Wednesday, May 11, 2011

The Most Perfect Mothers Day

Tuesday I went to traffic court for a speeding ticket. I had been pulled over doing 79 in a 55 in March, and I’d received a nice little letter telling me my license would be suspended on my court date (24 MPH over puts 4 points on your license in GA, and if you are under 21 and receive 4 points from a single infraction you loose your license for 6 months). I’d pretty much resigned myself to believing I would not be driving again until November, so imagine my surprise when the DA dropped my charges down to 68 in a 55; No suspension, no classes, it won’t even go on my record. As the DA said, the only way anyone will find out about this is if they are in the FBI (or if I blog about it lol). I paid my money and walked out of there a free woman! As soon as I had cell phone service again (we were in the middle of NOWHERE GA) I texted M to let her know the good news (not having a license would have made it extremely difficult to see her and Robbie). She called me and asked me if I could come up Friday to help her take pictures of the boys for a fathers day present she is putting together for S. She promised to make me breakfast as payment and I eagerly agreed. I mean come on, free breakfast and a day with awesome people? Who could refuse?!
I told JGG about my plans, and he graciously offered to let me use his Cannon Rebel as my digital camera’s shutter speed is no longer fast enough to keep up with Robbie (I’m happy to report I had absolutely zero blurry pictures from Friday! Thanks JGG!). I showed up Friday morning with an empty belly and armed with the Rebel, fully prepared to snap a ton of pictures of a super cute little boy. After I’d been there almost a half hour, I heard the door bell ring. I didn’t think much of it because M had mentioned her sister might come over and pick something up, so I went to answer the door fully expecting Meghan, and instead I saw H and William!!! I FREAKED OUT!  I started cracking up laughing and exclaiming, “Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! You guys had this planned all along!” M almost gave away the plans on accident when she texted me earlier in the week and sent a picture message of toys strewn across the floor with a text message saying “I JUST cleaned up and it already looks like this! You can tell H it really WAS clean at one point!” To which I replied that H wouldn’t mind what it looked like, and I asked if H was coming to her house anytime soon. She quickly backtracked and said that H was not coming over, but she knew she would eventually. Apparently eventually meant Friday!
They worked together to make me breakfast (French toast, scrambled eggs, bacon, etc) while I played with the boys. Back around Christmas, M had traced my hand print and told me she was going to use it for something later on. After we ate breakfast they presented me with a large frame and inside were my traced handprint and two smaller handprints inside of it. 

“Those are William’s and Robbie’s hand prints. Happy birth mothers and mothers day!” the told me. It was then I finally realized they did all of this just for me for mothers day, and my heart melted. I love my baby mamas with my whole heart. I am so incredibly blessed to have them in my life and to have the kind of relationship with them that I do. I couldn’t ask for anything more J
So to my baby mamas, THANK YOU for giving me the most perfect day EVER! I love you!

Saturday, April 30, 2011

My life's awesome, how's yours?

So life has been pretty awesome recently. Work has been great, the family has been great, I’ve met some awesome new friends, I got to spend Easter with Robbie and his family (yes- I got to help him find all of his easter eggs! Too cute!), and… I have a boyfriend :) I’m going to call him the Jolly Green Giant, which is very fitting as he is 6’6’’ (towering over my 5’3’’ frame). JGG and I met a year ago when my sister introduced us at an Angels and Airwaves concert. We all went to the same church, but I never really saw him because he does lighting/sound/video for the children’s ministry (it’s a big church). We saw each other a few more times over the summer, but other than sporadic facebook conversations, our paths didn’t cross again until March. We were both helping with the Atlanta Passion Play- He was doing techie stuff and I was helping with children. We started hanging out every weekend during the performances, and afterwards we would go out together with a group of friends. A few weeks ago he asked me if it would be possible for us to “spend more time together” and I agreed. We went bowling and then out for coffee and desert. We ended up talking for hours, and we had such a good time we went out again every day that week. I must say this relationship is far different from any I’ve ever been in before. There hasn’t been a single awkward silence or uncomfortable moment. Every time we are together things just flow so naturally. Then again, I’ve come into this relationship with a completely different mindset. I have been completely open and honest about everything, and so has he. As I said to him the other week, “I’ve been through too much crap to play games and pretend to be something I’m not. If you’re going to like me it might as well be the real me. Makes things a lot easier.” We don’t hold anything back; we don’t play any of those silly dating/guessing games. I don’t have to wonder what he’s thinking or how he feels about something, because I already know.
I told him about Robbie and William on our third date.
“I have something to tell you, it’s pretty big. I don’t know if you can handle it.”
“I can handle it, just try me.”
“Ok. I have two kids.”
*surprised look* “Alright, that’s fine.”
“I’m not raising them.”
*confused look* “Ok……”
“Due to financial constraints and lack of support, I placed them for adoption. It’s an open adoption, so I see them all the time. I just thought you should know what you are getting yourself into, since you are already telling people we are dating. I want you to know that if you are uncomfortable with what I’ve just told you that you can walk away right now, no hard feelings.”
“Why would I walk away for something like that? I think it’s amazing that not only did you decide to continue the pregnancies when you didn’t have to, but that you make an effort to still be in their lives.”
And you know what? He really meant what he said. Not only is he accepting of my life, but he takes a real interest in it. Every time I see the boys he always says things like, “How was your time with the family? What all did you do? Oh wow, I bet that was a lot of fun!” He actually reads my blog, he gushes right along with me about how my kids are the cutest kids in the entire world, and he actually likes listening to me talk about them. I would think that hearing your girlfriend drone on and on about the two kids she placed for adoption would possibly be uncomfortable or annoying. But you know what he said? “I love it when you talk about your kids. You just glow every time. It’s amazing to see.”  Not only does he know about my kids, but so does his family- and they are all SO accepting! His mom has read my blog too and she STILL likes me- It’s amazing! I couldn’t have asked for a better situation than the one I’ve ended up in (on a side note- I once wrote THIS post about how THIS video changed my life. It turns out JGG and his family were in that video! There's a really good close up of his step dad at 1:18. TOO COOL!).
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying this is going to last forever or anything, I’m not claiming he’s “The One”. It’s entirely too early for any kind of thoughts like that. However, as my friend Jade said the other day, “There are only two out comes to any relationship- Marriage, or breaking up- and you have to be prepared for either one.” I can honestly say I am fine with either out come. It would be totally cool to marry into a family that is so accepting of me and my life- but we’re young and so the chances of breaking up are far greater than the chances of marriage (and I don't want to be married anytime soon. I need a few more years lol). So knowing that it may end at anytime, I fully intend to completely enjoy this relationship for as long as it lasts J

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Blogger Spotlight!

While I have met so many amazing people through the online adoption world, there have been very few people that I have really connected with. I suppose part of that reason is that if I don't know you, I am pretty shy and guarded until I have the chance to warm up to you a bit. And then part of it was that I haven't found too many people with stories and lives similar to my own. Well that all changed when I came into contact with Heather. We started talking via email the other week after our counselor hooked us up (we placed through the same agency- Independent Adoption Center). Our counselor, Ashley, thought we might get along- boy was she right! We have so much in common- From our youngest boys both being named William, to planning to run the same 5K in May, and everything in between. As my sister said, "It's like some one put your life in a blender and gave it to her!" We also live in the same city, so it's fun to find out just how many times our paths might have crossed.
One thing we happen to have in common is blogging! I have never done a Spotlight post before, but I really think Heather deserves it. She just started blogging recently, but she already has a ton of posts! I love that everything she writes is so honest, and so real. She really doesn't put up any fronts when writing- what you see is what you get. I for one LOVE that kind of honesty! So, if you don't mind, pop on over to Heathers blog and show her a little love for me :) Click HERE

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Simply Perfect

Today we got everyone together for a cook out/picnic at a local park. When I say "everyone", I mean everyone! We had my mom and her boyfriend, my sister, my brother and his daughter; M, J, and Robbie; H, K, AW, and William- All in the same place at the same time! Unfortunately, S had to work and my sister in law wasn't feeling well, but other than that we had my entire immediate family there! I just couldn't believe that I had all of my favorite people together at the same time. Everything went so smoothly- All of the food turned out perfectly, everyone arrived on time, the weather was perfect, everyone got along wonderfully, and most amazingly- there was not a single melt down from any of the kids(or the adults, for that matter)!
The entire get together was so much fun. Everyone talked, laughed, ate, and took turns holding and playing with all of the different babies and children. AW and J instantly became BFF's- As soon as they introduced themselves to each other they were inseparable, and spent the rest of the day playing together and talking about their "baby brothers". Robbie went back and forth between tagging along with J and AW, hanging out with the adults and babies. My 10 month old niece absolutely adored William. She would wave to him, poke him(nicely, of course!), and "talk" to him every time she was near him. She was completely fascinated by him! 

There simply aren't words for how amazing today was, so instead, I'll just let the pictures do the talking for me...

 My siblings, my brothers daughter Alexandria, and William

                Greg and William

   AW playing with my niece, Alexandria

The group

  And again....
 My sister (holding our niece), my brother (holding William), me (holding Robbie)

   Getting into trouble :)

   It's true :) (you can buy this shirt HERE)

      M holding William
Little brother- Big brother
 AW & J -BFF's

 The boys
       Being saucy- He comes by it naturally

              Trying to run away with my sweet tea
My boys!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Debbie Downer

The agency I used to place William has a picnic every year. It’s open to all members of the triad. I love that they include everyone! Catholic Charities used to do a yearly get together of sorts, and while birth parents we allowed to come, we weren’t actually invited. We only knew about it because of our child’s adoptive parents. Anyway, this picnic is something I have really been looking forward to! Not only was it going to be fun to hang out with William and his family, I was going to be able to meet a few of my birth mom friends face-to-face, and of course I was excited about meeting even more birth parents and networking a bit. Originally, H and I were going to attend a mini adoption conference in the morning and then attend the picnic with everyone in the afternoon. I have just now found out that H and K will be taking the boys out of town that weekend to do something for AW’s birthday instead. Everything is already booked. I guess it’s a good thing I hadn’t bought my ticket to the conference yet…
Honestly, I’m quite upset. I have been looking forward to this weekend quite a bit, and I was even more excited when I found out a new birth mom friend of mine would be attending with her birth child’s family. I know it’s just a stupid picnic, it’s not like this was going to be my only time to see William and his family- I get to see him just about every week- and I know I can make plans to meet up with my first mom friends some other time, but I guess I was just really excited about this. I guess I could still go to the picnic, but I really don’t want to go by myself. I don’t want to be some random birth mom sitting off by myself, and I don’t want to intrude on anyone else’s time with their families. It would be awkward to go by myself. So I probably won’t go.
I feel like a spoiled child who is sulking because she hasn’t gotten her way, but no matter what I do I just can’t lift myself out of this funky mood I am now in. Anything I do with my boys and their families is very important to me. They basically out rank everything and everyone else. I do not cancel on them unless I absolutely have to. I do everything in my power make sure I am available when I say I will be available.
I guess part of the reason I get so upset, even depressed, whenever a get together is canceled is because it feels as though they do not view our get togethers with the same importance. I know it’s not true, I know our plans are important to all of them, but it seems as though it’s so much easier for them to cancel something. I guess I am much more emotionally invested then they are. It’s not a big deal to them because we’ll just get together another time or go to the picnic another year. But a cancellation is devastating to me. Every time it happens, I’m in a bad mood all day, sometimes quite a few days. I don’t feel like talking to anyone or doing anything. I just want to sulk in a room by myself and eat a bunch of stuff that’s completely horrible for me. It doesn’t help that I was supposed to see both Robbie and William this week, but due to conflicting schedules neither visit is going to work out. Ughh… I wish I could go sulk and continue to be Debbie Downer, but I have to go attend a defensive driving class instead. Note to self: Always stop completely at every stop sign. 

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Damn Straight


This is something I did not expect. While I am a true Florida Gator fan, I am also a realist. In my bracket, I had BYU beating Florida and passing on all the way to my final 8. I do not care for BYU, but like I said, I am a realist. Needless to say, I am ECSTATIC right now.

FLORIDA WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh it is great to be a Florida Gator :)


So recently I've been watching the show Dexter. Its characters are pretty f’d up. Anyway, the main character is a serial killer who just so happens to have been adopted from foster care.
In an episode I just watched (season 1 episode 9) Dexter receives an envelope through certified mail. Turns out, some guy has died and has listed Dexter as his son (and heir). Problem is, Dexter’s dad supposedly died decades ago, at least that’s what his foster dad told him. He goes to check things out and ends up having a DNA test done to prove once and for all if the man truly was his father (the guy hadn’t been buried yet, obviously. Oh, and the test was positive). His foster/adoptive sister finds out about it, and she FREAKS OUT. She goes on and on about how this guy (Dexter’s bio dad) isn’t even family and the fact that Dexter had the test done means that Dexter doubted their father and that Dexter, for some reason, cares about this man (his bio father) and that he shouldn’t care about him or try to find out anything about him. By trying to find out more about his biological father, Dexter, in her eyes, is betraying their family.
What a very real scenario (well, aside from the whole secret serial killer part). Too often an adoptee is discouraged and down right forbidden from seeking out their birth family. Even if they are only looking for information and not a relationship, quite often, their adoptive family feels threatened by it. While I can come up with a few possible reasons as to why this might be, none of them are very reasonable. They all seem to center on the personal feelings, doubts, and fears of the adoptive family- not what may or may not be best for the adoptee, or what the adoptee may desire.
It is completely normal for someone to ponder their roots, their origin. If it weren’t, we wouldn’t have shows like “Who Do You Think You Are?” or websites like We wouldn’t have school projects that involve making a family tree, and we  wouldn’t have to fill in the bubble next to our appropriate race when filling out a census or completing a standardized test. But the reality is that we do in fact do these things, because we all wonder about our family history. Why? Because it’s normal, and it matters. I mean dang, I wonder what my dog is mixed with, I couldn't imagine not knowing the history of my child.
So why is it such a horrible thing for an adoptee to seek out their origins? Can some one PLEASE give me just two GOOD reasons as to why this is a horrible thing- Two reasons that are centered on the adoptee and not the adoptive or birth families? Can anyone come up with two reasons? I sure as hell can’t, but I’d love to hear your reasons, if you’ve got any J

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Never Good Enough

You know some thing I am starting to hate? That line, “My baby deserves so much more than I can give him/her.” I can understand that line and the thinking that goes along with it. I understand that when you are young/uneducated/unmarried/poor/in an abusive situation/etc, you want your child to have better than you can give them. It’s natural to desire the best in everything for your child.
This line of thinking is often one of the leading forces behind a woman (and man) surrendering their child for adoption. We tell ourselves (and are told by others) that we are not good enough, that the life we can give them isn’t good enough. After relinquishing, people try to comfort us by saying things like, “He has a better life now. You did what was right. He has everything he could ever want or need.” And eventually we try to comfort ourselves with the same words, telling ourselves over and over that we did the “right” thing until we start believing it.
You don’t realize it right away, but those “comforting” words really screw you up psychologically. They sow the seeds of worthlessness deep into your soul, so that when you do have children that you parent, you struggle with the belief that you are not good enough for them. For the 3-4 weeks I parented William, I struggled constantly with feelings that I wasn’t enough. When ever I took him out in public, I had the fear that everyone around me was judging me. I felt like everyone was thinking the same thing, “That girl has no idea what she is doing. She is a horrible mother. She doesn’t even deserve the title of Mother.” Of course I know that none of those things are true. I knew very well what I was doing, and I handled the demands of parenting like a pro. I wasn’t a horrible mother at all. Even though I knew all of this, I still struggled with feelings of worthlessness. For so long I had not been “enough” for my children, how could I possibly be enough now?
Even now I struggle with these feelings. I know for a fact that if I wanted to go pick up William and take him some where by myself, I could. Yet I am terrified that if I do, something will happen that I can not handle on my own. I know this is ludicrous, because I know exactly what I am doing. I have a sh*t ton of experience with children. In addition to parenting William on my own, there’s baby sitting my 9 month old niece, volunteering with a preschool, countless baby sitting jobs, working in the church nursery, working in a day camp for young children, and being the sole caretaker of my foster nephew when he was 1-2 years old. I am completely comfortable in caring for children. Yet when it comes to Robbie and William, my own flesh and blood, I fear that I am not capable enough to care for them.
How screwed up is that? 

Can't Let Go

Ever been surrounded by a ton of people, yet still be completely alone?
That’s how it was for me during my hospital stay with William. Every day we were in the hospital our room was crowded with R’s family members (and his b*tch). I was surrounded by this big group of people that I didn’t want to have anything to do with. I had no privacy, I wasn’t able to get any rest, and I was constantly stressed. Ever try breast feeding/working with a lactation consultant with a big a$$ group of people in the room? Yeah, not fun.
M was able to come visit once, my mom was only able to come visit in the evenings due to her work schedule, her boyfriend (who will be my stepfather eventually) was sick with the flu and therefore couldn’t come visit at all, my brother was busy with his work and family, and my sister didn’t yet know. I had no support system.
I suppose that might be part of the reason I had H and K visit so much. They were the only people who could come on a regular basis who actually supported ME. They didn’t talk shit to me or about me, they didn’t bring unwanted guests, they didn’t over stay their welcome (actually, they didn’t stay as long as I would have liked. They wanted Will and I to have time alone, which I love, but I wasn’t really getting much alone time with him), and they left me with a smile on my face instead of a need for more Tylenol.
I wish I could look back on our time in the hospital with nothing but fond memories, but I can’t. Every time I think about it I get a huge stress headache and I become so incensed with the treatment I received from R and his family that I just want to PUNCH A FREAKING WALL! (Or R, his mother, and his b*tch. Any or all three would suffice, plus I wouldn’t have to fix the dry wall. Hmm…). They completely ruined that time for me; that special time when a mother and child bond and get to know each other. They ruined it, and I don’t think that is something I will ever be able to get over. I don’t think I will ever be able to let it go and forgive them for it. Not anytime soon. 

Thursday, March 17, 2011

You must have been a beautiful baby....

The hospital at which I delivered William had a photographer come around and do the baby's first photos. However, instead of just holding the camera above the baby's head and snapping a few photos (like they did where I delivered Robbie), this hospital actually did a whole little photo shoot. H and I went 50-50 and ordered the CD with all of the photos so that we could upload them online and print as many as we like. The pictures turned out so beautifully, I had to post a few of my favorites! 

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


Back when my mother first found out I was pregnant with William (only a few weeks before he was born), she forbid me from telling my younger sister for fear that she would tell everyone else. I did not agree with this, but I went along with it anyway. I absolutely hated that she did not know. I hate that she missed out on the day he was born, the few weeks that I parented him, and the visits since. It’s been eating at me the entire time.
The other day, I took her with me to see Robbie and his family. It’s about an hour long drive, and since it was just the two of us, I decided to tell her. I told her everything; the surprise pregnancy, the drama with R and his family, that I placed with H & K, and how I had been able to parent him for a little while. She took it pretty well, but she did something that completely surprised me.
She cried.
Through her tears she told me, “I’ve never said anything about this before because I just feel so selfish saying it, but it hurts me too. I just feel so badly, because these are my nephews, and I’m not even a part of their life. I am supposed to be their aunt, and I never see them. And even worse, I feel like it’s not even my place (to be involved).”
Hearing her say this was like a knife to the heart. I know that the adoptions have affected everyone in my family (well, those who know about them). I know that everyone has had to deal with the loss. It’s just that no one has ever admitted it to me until now….
Of course, I felt horrible. I apologized to her for not involving her sooner with William, and that she could see him as often as she liked and that she would be his “Aunt C”, if that’s what she would like to be called. I also apologized for letting so much time go by without her seeing Robbie (it’s been several months). You get so busy and you always think, “Oh I can set something up for my family next month.” And before you know it six months has passed and you still haven’t done it. And most importantly, I told her that it IS her place to be involved in their lives, and from now on I (and my baby mamas) wanted her to be completely involved.
We had a wonderful visit with Robbie and his family, and when we got home that night she and I sat down together and went through every single picture I have of William (hundreds of them!), and I told her everything about him; from his slight heart murmur (and how he should grow out of it in the next six months) to how he has been holding up his head on his own from day 1. She is so excited to meet him and his family! She has been so supportive about all of this, and I am so grateful to her for being there for me when I need her to be. Sure, we might not always get along. Some times we argue, some times we throw punches (literally), but I know she always has my back. So here’s to my awesome little sister- Thank you for always being there and supporting me, and I promise to always include you in the lives of my boys from this day forward. I love you!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Live Like You Were Dying

Back in the fall of 2006, I started feeling tired all of the time. I had headaches, pain in my back and neck, and my nose would randomly bleed. I didn’t think a whole lot about it. I have an electrolyte imbalance, so if I don’t regularly drink Gatorade or Powerade, or take some kind of electrolyte supplement, I get tired very easily. I had mild scoliosis as a child that, with the exception of a slight curvature in my neck, we had pretty much resolved with horseback ridding. So we attributed the headaches and back and neck pain to the curvature in my neck. After discussing things with the doctors, we decided to move forward with physical therapy in attempts to straighten out my spine. They took a few X-rays and did an MRI to determine just how curved my spine was, but they saw something on the MRI that caused them to send me in for a bone scan.  The scan it’s self was pretty cool. They injected a hot pink radioactive dye into my arm and my mother and I went to lunch (it takes a while for it to spread through your body and seep into your bones. An hour, maybe more? I can no longer remember). A week or two after the scan, I had a crazy dream. I was in a room, and there was a doctor directly in front of me. He looked at me and said, “You have bone cancer.” And that was all. I awoke to my mother telling me the doctors had called- they found something on my right scapula (Well what the heck is a scapula? Apparently, it’s your shoulder blade!). 
We went to a doctor at Emory, where we did more X-rays, a CT Scan, etc. After all of this was done, the doctor confirmed it- I had a tumor. I remember him going over the images from the MRI with us, he kept saying, “I’ve never seen anything like this. This is crazy. I’ve never seen anything like this.” Let me tell you, hearing that made me feel GREAT! Haha! We scheduled for another MRI and a biopsy to be done the week after Christmas. If the tumor turned out to be cancerous, they would remove as much of it as possible and start chemo two weeks later- right before my 16th birthday.
The next few weeks I tried to live my life as normally as possible. I tried to ignore the probability of me having bone cancer, but it seemed as though that’s all anyone else ever thought about. Every time I turned around, some one wanted to pray about it or talk about it (the awkward silences every time I entered a room, along with the sympathetic stares, were the worst). Don’t get me wrong, I love that everyone was so supportive, but I was still in denial. I wanted to pretend it wasn’t happening.
Back then there was a Tim McGraw song that had recently come out and was VERY popular. They played it allll the time. “Live Like You Were Dying” was the title, and it talks about a guy who is diagnosed with cancer (or at least we are led to believe it’s cancer with the line "I spent most of the next days, Looking at the x-rays, An' talking 'bout the options an' talkin’ ‘bout sweet time.") and how he decides to do all of the things he’d always wanted to do, as well as live his life better (“I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter, And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying”). It’s a great song, however, it was just a little too personal for me at the time. That song was the absolute last song on earth that I wanted to hear. My mom on the other hand LOVED it, and every time it came on (which was All. The. Time.) she would crank it up and sing to it at the top of her lungs. I suppose to her the song represented hope, as the guy survived to live a nice long life. To me it was just a painful reminder that I was probably dying.
My cousins came to town for Christmas break, and their company helped to lift my spirits. I had a blast hanging out with them, and my health seemed to improve dramatically. I hadn’t had a nose bleed or a headache in a couple of weeks, and I actually had energy! I didn’t think much of it; I just figured my cousins were a good distraction from everything going on.
A few days after Christmas, I went back for my 2nd MRI. This time my aunt and siblings accompanied my mother and me to the doctors for support. After waiting forever for the doctor to look over the images from the MRI, he finally came in the room and sat down in front of me. He was quiet for a moment, and then he said, “We’ve gone over the images several times. We can’t find anything. The tumor is gone.” My aunt just about fell out of her seat! “You mean it’s just gone?!” She exclaimed. “Yes. So far, we can not find anything. It’s a….. a miracle.”  He said, with the last part barely audible. We did another CT scan and more X-rays, just in case, but it was not there. There wasn’t a single tumor to be found in my entire body. I remember running out to the waiting room and hugging my brother and sister, crying out “It’s gone! It’s gone!” with tears of joy and relief streaming down my face.
A few weeks later, I celebrated my sweet 16 and landed my first job at Six Flags, where I met R and, well, you know the rest. I haven’t made the best decisions in the four years since then, but I’m doing better. I haven’t lived life the way I wanted to, and I’m changing that. God gave me a second chance, and so far I haven’t done much with it but mess up. So from now on I’m going to take full advantage of that second chance; I am going to live like I am dying

And I think I'll sing this song while doing it

Friday, March 4, 2011

Omg, shoes!

During my break from work the other day, I went to one of Atlanta’s landmark shoe stores, Walters.

They were having an awesome sale on kid’s shoes, so I got Robbie these

I have a slight obsession with Polo shoes for little kids. One pair of these usually starts at $40. I got both for $35, total! It seems a bit silly because I don’t even spend that much on my own shoes and I know he’ll grow out of them relatively quickly, but I just couldn’t help my self! I mean really, aren’t they just adorable? I can not WAIT to see him wear them! 

Wednesday, March 2, 2011


There have been quite a few blog posts lately that involve first moms saying something along the lines of “I know my birth child was meant for them (the AParents)” or “I know I was placed on this earth to bring them their child.” Every time I read something like this I roll my eyes, shake my head, and say “Seriously? What the $@#&.”  
Here’s how I feel about that.
Do I think my children were “meant” to be raised by their perspective adoptive parents? No, I do not. Not one little bit. Why would I? If God meant for my children to belong to their adoptive parents, then their adoptive mothers would have become pregnant with them, carried them for 9 months (it’s really closer to 10), and then given birth to them (Duh!). Obviously, it didn’t happen that way. God meant for ME to have those children, that’s why I became pregnant with them. God did not place me on this earth to bring some one else a child- I’m not a freaking incubator. It was not God’s plan for me to have premarital sex, get knocked up, and then give some one else my child and suffer life long grief from doing so. Just like it is not God’s plan for couples to experience infertility/sterility. Unfortunately, we live in an imperfect, sin-filled world, so these things happen. Sin is never a good thing; however, God can make something good out of it.
For instance, even though it was not God’s doing that Robbie’s adoptive parents were infertile or I engaged in premarital sex, He still made something good out of it. He brought us together, and we have helped each other out. I have given them a child, and they have given my child a life I could not give him on my own.

 Disagree with me? Read the bible. God does NOT instigate sin.
 Here are just a few examples....

Jeremiah 29:11 
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Romans 8:28
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

So there you have it. God does not plan for bad things to happen to us. Instead, when these things happen, He provides a way to make it better. Adoption is not a part of His plan, no matter what your church might tell you to think. It can be used by Him for good, but adoption is NOT how He intends families to be made. To those of you adoptive parents that disagree with this, meaning you believe “your” child was “meant” for you…. All I have to say to you is this; what in the world gives you such a feeling of entitlement? How in the world can you feel so entitled to some one else’s own flesh and blood? How dare you feel entitled to some one else’s child? Nothing gives you a right to another’s child, nothing.

"I love adoption! Giving my baby away was my ENTIRE purpose in life!"
I mean really guys, REALLY? Get real.  

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Just to clear things up....

It seems as though there has been a bit confusion on where I stand as far as adoption is concerned. Let me just say that I am totally Pro-Adoption. Adoption can be a beautiful, wonderful thing, like it is in my life. Painful, but beautiful. When done right, adoption can be amazing. But that's just it- when done right. So often, adoption is not done right. There are still agencies out there that are coercing men and women into placing their babies for adoption. There are still adoptive parents that promise one thing, and then do the complete opposite. There are still so many unethical practices. There are still so many birth parents out there who are empty and hurting, because they were not given the things they were promised.... These are the things I am against. These are the reasons I believe adoption needs to be reformed. I will keep firm in this belief until every birth parent can have as beautiful of a situation as my own.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Just a quick thought.....

 People recommend that you do not separate a puppy from it's mother for at least six weeks.... This is for the overall physical and emotional health of the mother and the puppy..... So why is it that when it comes to human infant adoption, we try to remove the babe from its mother as he is drawing his first breath? Why is it that we can't extend the same courtesy to a MOTHER and her CHILD that we do to a DOG? 
Just a thought.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Transfer of Motherhood

As I’ve said before, I cherish the few weeks I got to parent William. I am so, SO thankful I had that special time with him. It was so nice to be referred to as his mommy, to actually BE his mommy. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world!
The first time my mom saw William after I signed the papers and sent him home with H and K, she handed him to me after holding him and said, “Time to go see Ashleigh!” Ashleigh. Not mommy. I knew I wasn’t mommy anymore, but to hear my mom refer to me as just Ashleigh when only a few days before I had been “mommy”…. Well, I guess it really made things real for me, and it really sucked. It was like someone turning a knife in my chest. A month later, it still hurts every time she refers to me as “Ashleigh” around William. But for some reason, it only hurts when she says it and not when other people say it (on a side note; H will sometimes call me “Mama Ashleigh” when talking to William. The jury is still out on how I feel about this, but I think that I like it- lol).
William used to follow the sound of my voice. It didn’t matter where I went; he would always turn his head towards me (causing my mom to say quite a few times, “He knows who his mommy is!”). Now, he follows H’s voice. She’ll talk to him, and he turns his head towards her. It makes me sad at times to see just how much he has already bonded with H, as though our time together never happened. But at the same time, I absolutely love seeing H & William together. I love being able to see just how much she loves and cherishes him. It does my heart good to know he is so loved by so many.

HB 2904 pt2

For the last week I have tried to write again about HB 2904; Why I support it, and the people who don't support it. But I just can't do it. Every time I sit down to the computer to type out my feelings, I become so frustrated, and so upset, that I just have to walk away. I seriously just can not understand how anyone can be SO against themselves, and others like them. How can a birth mother NOT support birth mothers, birth mother rights, and protections for birth mothers and the adoptee? I can not, and will not, EVER understand this. 
So because I am too upset to put my feelings into words, I will instead post a comment made by an adoptee on a post over at the First Mother Forum. Please read her (I am assuming this adoptee is a female, please correct me if I am wrong!) entire comment, as she makes some very good points.   

"Speaking of "not reading posts very well," how many times does Jane have to write a post explaining the legislation before people will read it and understand that their questions have already been answered?

If they have actually read her posts, and still have questions, perhaps they could clarify which ones were not cleared up, based off of what Jane said, instead of just saying Jane hasn't answered anything. She has. Good grief, I feel like I could write a master's thesis on this bill already.

--She has said who "Oregon Birth Mothers" are. She has named names. What is the claim that they don't exist based off of? Because they aren't registered non-profit status? Lots of groups aren't registered (e.g. "grassroots") and they very much exist. Some of the mother's stories were published in a magazine article which Jane has linked to at least once. 

--Jane has stated the 8 day period does not interfere with bonding. The APs can take the baby home if that is what the mother wants.

--If time periods are waivable, then there's nothing to stop an unethical lawyer/agency from pressuring a mother to waive them. Do people understand this inability to wave the decision-making period is to prevent coercion to protect the mother and child?

--Jane has stated that both the 8 day period and 30 day period are not "anti-adoption" barriers to adoption, but recommendations by the Evan B. Donaldson adoption institute. How in the world is following the recommendations by one of the leading adoption policy groups in the U.S. "anti-adoption?" 

--An issue with many institutions and industries is when one entity knows more than the individual making a life-long decision. I experienced this first-hand when buying my home and signing my mortgage (the unfair advantage is precisely why there's a mortgage crisis!). In adoption, agencies and lawyers hold the same advantage. Is it really that horrible that the law require them to give necessary information to a mother making a decision for her child?

--Just because one mother had an ethical lawyer/agency does not mean another lawyer will for another mother. What is wrong making one ethical standard so that ALL mothers can receive that same ethical treatment?

Why doesn't anyone who opposes the bill have answers to these questions?

Is anyone who opposes this legislation reading anything anyone writes to answer their questions? I would think that those who would want others to be as madly in love with adoption as they are, would support legislation that would enable women to make sound decisions and enable APs to know that the original mother made a sound decision so that there's a greater chance that they WOULD love adoption.

So many of we adoptees have mothers who were not given adequate time to make decisions because nothing was stopping the agencies from asking them to sign consents when our mothers were not ready and had not had adequate information (or any information at all). When I think of my mother pining all those years, wondering if she did the right thing, I don't see extended decision-making time as her automatically not choosing adoption. It's not "anti-adoption." I see it as providing her with time, when the agency couldn't have stomped into her hospital room, to really think about it and have had more peace with her decision. She deserved that peace of mind. I think it's sad that there was no law in my birth state that would have prevented the agency from treating her that way.

I really wish people would take just 5 minutes of their time to read Jane's posts and respond directly to what she's said. Jane is obviously more than qualified to speak on and interpret law, especially in Oregon. Instead of just repeating themselves and shouting the same misinformation about the law, why don't they comment directly on her explanations and tell her how she's wrong? Instead, they've come here to be rude and sarcastic to her, making remarks about her personally instead of the legislation, when she's done nothing but follow her convictions."

*** I have permission to post this comment. Any emphasis has been added by me (with the exception of the words in all capital letters). For more information on this bill you can go here and here. You can also read these blogs. 

Sunday, February 20, 2011

A big thank you...

I’m not quite sure what I would have done without the online adoption community. It has connected me with so many amazing and supportive people. For starters, I would have never met H if it weren’t for our online adoption group. That means I would have been stuck with a family I knew nothing about- A family who probably wouldn’t allow a relationship between my two birthsons, a family who could possibly close (or severely limit) the adoption one day. Instead, I have a family that supports and encourages a relationship between William and his brother Robbie (as well as with R’s other children) and has me over once a week (or more) to see my (birth)son.
 The internet also helped me to connect with people who have already gone through what I am now going through. Like for instance, Kelsey Stewart. I was able to talk with her about what it was like to choose adoption not once, but twice. She gave me some great advice, as well as writing this blog post about her experience. Then there was Joniece, who was able to share her experience of going to court with her (birth)son’s birth father. I am so thankful to her for her words of encouragement and advice! And then there are people like Meg and LeMira. Those two ladies are awesome! They are always there, supporting me, encouraging me, and loving me.

So to all of you awesome people, thank you!!!!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

It's over!

So it’s done. V-Day has come and gone, with out a word from R about changing his mind (again). 12 AM last night, the adoption was finally official on our end. H was finally able to make the big announcement on facebook, and I expect them to send out announcement cards soon. Today after work I went over to their house for a sort of celebratory dinner. H cooked lasagna, and I made a peach cobbler (Yes, made. Peeled and sliced the peaches myself!). We had a lovely time, as always J

Once I got home I checked facebook just to see what all she had said in her post, and which pictures she had decided to upload. H had sent me a text earlier in the day letting me know she was going to post a few things and include “Liam” as his nickname, but explained that I did not have to call him that and to please call him William if I wanted. We had a talk several weeks ago about what his nickname would be; I liked “Will” and she liked “Liam”, and for different reasons, we each did not like the others choice (Mainly because of people we don’t like that go by those names). In theory, I didn’t really have a problem with her family calling him “Liam”…. But once I heard it, and once I saw everyone (EVERYONE) calling him “Liam” on Facebook… Well, I have decided I absolutely HATE that damn nickname. HATE. Loathe. Abhor- WHATEVER- I do NOT like it. First, I don’t think it’s a very attractive name. Second, I don’t think about my beautiful little William when I hear it. Instead, I think about someone I despise and I think about what they did to make me despise them. And then I get angry and upset (yeah I know, forgiveness, right? But these wounds are still too fresh for me to “forgive and forget” just yet).
Maybe it will grow on me, like Robbie’s new name did. Maybe one day I’ll be able to call him Liam without wanting to vomit. Or maybe not. We’ll see.

I guess I’ll just be happy that this adoption mess with R is finally over. I can finally relax!

Monday, February 14, 2011


This last week, a very awesome friend of mine adopted a baby boy. Well, they are in the process of adopting him.
I am overjoyed that things seem to be working out for them, that they are getting a chance to complete their family. I know they will be great parents to this little boy and that his birth parents will always be kept in very close contact and treated with the utmost respect. However, I feel so sad at the same time. I can’t help but think of the first parents and what they must be going through right now. My heart aches for them, and I wish that they didn’t have to suffer through this tremendous loss. I wish I could be there for them, wrap my arms around them, and let them know that eventually, one day, it will be OK again. I want to tell them not to worry, because their son’s adoptive parents are truly amazing and will always keep every promise they make, and then some. I want to assure them they will always be a huge part of their birth son’s life, because I know my friend wouldn’t have it any other way.
So to the first parents of this beautiful little boy- you may not ever read this, but I am sending hugs, thoughts, and prayers your way.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

HB 2904

Let me just say that for the most part, I am pro adoption- IF adoption is necessary, and IF it is an open adoption. Not every adoption is necessary. There are many first mothers who place because they are led to believe that they are not enough, or that they didn’t have what it takes, only to realize too late that they really could have made it work. I believe that while adoption can be a wonderful thing, like it is in my life, it can also be a horrible thing. Some times adoption can be no more than the legal kidnapping of a child. Adoption is something that needs a lot of change. Current laws need to be changed; new laws need to be put in place.

It has come to my attention that a group of first mothers is trying to have a bill passed that would change how adoption is done in Oregon. It is called HB 2904, and the group of first mothers that blog under the name of “birthmothers for adoption” are against it. At first glance I didn’t see why they, or any birthparent, would have a problem with it. I mean of course a lot of adoptive parents and adoption agencies would hate it, but it seemed to me that this bill was only trying to protect birth parents from coercion and child kidnappers (people who promise an open adoption only to disappear after the papers are signed).

After reading the bill over several times, as well as sharing it with several different parties and discussing what they do and don’t like about the bill, my opinion hasn’t changed much.

Over all, I am A-OK with this bill being passed. I think it is something that NEEDS to be done. Adoption isn’t rainbows and butterflies, and while I may have been blessed with two amazingly open adoptions, I am realistic enough to acknowledge and understand that not every adoption turns out as nicely as my own have. I believe that passing this bill will empower expectant parents and first parents to really be able to make the absolute best decision for them and their child, whether that is parenting or adoption. Because this bill provides so much time for the first mother/father to consider/change their decision, I believe the majority of first parents who do continue with the adoption will be largely at peace with their decision. So many first parents are NOT at peace with their decision, whether it is because they felt they were rushed, forced, coerced, lied to, etc. They go on to live a life full of bitter regret, always wondering what could have been done differently.

However, there are a few things in the bill that need to be changed.

  1. The new law would require 8 days to pass before the expectant parents can place the child with the adoptive parents. These 8 days can not be waived. During those 8 days, they can either parent the child, or place the child in a state run foster home. Now, I fully support the 8 day wait, BUT I do believe you should either be given the option to shorten the wait to 3 days OR sign something allowing the adoptive parents to take the baby home with them during those 8 days. Not every adoption is the same. Some times the reason a woman places has nothing to do with a “crisis” pregnancy. Some times the pregnancy is a product of rape and/or incest. It would be down right cruel to force a woman to parent her child for 8 days in a situation like that.
Yes, there is the option of foster care, but really, would you trust YOUR child to the state? My parents were foster parents for a few years, and I am very familiar with how well social workers can (NOT) do their jobs. Once a child is in the care of the state, everything goes down hill. It all becomes one giant, sticky mess, and you run the risk of the child remaining in foster care until they are an adult. Foster care is something I would not want to mess with.

  1. Well, I just re-read all the changes and honestly, I can’t think of anything else I disagree with.

The bill gives the first parents 30 days to change their mind- they can not waive this right by signing a Certificate of Irrevocability. I know some of you may be screaming, “30 DAYS?! THAT’S A LIFETIME!” Well, maybe it is a long time. I know in my current situation, 30 days DOES feel like a life time. It would mean R had even more time to flip flop with his decision, or continue with his antics. However, I know when I placed Robbie I would have given anything to have that 30 days. I mean think about it. Would you decide what kind of car or which house you are going to buy in less than a week? Probably not. You are more than likely going to do some research, some budgeting, and some serious thinking before making such a big decision. So why is it so different when we are deciding the fate of our CHILD? Why must we make a life time decision in just a few days? Why does that even seem normal?! That’s not normal!

The bill also says this “For up to one year, any party to an adoption may file an action contesting the validity of a consent to an adoption and whether the counseling and attorney participation and requirements were met, as well as challenging an adoption if they can prove fraud or duress. For this provision, in an agency adoption the birth parent has now become a party.”
This doesn’t bother me. Quite often, an expectant parent is promised an open adoption, only to have the adoption closed once the Aparents have the baby. I believe that giving the first parents the right to challenge the adoption for up to a year could possibly prevent this type of fraud. Not completely, but partially. I believe it would force potential adoptive parents to A. Be honest with what they REALLY want (open, closed, semi-open) and B. Keep their promises.

HB 2904 would also require the couples home study to be seen by the expectant parents. To that I say, GOOD! This couple is asking to take my child, why shouldn't I know everything about them? This isn't a puppy I am trying to get rid of, this is my CHILD! Reading the couples home study would provide you with a very clear picture on how your child would be raised and what kind of life style they will have. I did not see the home study for Robbie's adoptive parents, but I made sure to ask (and receive) the home study for William's adoptive parents. I know their yearly income, I know how each of them were raised, I know how they plan to raise William, etc. If I can give you my child, you can give me personal information. It's not like we're asking for your social security number, we just want to know WHO exactly will be raising our children, and how. 

So that’s my take on it. I don’t believe it should be passed like it is, but I do believe it should be passed after a little bit of tweaking.

Feel free to share your opinions on HB 2904! 

****EDIT**** Amanda has posted her interview HERE. PLEASE go read it! It resolved all of my questions about/issues with the bill. I can now say that I completely support the bill, and I truly hope it is passed, and soon! 

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

This is what open adoption really is

         Can I just say that I love OPEN adoption?

Yesterday I got together with M, H, and *our* precious boys. This is Robbie’s second time meeting William, his little brother. That’s right, his BROTHER.
You all know how M and S had decided to not tell the boys the exact meaning of being adopted (basically that they grew in some one else’s tummy) until they were older? Well, they FINALLY had “the talk” with J. William will now be referred to as Robbie’s brother, though I’m sure all four of the boys will grow to be like brothers. M even had the idea to photograph the four of them together and send it out as their Christmas card this year. How completely awesome is that!?!
I am so excited to watch the relationship between our families grow. It truly is a beautiful thing :)

Saturday, February 5, 2011

My Story: Part 2

Well, how do I begin? I’ve always been completely honest on this blog of mine, but I must admit that over the last few months, I’ve been keeping something from you all. And not just my online readers and friends, but almost everybody I know. I suppose I should start from the beginning (be prepared, this is more of a book than a blog post).

The relationship between Robbie’s birth father and I has always been like a roller coaster ride. There have been too many ups and downs to count. I honestly believe if I had never gotten pregnant that first time, our relationship would have been over and done in less than a year. However, having sex with someone and conceiving a child together, whether that child lives or dies, creates one hell of a bond between you. No matter what happened, no matter how many times we broke up, we some how always ended up back together. Our on again, off again, relationship stretched out for a little over three years.
Because of this bond, I have given R many “second” (more like 222nd) chances. I cared about him, so I let him get away with things I would have killed other guys for doing. It wasn’t healthy, and I am glad I was finally able to put an end to things.
Robbie was conceived during one of our many short lived “on again” moments. For most of my pregnancy, we weren’t together. In fact, R actually dated some one else for the majority of my pregnancy. After Robbie was born, we got back together for a few months. Then of course, we broke up, only to get back together again before the end of the year. But by February, things had ended again. Unfortunately, there were a few times I let him get to me, and we ended up hooking up a time or two in the month  before Robbie’s first birthday. It was then that I finally realized I wanted better for myself, that I didn’t want to keep making the same bad choices that led to the same situations. I completely ended things with R, even going as far as blocking him from Twitter, deleting him as a friend on Facebook, and for a while I blocked his number from my phone. For the first time in three years, I made a REAL effort to move on.
Things were going pretty well for me. I was doing great at work, I started going to church more regularly, I had more time for friends and family, and I was finally rebuilding the trust I had lost with my mother.
Sometime last fall, I set up an appointment to have a physical at a low cost clinic. I don’t have health insurance, and I haven’t for most of my life, so needless to say this physical was long over due. They did all the usual things, including a pregnancy test. The doctor told me I tested positive for being pregnant. I laughed at him, and told him it wasn’t possible. I hadn’t been sexually active in MONTHS! And I had absolutely no pregnancy symptoms. “Trust me,” I said, “If I was pregnant, I would know. I’ve been pregnant before.” So he had me agree to do a blood test (they didn’t have an ultrasound machine), which after a few days also came back as positive. I know enough about this stuff to know that if a blood test says you are pregnant, you are pregnant. I couldn’t believe it.
After looking back over my calendar and figuring out when I possibly could have conceived, we calculated that I was over six months pregnant. I was due the first week of January. I was shocked. I mean when I say I had no symptoms, I mean that I had NO symptoms. I didn’t really have any weight gain, and the only time I ever vomited in the entire 6+ months was when I tried a White Russian with a friend (if you don’t know, a White Russian is a horrible drink consisting of Vodka, Milk, and Kahlua. I do not recommend it). It made me horribly sick all night and I felt queasy for about 36 hrs afterwards (Now that I am writing this, I remember saying to my friend (in between vomiting) something along the lines of, “Gosh, I haven’t been this sick since I was pregnant.” Ha. I should have knocked on wood!).
After finding out, I immediately went and applied for pregnancy Medicaid, and started searching for good doctors who accepted Medicaid and delivered at a good hospital. Lucky for me, I found a great doctor who was able to see me pretty quickly, and she was affiliated with one of the best hospitals in Atlanta. I had my first doctors appointment and ultrasound when I was a little over 7 months along (it took a few weeks for Medicaid to come through). Amazingly, he (yes, another boy!) was completely healthy, and was actually half a pound bigger than he should have been! It was a huge relief to know he was healthy even though I hadn’t had any prenatal care. God was definitely looking out for us.
Along with applying for Medicaid and finding a doctor, I also had to figure out what I was going to do. Parenting wasn’t an option. My situation hadn’t changed much since I was pregnant with Robbie. Sure I had a job, but with it only being part time, I really didn’t make much money. Not enough to support myself, and definitely not enough to support myself AND a baby. This left adoption as the only option.

My journey through adoption has connected me with quite a few awesome people. One of those people is my dear friend, “H”. H and I met in the fall of 2009 in an online adoption support group. We instantly clicked after she responded to one of my posts, and began messaging each other frequently. It wasn’t long before we found out we lived in the same area, and made plans to meet for coffee. We would meet for coffee at least one morning a month and talk for hours until one of us had to either work or pick up a child from school. With me being a birth mom and her being an adoptive mom, we had the best conversations! It was wonderful being able to learn from each other, share our experiences, and gain advice from the other. We quickly became close friends.
When I found out I was pregnant, I already knew M and S would most likely not adopt this baby. While M is a stay at home mom, S works a lot. So quite often it is just M at home with the two boys. Adding a new born to the mix would have been insane. As I thought, the answer was no (even though it just about killed M to know that Robbie would have a full blooded brother that wouldn’t be with me or them!).
So the next logical step was to ask H (and her husband, K). H and K aren’t an interracial couple, so I wasn’t sure how they would feel about adopting a biracial child, but I asked anyway. The answer was yes! And so we moved forward with an “adoption plan”.
 This situation was an answer to my prayers. I already knew them, they were looking to adopt again, and I knew first hand that they really did have an open adoption with their son’s family and wanted another very open adoption. It was nice because I already had an established relationship with them, and therefore already had a certain level of trust with them. There was no anxiety over them closing the adoption or not keep their promises (And there was no pressure. I knew that if I changed my mind and decided to parent, they would support me 100%).
It was completely different than the first adoption. I did things with them I wish I had been able to do with M and S. For instance, I brought H along with me to a couple of doctor’s appointments, the four of us got together for a 3D ultrasound, H came with me to my hospital tour, and I invited them to visit us 3 out of the 4 days we were in the hospital. Oh, guess what? R and I got to pick his name! I picked his first name (William), and R picked his middle name. As far as adoption goes, it was the perfect situation.

                                  William 12/29/10  7lbs, 10 oz 19.5 inches long

 Unfortunately, everything started to go down hill once William got here.

First- R’s girlfriend (who, by the way, is pregnant! Shocker! I’ll call her #3, as she will be his 3rd baby mama) showed up to the hospital not once, but TWICE, and once she was there she stayed for several HOURS. And to make it even worse, R’s mother actually gave her a ride both times! She went completely out of her way to pick her up from the other side of town and bring her to see MY son! Apparently in their family, it’s completely normal to bring your sons pregnant girlfriend to the hospital room of his ex girlfriend who just had his baby and is recovering from major surgery and then stay for several hours (ha, can you tell I’m still pretty pissed off?).  After the second day of #3 showing up, I had a “talk” with R. She didn’t show up again after that.
Second- R’s mother, Sandra, asked me if she could “have” the baby, since I was “giving him away”. She continued to ask this the entire time I was in the hospital, and tried to bribe me with things like letting me keep him on the weekends and still allowing me to be called mommy. I appreciate her “offer”, really I do, but the only way she is raising my child is over my dead body (I won’t go into specific reasons as to why I would not accept her offer, but trust me when I say I have very good reasons).
Third- When Robbie was born, R was great! He was so helpful the entire time we were in the hospital. I didn’t have to ask him to do anything because he was already doing it. This time was entirely different. The first night (when I still couldn’t get out of bed because my legs were numb from anesthesia) he didn’t do anything but sleep. I couldn’t walk, but some how I managed to do every feeding and every diaper change. When I tried to wake him up to help me (I even threw a few things at him), all he did was roll over. He once threatened to leave William and me alone at the hospital during a fight about #3 showing up. He even went so far as to pack his bag and leave for a short time before showing back up.

We had planned to sign the Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) papers after being discharged from the hospital. Last time we signed at the hospital and Robbie and I left separately. Being wheeled out of the hospital with a swollen stomach and empty arms SUCKED, and there was no way I was doing that again. Well it turns out I didn’t have to worry about that. The day we were discharged, Rob decided he wasn’t ready to sign the papers. There was no choice but to take little William home with me. Thankfully, M lent me Robbie’s infant car seat, a pack and play, bottles, clothes, etc. I don’t know what I would have done without her help.

I called H the day we were to be discharged from the hospital and informed her that R was having second thoughts. She and K had already accepted that the adoption wasn’t going to happen. We both cried on the phone together as she told me something along the lines of (I’m paraphrasing here) “It might not be what you planned for, and it may not have happened the way you envisioned, but I have no doubt in my heart you will be an amazing mommy to William. He is so lucky to have you for a mother. K and I completely support you parenting.” She assured me that while the situation sucked a little, this didn’t change our friendship, and she hoped to still be a part of mine and William’s life. She even lent me a few things like clothes and bibs for William to use.

That first night home from the hospital was the hardest. I was so physically and emotionally exhausted from the stress of dealing with Robert’s family on top of major surgery and taking care of a new baby, I actually slept through two of William’s feedings (I am an extremely light sleeper, so this is highly unusual, basically unheard of). I don’t know what would have happened if my mom and her boyfriend hadn’t been around to take care of him those two times.
I had no idea what was going to happen for me and little William. R was refusing to sign the papers, and I had NO plan B. I had no way to raise or care for William, and neither did R. Then there was R’s controlling, selfish, and manipulative behavior (e.g. “If you don’t do ____, then I’m not going to sign the papers”)... The stress on top of the pure exhaustion left me in tears many times. I decided this was not what I wanted my son live with. After talking with my adoption coordinator, I decided I still wanted to try for adoption. I called and talked to H about it, and we agreed that as long as everyone was on board, they were still interested in adopting William.
      After a little over two weeks of R’s constant back and forth, he finally agreed to sign. January 15th, the day before my birthday, we met at the agency and signed the TPR papers. Again, it wasn’t anything like the first time. I didn’t cry; I didn’t feel any overwhelming sadness. We signed the papers, and then went back to my house where we ate tacos and watched the Atlanta VS. Greenbay football game with H and K. After watching Greenbay unfortunately destroy Atlanta, I packed up William’s things, kissed him goodbye, and sent him home with his new family.
     It wasn’t goodbye for long though! The very next day the four of us (plus William!) went to dinner for my birthday, and a few days after that they had us over and I got to give William his first bath! So far, I’ve seen William at least once a week (sometimes more!). Things were going very well until that next week.
            He liked the water, but not so much the whole cleaning process lol
                                                                         So cute!

In Georgia, you have 10 days to change your mind after surrendering your rights. On the very last day (the 25th), just hours before the deadline, R revoked his surrenders. He had no real good reason, and he had no plan for what he would do next. After dealing with a few more of his childish antics, I decided to move forward with the adoption with or without him. If he didn’t want to re-sign the papers, I would take him to court and terminate his parental rights. I shared my desire to do so with H and K, who (much to my relief) said that as long as I was 100% sure, they would support me. I contacted the agency attorney and made plans to have R served with a notice of my intentions.
 The past weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. That being said, the few weeks I parented William will forever be treasured in my heart. I loved everything about it; the way he felt in my arms when I held him, learning all of his facial expressions and sounds, having him scream in my hear non-stop for over an hour and still being able to laugh and tell him how absolutely precious he is, and most of all- realizing that I COULD do it. Coming to the realization that I could handle parenting, and handle it well, was amazing.
  In the two weeks since R revoked his surrenders, we have set things in motion for him to be served. I suppose the knowledge of this has scared him a little, because yesterday afternoon he resigned the TPR papers with the attorney. He has until midnight on Valentines Day to change his mind (again). If he does revoke his surrenders a second time, he will have 30 days (starting the day he is served, which will be soon, very soon.) to obtain a lawyer and take us to court. If those 30 days pass and he does nothing, his rights will automatically be terminated. If he takes us to court, I have no doubt that we will win (due to his horrible job history, lack of income, lack of housing, lack of transportation, the fact that he has other kids by other women that he can not care for, etc.).
I am just hoping it doesn’t come to that…

So now we hold our breath until V-Day. I’ll keep you posted….


Related Posts with Thumbnails