found out that H and K will be taking the boys out of town that weekend to do something for AW’s birthday instead. Everything is already booked. I guess it’s a good thing I hadn’t bought my ticket to the conference yet…
Honestly, I’m quite upset. I have been looking forward to this weekend quite a bit, and I was even more excited when I found out a new birth mom friend of mine would be attending with her birth child’s family. I know it’s just a stupid picnic, it’s not like this was going to be my only time to see William and his family- I get to see him just about every week- and I know I can make plans to meet up with my first mom friends some other time, but I guess I was just really excited about this. I guess I could still go to the picnic, but I really don’t want to go by myself. I don’t want to be some random birth mom sitting off by myself, and I don’t want to intrude on anyone else’s time with their families. It would be awkward to go by myself. So I probably won’t go.
I feel like a spoiled child who is sulking because she hasn’t gotten her way, but no matter what I do I just can’t lift myself out of this funky mood I am now in. Anything I do with my boys and their families is very important to me. They basically out rank everything and everyone else. I do not cancel on them unless I absolutely have to. I do everything in my power make sure I am available when I say I will be available.
I guess part of the reason I get so upset, even depressed, whenever a get together is canceled is because it feels as though they do not view our get togethers with the same importance. I know it’s not true, I know our plans are important to all of them, but it seems as though it’s so much easier for them to cancel something. I guess I am much more emotionally invested then they are. It’s not a big deal to them because we’ll just get together another time or go to the picnic another year. But a cancellation is devastating to me. Every time it happens, I’m in a bad mood all day, sometimes quite a few days. I don’t feel like talking to anyone or doing anything. I just want to sulk in a room by myself and eat a bunch of stuff that’s completely horrible for me. It doesn’t help that I was supposed to see both Robbie and William this week, but due to conflicting schedules neither visit is going to work out. Ughh… I wish I could go sulk and continue to be Debbie Downer, but I have to go attend a defensive driving class instead. Note to self: Always stop completely at every stop sign. 

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Damn Straight


This is something I did not expect. While I am a true Florida Gator fan, I am also a realist. In my bracket, I had BYU beating Florida and passing on all the way to my final 8. I do not care for BYU, but like I said, I am a realist. Needless to say, I am ECSTATIC right now.

FLORIDA WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh it is great to be a Florida Gator :)


So recently I've been watching the show Dexter. Its characters are pretty f’d up. Anyway, the main character is a serial killer who just so happens to have been adopted from foster care.
In an episode I just watched (season 1 episode 9) Dexter receives an envelope through certified mail. Turns out, some guy has died and has listed Dexter as his son (and heir). Problem is, Dexter’s dad supposedly died decades ago, at least that’s what his foster dad told him. He goes to check things out and ends up having a DNA test done to prove once and for all if the man truly was his father (the guy hadn’t been buried yet, obviously. Oh, and the test was positive). His foster/adoptive sister finds out about it, and she FREAKS OUT. She goes on and on about how this guy (Dexter’s bio dad) isn’t even family and the fact that Dexter had the test done means that Dexter doubted their father and that Dexter, for some reason, cares about this man (his bio father) and that he shouldn’t care about him or try to find out anything about him. By trying to find out more about his biological father, Dexter, in her eyes, is betraying their family.
What a very real scenario (well, aside from the whole secret serial killer part). Too often an adoptee is discouraged and down right forbidden from seeking out their birth family. Even if they are only looking for information and not a relationship, quite often, their adoptive family feels threatened by it. While I can come up with a few possible reasons as to why this might be, none of them are very reasonable. They all seem to center on the personal feelings, doubts, and fears of the adoptive family- not what may or may not be best for the adoptee, or what the adoptee may desire.
It is completely normal for someone to ponder their roots, their origin. If it weren’t, we wouldn’t have shows like “Who Do You Think You Are?” or websites like We wouldn’t have school projects that involve making a family tree, and we  wouldn’t have to fill in the bubble next to our appropriate race when filling out a census or completing a standardized test. But the reality is that we do in fact do these things, because we all wonder about our family history. Why? Because it’s normal, and it matters. I mean dang, I wonder what my dog is mixed with, I couldn't imagine not knowing the history of my child.
So why is it such a horrible thing for an adoptee to seek out their origins? Can some one PLEASE give me just two GOOD reasons as to why this is a horrible thing- Two reasons that are centered on the adoptee and not the adoptive or birth families? Can anyone come up with two reasons? I sure as hell can’t, but I’d love to hear your reasons, if you’ve got any J

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Never Good Enough

You know some thing I am starting to hate? That line, “My baby deserves so much more than I can give him/her.” I can understand that line and the thinking that goes along with it. I understand that when you are young/uneducated/unmarried/poor/in an abusive situation/etc, you want your child to have better than you can give them. It’s natural to desire the best in everything for your child.
This line of thinking is often one of the leading forces behind a woman (and man) surrendering their child for adoption. We tell ourselves (and are told by others) that we are not good enough, that the life we can give them isn’t good enough. After relinquishing, people try to comfort us by saying things like, “He has a better life now. You did what was right. He has everything he could ever want or need.” And eventually we try to comfort ourselves with the same words, telling ourselves over and over that we did the “right” thing until we start believing it.
You don’t realize it right away, but those “comforting” words really screw you up psychologically. They sow the seeds of worthlessness deep into your soul, so that when you do have children that you parent, you struggle with the belief that you are not good enough for them. For the 3-4 weeks I parented William, I struggled constantly with feelings that I wasn’t enough. When ever I took him out in public, I had the fear that everyone around me was judging me. I felt like everyone was thinking the same thing, “That girl has no idea what she is doing. She is a horrible mother. She doesn’t even deserve the title of Mother.” Of course I know that none of those things are true. I knew very well what I was doing, and I handled the demands of parenting like a pro. I wasn’t a horrible mother at all. Even though I knew all of this, I still struggled with feelings of worthlessness. For so long I had not been “enough” for my children, how could I possibly be enough now?
Even now I struggle with these feelings. I know for a fact that if I wanted to go pick up William and take him some where by myself, I could. Yet I am terrified that if I do, something will happen that I can not handle on my own. I know this is ludicrous, because I know exactly what I am doing. I have a sh*t ton of experience with children. In addition to parenting William on my own, there’s baby sitting my 9 month old niece, volunteering with a preschool, countless baby sitting jobs, working in the church nursery, working in a day camp for young children, and being the sole caretaker of my foster nephew when he was 1-2 years old. I am completely comfortable in caring for children. Yet when it comes to Robbie and William, my own flesh and blood, I fear that I am not capable enough to care for them.
How screwed up is that? 

Can't Let Go

Ever been surrounded by a ton of people, yet still be completely alone?
That’s how it was for me during my hospital stay with William. Every day we were in the hospital our room was crowded with R’s family members (and his b*tch). I was surrounded by this big group of people that I didn’t want to have anything to do with. I had no privacy, I wasn’t able to get any rest, and I was constantly stressed. Ever try breast feeding/working with a lactation consultant with a big a$$ group of people in the room? Yeah, not fun.
M was able to come visit once, my mom was only able to come visit in the evenings due to her work schedule, her boyfriend (who will be my stepfather eventually) was sick with the flu and therefore couldn’t come visit at all, my brother was busy with his work and family, and my sister didn’t yet know. I had no support system.
I suppose that might be part of the reason I had H and K visit so much. They were the only people who could come on a regular basis who actually supported ME. They didn’t talk shit to me or about me, they didn’t bring unwanted guests, they didn’t over stay their welcome (actually, they didn’t stay as long as I would have liked. They wanted Will and I to have time alone, which I love, but I wasn’t really getting much alone time with him), and they left me with a smile on my face instead of a need for more Tylenol.
I wish I could look back on our time in the hospital with nothing but fond memories, but I can’t. Every time I think about it I get a huge stress headache and I become so incensed with the treatment I received from R and his family that I just want to PUNCH A FREAKING WALL! (Or R, his mother, and his b*tch. Any or all three would suffice, plus I wouldn’t have to fix the dry wall. Hmm…). They completely ruined that time for me; that special time when a mother and child bond and get to know each other. They ruined it, and I don’t think that is something I will ever be able to get over. I don’t think I will ever be able to let it go and forgive them for it. Not anytime soon. 


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