Sunday, June 27, 2010

My Baby Mama

Last week, I bought the boys this AWESOME sprinkler set. It has three parts; a turtle wade pool, an elephant that shoots water out of its nose, and a giraffe that has an arch of water you can run under. It was half off at Walmart, and I just knew they would love it! Especially Robbie, as his favorite thing to do is swim/play in water. I text M about it as soon as I bought it, and decided we would get together in August and I would give it to them then (July is just way too busy for all of us, and I’m not paying to ship that heavy thing!).

Well on Thursday I went to a friend’s softball game, and I realized the park was maybe ten or fifteen minutes from M and S’s house (We live almost an hour apart, so this is a big deal). I was going to be up there again the next night, so I made plans with M to meet for coffee or something so I could give her the set and we could catch up (cause you know, every mom needs a night off!). It was after bedtime, so the boys didn’t join us.

We had a great time, of course! As always, we talked about everything under the sun (Robbie can walk up AND down the stairs all by himself now!). As we were talking, the topic of how the boy’s names were chosen came up. Now, you all already know from a former post how I originally felt about his “real” name (which I will not ever post here, sorry.). If you haven’t read the post yet, I hated it! I couldn’t believe they had chosen that name. It just didn’t fit him. It was like trying to wear a shoe that was six sizes too big. It just wasn’t “him”.

Well, M told me last night that maybe three weeks after they announced his name, S said to her, “You know, I don’t think I like the name *****.” And three months after he was named she looked at him and said, “You really don’t look like a *****.” But this was the name that had been chosen and announced to the world, so it was a little late to go back and change things! When she told me this I just died laughing. I told her again how I had absolutely hated his name and it really took a lot of effort for me to become accustomed to it (it also helped that he shares the name with my late grandfather, and he looks just like him!).

I guess the whole point of this post, is that I can honestly call M a friend. She isn’t just my “baby’s mama” that I talk to only for information on my son. I don’t meet up with her only to see my son. I actually have a relationship with her, and I can call her up to talk to her about boys or my crazy family, or to talk about some awesome sale I found. Though our relationship was started by adoption, it’s not only about adoption. She is some one I would actually be friends with even if she wasn’t the mother to my son. Back when I first met them last May, I imagined what our relationship would one day look like. I hoped that we would be close friends, who could get together randomly for lunch or coffee, go on vacations together, and so on. And you know what? I honestly believe that is exactly where our relationship is going.

I am truly blessed. And baby mama, if you read this, I love you!

Sunday, June 20, 2010


Abortion is a pretty controversial topic. I don't want to get anyone riled up, and I don't need anyone throwing bible verses at me. Trust me, I know the bible. I believe the bible. I just want to express how placing my son for adoption has changed my views on abortion. After all, this is MY blog. The whole point of this thing is to write down my story, and this is part of it.

Before placing Robbie, I was pro-life. I wasn't totally pro-life though, meaning that I felt termination was acceptable in certain situations. Such as;
-Saving the mothers life

Now that I have placed Robbie for adoption, things have changed. I'm not going to say I'm completely pro-choice, but I'm not completely pro-life. I'm not going to march in pro-choice rallies or convince people it's better to kill their unborn babies. Nor am I going to march in pro-life rallies and condemn the women who choose abortion ("Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the same measure you use, it will be measured back to you" Matthew chapter 7, verse 1-2. Now THERE'S a bible verse for ya).

All I'm saying is that if some one were to choose abortion over adoption, I would completely understand. I would not judge them. I would not try to sway them one way or the other. I would share my experience with them, and share with them facts about adoption and abortion (this is assuming parenting is not an option). If they were to end up choosing abortion, then that is their decision. I would support them no matter what they decided.

Having talked with several birth moms who have both placed and terminated, I can say that I honestly believe abortion is the easier decision. In no way am I saying it is the "right" decision (though it may be for them), but is by far the less painful option. Now, I know that having an abortion has it's risks, one of them being life long depression and guilt. I used to volunteer at a pregnancy resource center, and we had countless women who were struggling with depression and guilt for abortions they'd had in the past. Some of them were struggling with it still thirty years later. However, this is not the case for every person who has an abortion.

After speaking with several birth moms who have chosen both adoption and abortion, every single one has agreed wholeheartedly that abortion was/is easier than placing a child for adoption. This isn't to say they wish they had aborted their placed children instead of carrying to term and relinquishing them, of course not. They all love their birth children very much, and are happy they chose life for them. They just know they wouldn't have as much pain if they had chosen abortion.

Abortion is something you can gain closure from. It's something you can move on from, and leave in your past. Adoption is completely different. While you can gain a certain amount of closure with adoption, it is never something you can completely heal from. There are so many things that rip open that wound; birthdays, holidays, hearing your child call some one else "mommy", etc. You can't move on from adoption. You can move forward, but you cant move past it. Adoption will always affect your life in multiple ways. It's not something you can "forget" about, contrary to popular belief.

Pro-lifers get so caught up in fighting against abortion, that they don't really help to provide a better alternative. Sure, they say, "You can parent, or choose adoption!" but that's all. They don't try to make it easier for single parents. In fact, a lot of times they make it harder. A lot of pro-lifers are against people being on welfare. Well, how the heck do you expect a young, single mother with little education, to parent a child successfully with no money or government assistance? Sure, they say "Get a job!" but most mothers DO get a job. In fact, they get MULTIPLE jobs. Sometimes though, it's still not enough.

As for adoption, they think it's a wonderful decision. They praise the mother to be for choosing adoption. "Oh, what a selfless decision! This really is what's best for the baby!" but as soon as the papers are signed and the baby is taken from her, they forget all about her and focus completely on the adoptive parents. "How selfless of you to adopt this child! Think of what a horrible life this child would have had if you hadn't of swooped in and saved them!" Cause you know, adoptive parents are just the saviors of the freaking world, and birth mothers are drug addicted whores who don't care about their children and should have never opened their legs in the first place.

And then they wonder why women don't want to choose adoption. Perhaps if they fought as hard for adoption reform as they do against abortion, more women would choose adoption over abortion. Perhaps if they fought for better support for single parents like they have in Australia, more women would choose single parenting over abortion.

Maybe people should stop throwing stones and casting judgment, and start working on making the alternatives better.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Work in progress...

Blogger has made some changes that are affecting the appearance of my blog. So I've decided to redo the whole thing. Please bear with me while I slowly make these changes. I promise, it won't be tacky like this for long!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

As Nike Says, Just Do It!

I mentioned previously that M and S have not told the boys about their being adopted. Yet. I absolutely and completely disagree with this. When we had our first meeting, R and I were told the boys would “grow up” knowing they were adopted. Silly us, we assumed that meant they would ALWAYS know. Apparently it means they will grow up a little, be told, and then continue growing up knowing. It is probably my only point of contention with M. I have some how, by the grace of God, been able to hold my tongue about this (for the most part. She does know that I do not agree with this). I say “by the grace of God” because I have a hard time not telling people how I feel about something. I am pretty opinionated, and I am not afraid to share my view/feelings/thoughts/opinions on things, especially things that really matter to me.

Someone once wrote, “A child should never feel like they are hearing about their life for the first time.”

Need I say anything else? I should think not, but I will anyway.

I first found out the boys wouldn’t know about their adoption any time soon way back in October (6 months after I placed Robbie), after Robbie’s first (and so far only) visit with his biological half sister Z. Unfortunately, M spoke with their pediatrician back when they were first adopting J, and she told them that “Children are not really emotionally ready to learn about their adoption experience until the age of five.”
The age of FIVE. Basically, she was telling me my son would have no idea who I was for 4 ½ more years. Now let’s think about this. First of all, is this woman a child psychologist? No. She is a freaking pediatrician. Does this woman have any experience with adoption? No again. Has she been trained in adoption, and it’s affects on adoptees? One more time, NO. So don’t you think that maybe she should keep her ideas of what children are emotionally ready for to her self, and stick with telling parents how tall their kids are going to be? Yes, I believe so. I mean, would you ask a plastic surgeon his advice on how to properly perform a kidney transplant? I sure as heck hope not!

I want so badly to send this woman a ton of books on open adoption, adoptees, etc. How ever, this could be seen as stalker-ish, so I will try to refrain from doing so. Honestly though, you would think that as a professional who now has at least two adoptees on her list of patients, she would do some research! It’s kind of her job, in my opinion. With out research, how can she offer them the best care?

Enough about the pediatrician though. Everyone knows the main issue is how this will impact the boys. Did any of you grow up believing in Santa Claus? Do you remember the crushing, devastating feeling when you found out Santa wasn’t real? That he was all made up? I bet you felt lied to, maybe a little betrayed, and definitely sad. Perhaps it planted a seed of distrust against your parents. I mean, they had lied about Santa Claus, what else could they be lying about? Now take all of those feelings, and magnify them by about 1000000. That’s how you would feel finding out about your life for the first time. “What? You aren’t my mommy? I didn’t grow in your tummy? I have a sister? So you mean, those people who randomly visit me and tell me they love me are my biological parents? I have a whole other family?”
Finding all this out for the first time will be confusing, devastating, and just plain HARD. I mean, could you imagine growing up thinking the sky was orange, and then one day you find out that it’s really blue? You would probably start to question other things in life. What else isn’t true? What else am I being lied to about? You may stop trusting the things people tell you. You may become resentful. Something like this could change you for life, and not in a good way.

How ever, let’s say you grew up like I did. You always knew Santa wasn’t real. He was just something that added to the fun of Christmas. You took pictures with him at the mall, you baked cookies for him on Christmas Eve, knowing it was really your dad who was going to eat them. You always knew that the sky was blue, the grass was green, and the Florida Gators were the best SEC football team (haha! Just had to throw that in there). These things were normal for you. They were part of every day life, they were common knowledge. It was no big deal! It was all a normal part of your life.

If a child grows up knowing something, that is their normal. They will be able to handle it. We need to realize that these kids are a lot smarter than we think, and they are capable of a LOT. We need to give them more credit. Hiding something, anything, from someone is NEVER a good idea. It doesn’t matter who or what it is. The truth will come out. It always does.

So if you are an adoptive parent and you haven’t told your child they are adopted yet, tell them. There is no right moment to do it. Don’t waste time waiting for that “right moment”, because it will never come. There is never a right moment to tell some one about their life for the first time. The only right time, is the day they come into your home.

So as Nike says, just do it!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Alone, with a lot of hate.

I hate how I always feel like I'm asking for too much from my sons adoptive parents.

I hate how I can't support R through his breakdown like he supported me through mine.

I hate how emotionally numb I am.

I hate how much I've pulled away from friends in the last year. So much so, that when I finally do want to hang out, no one is around because they've all moved on in their lives with new friends and the people who are still around do not live in a close proximity to my home.

I hate the lack of post placement support from my agency. I feel like I've been hung out to dry. Oh, we sold your baby! We don't need you anymore!

I hate how my mom doesn't understand, won't ever understand, and doesn't have any desire to understand. "why are you so upset?" why do you freaking think, mom? Cause it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm grieving my son, my baby boy.

I hate ignorant, self centered teenagers who get to raise their babies. You are yelling at your toddler that he is an idiot, in front of strangers. What the hell kind of parent are you? Oh right, a lousy one. I also hate the little girls who have babies only to have the girls mother or aunt or cousin raise them. They carry the kid around like lap dogs in a purse until the kid starts crying, and they promptly hand it over to their mother/aunt/cousin.

I hate how people assume I wouldn't make a good mother because I placed my son for adoption. I know for a fact I would have made a great mother.

I hate that I worry I won't ever have another child. I've already had one miscarriage, what if I only got lucky with Robbie? And I gave him away?

I hate dreaming that I'm holding my son close to my chest and telling him I love him, and having him hold me back, only to wake up in the middle of the night to realize it was only a dream. That my son isn't here, my arms only ache to hold him, and I am alone.


Related Posts with Thumbnails